lately i've been very thankful to be alive and to be in my own shoes. I trust myself more than previously
I still struggle with my emotions and behaviour though... Yesterday a friend asked me for a favor, and first i said yes, then no, then yes again. I felt shame and guilt. He is the type of person who doesnt take "no" for an answer and i feel pressured. I dont know the lesson here other than not say yes or no to quickly, and instead say "let me think about it for a while, and we can talk again". that way i let the thing sink in and i can make a better decision...
sorry for my ramble....
thanks for having this forum. happy to be game-free yet another day <3
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Today i've done some thins that i've been postponing. I made a plan tp have better overview of my economy, but I always have resistance towards writing balance & income sheet, aswell as budgeting for the future month
I think this resistence is a remnant from my gaming days, i always put my head in the sand and played compulsively whenever i was supposed to deal with finacial issues. It was a huge trigger for me back then
Nowadays my solution, just for today, is not in games, my solution is meetings, service and working the steps.
Thanks for letting me share
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I think I can celebrate today. I received a positive evaluation at work, it looks like efforts are starting to get noticed and appreciated. The change I feel in my head is being seen in the outside world as well.
Also, with one colleague with whom I have / had bad / cold / no interaction, the last weeks seem to be much better. Grateful for that. Maybe one day we can have a drink and laugh again like we used to do. Or maybe not. Its more normal, thats already a blessing.
Now that I am less obsessed with these "bad" colleagues, my thoughts go more and more towards another actually much more important topic. A friend is pretty bad now, due to cancer. She's my ex-lover. I want to be there for her, but I can't. Its complicated.
I dont believe in God, but now do sometimes pray. I would not mind if you would pray for her too. She has been good to me, we have been good for eachother. I want her to be well and not suffer.
I guess right now the best thing I can do is live well. I know she would want that for me. She would want me to enjoy and not be sad, so that is what I will do. And love her from a distance.
Hope you are all doing ok. Thanks for being here. Hugs to you all.
Im feeling pretty good today. Looking for a place to stay and a car for the new job starting in 1 month. I can feel myself getting a bit compulsive about this. I need to "sleep on things" before i act, otherwise i can easily make decisions that i later regret.
I pray to not panic over things, and instead calmly plan and execute.
Generally have a positive view of the future. Met my therapist yesterday, and he was really happy to see positive changed in my behaviour. Working the steps, doing kbt, and getting medicine for my specific diagnosis seems to have payed out.
thanks for letting me share
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Happy to not be playing games, thanks to this forum and meetings.
Just wanted to check-in and write something, dont know what to write really
im getting compulsive about making money, i think a lot about that, trying to figure out ways to get more, work more, save more, waste less.
Im not sure if its completely bad though, i've saved up more in the past 6 months than ever before in my life, i budget more and keep track of my finances. When i was gaming i was often poor, even broke, because of not handling my finances properly.
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Doing good. Had a nice weekend. Library and studying a lot on saturday, a movie with a friend at night, hiking on Sunday. Have a little bit sunburn.
Same irritations as always are still very much present in work environment, but it all is much more managable. When I am tired I noticed that it is much more easy to get back those old familiar feelings of anger, feeling ****ed or sad. Best to then just take a nap or do something social. Trying hard to not let it make me feel blue any more than needed. But it remains difficult.
I think today I have 145 days without gaming. It's so much better now than with gaming!
Im doing ok, getting ready to move to a new town in about a week. Gonna finish some things this weekend that i have been postponing, got all evening and night with a friend to work together. i like working next to someone, better than working alone
Looking forward to tonight and tomorrow.
Listened to an audiobook today about integrity, hit me hard. I have some areas in my life where i need to apply integrity, say no, or change my behaviour so that it is congruent with my values. Right now my moral compass are sometimes completely messed up...
No plans to game!
Thanks for letting me share.
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Today my plan is to work a little bit and have a little bit of fun as well. I need to polish up my Curriculum Vitae, and prepare paperwork for some stuff I need to do this week. But I will also go outside and go into the water, to surf a bit. Tonight going to eat out with some friends too.
Thinking about it... my social life has improved a lot since I started leaving gaming behind. It took time, and still I think it could use improvement, but now I tend to say "yes" to almost anything.
Im doing ok, gonna mostly work today together with a friend. We are doing different things but sit together, eat together etc.
Yesterday i read a cool book called "Six Pillars of Self-esteem". I realized that some of the ways in which i live are harmful for my self-esteem. I've made up some plans on how to change them
Thanks for meetings and the community, without you i would have no chanse.
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I feel calm and peaceful today. Gonna work full-day today with teaching.
I've been postponing to continue my work with step 4. Im afraid of what emotions might come up if i keep working on that. Maybe i should ask my sponsor about this hahaha.
Ok that's it for now
Thanks for letting me share
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Lets get through this together Rhumor! Come to a mumble meeting <3
Today is one of those days were im thinking of going back to gaming. One of the guys in my old main game is making some serious money from streaming because of an upstream in popularity in recent years. That means that players who have been in this game for years have a big advantage during the increase in popularity, because of the lack of good players. Im telling myself the classic things:
"Only one hour per day"
"It's strictly for the money, i dont even want to game, remember you have to adapt to the current age, work smarter not harder, its stupid to just work in traditional ways, the internet is full of amazing opportunities, besides there are a lot of spillover effects like better voice (because of streaming)" <--- this whole quoted reason is a difficult one.
Well im still hanging in there. So far im not even missing gaming, but i have strong compulsive behaviour regarding money
Thankfully i have meetings, which i will attend today.
Thanks for letting me share
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
WOOF. Today was a long, rough day, but it was another day. I can't express how grateful I am for the community here at OLGA. You guys are a light in dark places.
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Taking Steps toward recovery since November 2, 2012. The difficulty of the path makes it worth the walking.
I got a long day of work ahead of me, but i dont mind. I think it's rather exciting. I just do the best I can. i need to practice forgiving myself if i don't produce the exact results im planning for today. Sometimes i get stressed when there really is no reason for it. Example, im late, well there's not much to do about that now, no reason to throw my clothes in the air, it wont make it go faster. Also, being late is not the end of the world. I get very stressed when im late for some reason. I wonder what Freud would have said about that :P
Very thankful to not be playing games. Games for me was a complete misery of anxiety and pain. So happy to be free from that one day at a time. The thoughts about gaming again from yesterday are thankfully 98% gone. <3
Thanks for letting me share
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Today i have a pretty rough deadline on a project. But i feel ok anyway. I'm gonna be at my friends house and we are gonna eat together, drink energy drinks and potatochips ;) If youre gonna work, why not make it comfortable? ;)
Well thanks for this community. None of this would be possible if i was gaming
Thanks for letting me share
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Yesterday all day out of the house, in the mountains, skiing. Afterwards hanging out, eating with some friends, all quite good, nice.
I slept many hours tonight, probably because of the long day yesterday was. Now waking up slowly, maybe will need another coffee to really get going.
I have some work to do today, delaying starting with it, doing chores in the house and reading / writing on internet, and on this website too :-) . Will procastinate a bit more, and then really start putting in some hours. Have a good day everybody.
Today has been great so far IMO. Doing some physical work in a warehouse, hanging out with colleges and friends. Now im sitting at my friends place and we are gonna do some writing-work. We work on separate things but still sitting together is something i really enjoy
Thankful to not be gaming
Thanks for letting me share.
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Yesterday was great. Managed to meet my deadlines and also had fun at the same time, crazy right? Working with a friends seems to be the key for me. Doesn't necessarily have to work on similar projects. I dont enjoy being alone.
Today i have a lot of things on my schedule which is fun. Im doing things I enjoy, most of the time.
Thanks for helping me not play games, thanks for letting me share
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
and i feel a little anxious. Will i be able to do everything i planned? I need to realize that the best thing for me is to take it easy and take one thing at a time. It's ok if i have to skip something that i have planned. I can just do it tmr instead. It's really no big deal. Still i feel this stress. Gonna try to work on some KBT tonight.
Some people view stopping an addiction as a "one time decision". "I decided to quit" and that's it they think. In my experience actually it takes a million decisions. Everyday you make a new decision, the decision to not begin using whatever ur addicted to, just for today. This is the reason why i need meetings e.t.c.
Thanks for helping me to not start to game again.
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I agree with what you say. Every day I am reading a bit of "just for today", and when I feel stuff, I try to think about what I am feeling and why, to understand myself more.
For me recovery has been about getting conscious or aware of myself, the things that hurt and the things that are important to me. And I really had to get rid of gaming to be able to get to the me behind it.
Hope you all are doing well, there is always a different way. Thanks for being here and letting me share.
I feel ok, eventfull today aswell. I feel slightly stressed. A friend of mine have a family member who is about to, or already did, pass away. He was in hospital with him yesterday night. He called twice, but i could not pick up. Then a called him back, no answer. Then he killed me again when i was sleeping. I feel ashamed of not being there properly for my friend.
Im scared of working with step 4. Last time i did i broke down and was very sad. Occasionally thoughts from my past flash up and makes me sad/stressed/angry. It happens quite spontaniously. Im afraid it will come up even more if i work on step 4. Maybe i need to work next to someone who's also doing stepwork, just to feel safer.
However, im gonna try to get to a meeting today. Maybe two meetings.
Thanks for letting me share
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Sorry to hear that about your friend. He will understand. Just give him another call. He will appreciate it.
Or a simple txt message. If you dont know what to say, you can always write "I dont know what to say". They will appreciate it for sure.
I am doing fine. Yesterday went to a concert, great fun. Today at work more tired, logically, but also more irritable.
Not much more to report for now. Looking forward to taking a small nap, and then will see what to do this weekend. One of the first weekends in a long time that I do not have specific plans. I actually think this is a bad thing.. :-). So will think of something to do.
i seem to have some stress/tension in my body these past days. Meetings help a lot to deal with that, aswell as deep breathing.
We had newcomers at the NA meetings today. I almost started crying cuz i was reminded of the complete misery in my life when i was gaming. Thanks a lot for helping me stay clean
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I feel very much frustrated and deep anger towards towards my two co-workers. I think I need to find a sponsor and start working steps, make an inventory of relationships, etc. So much resentment. It is difficult to get to "acceptance". It sounds so great, but I am not getting there.
My ex-lover is in the final phase, due to cancer. For a couple of weeks now we know that no treatment is possible anymore and her body is fading away.
I guess that this situation is fueling my anger right now. Something I can be angry at in a helpless situation.
Glad to not be gaming though. What good would that do?
Hope you are doing fine, thanks for letting me share.
It amazes me how a site like this is not more popular. Gaming addiction is a huge problem in our society, still the help is almost non-existent.
On reddit there is a subredit called "stopgaming". This subredit have links to both olganon and cgaa. Still only a fraction of a percent seems to end up on one of these forums, and even less on an online meeting.
I hope all of this is part of a process were communities like these keeps growing, and maybe one day have our own face to face meetings in every major city. Because the people out there need this
Nice to not be focused on myself for a change ;P
Thanks for letting me share
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
A week with a lot of feeling. Not sure what to say about it. I had found more calm the last months, but it was not here anymore the last two weeks.
A day after I made my last post, I found out that we will have a new team leader, since our current team leader will go away for a year. My colleague that I have so much trouble with, she will become the intermediate team leader.
I was upset when I found out, and I left the office taking the rest of the day off. The next day the announcement was made in a team meeting that we would have her as team leader. I just sat there.. not angry or someting, but I was boiling and trembling.
Before entering into the meeting the "bad colleague" attempted to make some small talk with me, and after the meeting, in which to she must have seen that I was upset, she came up to me in front of the team and offered out of the blue to get me coffee.
For 2 and a half years now we have had no contact. I asked her many times what is going on. I asked many times "how was your weekend", and I have received cold answers pushing me away. I asked many times "when you go for a coffee, I would like to go with you too" and I have never been asked or invited in 2 and a half year. Never has she offered to get me a coffee. We have had tension rise up so much that half a year ago we had a verbal fight, in which I said that I did not believe any more when she said "everything is normal, nothing is going on". When she saw that I did not believe it anymore, she shouted "we are not friends!". Even then I kept the door open for talking, for mending the relationship, and I was still pushed away and my offers and reaching out put down.
And now on the day of her "victory" and of the day of my "defeat", this public act of offering to get coffee, so out of caracter for 2 and a half years.
How easy is it to just say "hey, lets go drink a coffee, lets talk". "I know things have been bad, but I dont want to go on like that anymore". I do not believe anymore that this offering of getting the coffee was an effort to mend relationships.
Years have passed in which this could have been done. Years in which I kept reaching out, believing in friendship and being friends. I was kept hanging in doubt, believing still in being friends, and I kept getting hurt. I am an open book, when I am hurt, I stop talking, am less joyfull, less talkative, turn inward. They knew perfectly fine when I was feeling hurt. She knew perfectly fine when I was feeling hurt.
A year ago at a party she talked with me. She said that she was seeing that I was hurt at work. I said to her, yes I am, and I could name 3 or 4 incidents during that same week in which I was shut out and my reaching out to her was being met with a cold wall, pushed away. She acknowledged that this was happening, and said that she was sorry that I was feeling that way. Afterwards I hoped that things could change, like I had hoped every time when there was a glimmer of more normal contact. But the saying sorry ment just that: I am sorry you feel that way, but I am not going to act any differently with you at work. Half a year later this led to a violent verbal confrontation, in which I said that I did not believe anymore when they said "everything is normal", and she said "we are not friends".
Somehow these last 2 days I am more calm. I am thinking constantly about it, but I am definitely more calm. It is as if I some things are differently now. Since half a year I know now that from her side, we were already not friends anymore for 2 and a half years. But now I also believe that she is getting a sense of joy or control or what ever it is, from seeing hurt in someone that hurt her in the past.
It all makes sense, all the incidents that have happened during the last years, the behaviour, the looks. I could not see it before, because I am nothing like that, nothing like that at all. And it makes me feel sad and sorry for her, that she has to be this way. And I feel amazed and surprised at the same time. I also find it increadibly dark, which makes it hard to believe.
Now I also know what I need to do. Just be me, but not share with her any of my feelings anymore, because she feeds of of it.
I hope to be able to maintain this new found feeling of understanding and calmness that I currently have, during the next weeks. We will see.
At the same time I feel again the need to reach out to her, and just write simply: "I think we should talk. Do you want to talk?" Because I hope that I am wrong, I find it so dark if she really is motivated in this way. I hope I am wrong.
Thanks for sharing with us Steele, it is important to me.
I watched the youtube video you have on your profile under "Something About Me:". It was very difficult to watch, i could recognize myself in the person being potrayed. Thanks for sharing that video. Here it is if anyone else wants to watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HFjPDRxyPs
See u later <3
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I am going to work a bit on an inventory today. To get more clarity on resentments I have towards some people. I have more or less an idea of things I find difficult to accept or deal with, but I think I need to dive a bit deeper into that stuff to really be able to untangle it better.
I think I am also already very negative in my perception. I would like to be more compasionate, but at the same time prudent to not set myself up to get hurt again. I need to find a form of interaction (which is unavoidable) that works for me, and feels good for me.
That video on "running on empty", when I saw it the first time, it really struck home. The game the maker of the video uses is not my game, but I could really relate to the feeling of loneliness and isolation, and the loss of connection when in addiction. And the endless grind of again and again and again.
Really good to be out of that, and building a life, living. I am really happy with that actually. With all its hurdles and sh**ty stuff, real life is actually quite good.
Ok. Now a bit of resentment writing, then doing some sports, then cook and work some more, and we will see what else we will do too. Maybe call a friend, make a walk and drink a coffee or something like that. Have a good day today everybody.
Yeah i could really relate to that to. Sometimes i become nostalgic about the "grind" as i was playing many MMO's. However this video reminded me of the complete misery that it was. In the begining it was fun,sure but as the years went by, it became a way to escape and supress my emotions. Isolation and loneliness was real. So glad im free from that, one day at a time
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
A difficult week up until now. Yesterday morning my ex lover died. It was hanging by a tread now for some weeks already, and she died in her sleep.
Yesterday I received the news. I took the rest of the day off, walked alot, cried alot, towards the night I started to feel calm. I knew this was coming, it's terrible ofcourse, but I knew this was coming. Today the general public at the company were informed, this evening a mail was send to the people at the company informing that she has died yesterday.
My colleague that will be my team leader, she read this mail, and in a calm moment with no people around, she came over to me and said: I am sorry for the loss, I know you two were close.
I did not turn my head, I stared frozen at the screen. She walked away.
Later by chat I wrote to her: "Thank you for saying that. But she has been sick already for 2 years. But thank you for saying that." She responded by saying "I knew she was on sick leave, but I did not know what was going on". And I was thinking: because you never asked anything! You were shutting me out of everything!
I did not answer. I went out, took a walk, tried to calm down. Then I came back and saw the two "bad colleagues" talking together in the coffee area, preparing a tea. I am imagining that my new teamleader colleague is talking to the other, telling her the news that my ex lover died.
I don't know what to do with what I feel. I am thinking f- it, I am not staying any minute more in this sh- hole. I go inside, back my stuff and leave. And I am not going there tomorrow either.
You know, they could not have done it right, no matter what they do. If my colleague would have said nothing, I would be offended and I would have seen another example of cold hartedness from her side. Now that she did say something I feel the pain of the neglect that I felt during 2 and a half years.
I felt angry, alone, betrayed, neglected, hurt, and at the same time a stong longing for connection and attention from those two, and I do not know what to do with it, I am not getting what I want, I feel stupid for wanting it, and I my behaviour is making it all worse. I truely wish I could shut it off, but I feel like I am stuck. I just want so much to just talk with them, to be able to look them in the eyes and talk honestly. F-.. I miss these ****s, they have been such d-icks, but I miss them too. And it hurts to see them having connection with everybody else while I am shut out. It hurts to see them laugh, to see them make jokes.
I guess that is the core of it, but how to deal with it, how to let go..
I often actually I feel ashamed of being more preoccupied with these two colleagues than with my ex lover, who just died for gods sake. I also had this shame feeling during this entire last year, when I felt hurt by them..
But they do nothing, and I am only hurting myself. Still have not figured out what to do about that.
I am going to do some more "inventory", because this is just ...
Hi Steele, thanks for sharing, this must be a difficult time for you.
Im doing ok. I have not been to a meetin in almost a week, and i am starting to feel the effects of that which is stress and difficulty to relax.. I will try to go to a meeting ASAP. Problem is i work a lot now so i cant really go unless its very late meeting. This weekend i will be free to go hopefully. Also coming here sharing is like a "micro-meeting" which relaxes me aswell.
THanks for letting me share <3
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I said wrong last post about no meeting in 1 week, i have realized its actually been 2 weeks. I feel the anxiety and anger i delt with a lot in the beginning coming back. Its almost like i have withdrawal symptons but without the idea that gaming is the solution. Everyone around my is an "idiot".
Obviously i need to do something. Im going to a meeting in 10 mins. Hopefully i can go to more this weekend, i need to get balance again, listen to people and probably cry a bit aswell.
Thanks for letting me share
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Been going to 4 meetings now in 2 days. Feel a lot calmer than before. I dont know how it works, but it does work. Perhaps i will go to another one tonight.
My GF was visiting this weeked and we had a lot of fun. I live in shares housing together with students in the new town im working in. We are all getting along fine. One incident happened yesterday night though.... one of the guys were super high and psycotic, and i felt threatened... The oldest in the shared housing decided to call the landlord about this today. We will see what happens, i like the guy, but at the same time the incident really scared me.
I've been so wasteful with money in the past 2 weeks, i have lost control really. I need to budget properly again. I also feel pressure to work more in order to "compansate" for my wastefulness. Im in no way in any fincancial trouble, on the contrary, but still this inner stress exists. There's nothing wrong with working a lot IMO, but the feeling of compulsiveness and urgency is not good.
Thanks for letting me share
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
This weekend decided to go away, visit a friend. On Fridaynight I arrived, we grabbed a beer with his friends. On saturday we did a long hike and we talked. I talked about the things on my mind, and he could also provide some really nice feedback, since he knows me quite well.
I talked about my friend who passed away. He shared some of his experiences with loss. It was really good to have that talk.
I also talked about my colleagues and the trouble that I have there. I now see clearly that I have a depenency relationship with my colleagues. I somehow believe that I need them. I am making myself so dependent and vulnerable in this way.
On saturday night we went out, and I went a bit overboard. I danced all night, I think I really needed that. Today we talked some more, met some friends, and I said goodbye.
Tomorrow will go back to work again. Tomorrow Monday again. I will do my best to maintain the calm I now have, and just mind my business.
The calm that I had from last weekend lasted for some days. But on Thursday I was again fed-up with the situation. I talked once more with my current teamleader, and the replacement they had in mind (my bad-collegue (BC)). I think I got all worked up about it during that day, because she was a lot in the center of attention during that day. Laughing and hanging out with all the other team members, next to me, and I am just sulking and saturated (which really does not help). And she knows, ofcourse.
So I talked by chat with my current teamleader. I expressed once more that the situation is unworkable for me. She again replied with what she always said: (in a very understanding way, but basically saying) I am sorry but this is something private, there is nothing I can do. All thursday my adrenaline was skyrocketing, and when finally my BC left, I went to a restroom over there at work and slept 2 hours before continueing with work. I was drained. Later that day, at night, I went running, trying to get the anxiety away, and I guess it helped some.
The next day at work I was immediately again fed-up. I decided that the answer my teamleader was providing was not sufficient. I will not accept the situation of my BC becomming teamleader, and me reporting to her. I wrote a letter saying clearly that this is unacceptable for me. I cannot fuction under a person who has systematically been ignoring, lying, expressed scorn and contempt for 2.5 years. There is this huge issue of trust here. It has impacted fuctioning and it will impact functioning even more when the BC becomes teamleader.
I listed a number of possible options: 1) have her talk with me, to you she still needs to listen, to me she does not. 2) put me in another team, 3) fire me, we can discuss conditions. 4) do nothing and you have an unproductive employee and everybody suffers.
I went to the human resources department with the idea to get more information on "if they could fire me". I brought with me my letter stating the situation and how I did not accept it. I explained I had a conflict with a colleague and I showed the letter to explain what was going on. She read it, and I saw her eyes roll a couple of times. I think it came across very clear that I am not accepting the situation as it is, and that it is already caused by 2.5 years of continuous isolation. I had an difficult converstation with a representative there, who interviewed me on the conflict, tried to find reasons for the behaviour from their part. I told her that there must have been good reasons in their mind for behaving this way, but I dont know what they are, I have only hunches.
She said they could not fire me without good reason, I asked what those good reasons than would be. She said she could not provide that information. I told her that I felt hostage of the situation. I am scared. She proposed to set up a dialogue, an intervention, and asked if I was willing to talk. I said that this was what I had been trying for 2 f-ing years already, yes I am willing, but my expectations are extremely low. She would contact my supervisor about this, and have it set up.
I went back to my work place, noticed that I was completely agitated. After half an hour without being able to calm down or concentrate, I decided to pack my stuff and I left without saying anything to my colleagues next to me. I wrote a mail to my teamleader saying. "I am sick, I'm going". And I left. Letter by whatsapp I informed her about that this topic had been scaled up, and that the people from the HR department would contact her on this. I went running, but I just kept on being angry and frustrated.
Later that day my roommate came home. He had talked with by BC. She had been contacted by supervisor, and they have set up a meeting to talk. She told him that it was true that she had been trying to have minimal contact with me during 2.5 years (first time that I hear her admitting anything!). She said she did not know that it impacted me so much.
We see what we want to see. During 2 years I wanted to see friends in them, and every time I ran into a wall. I reasoned it away, I doubted myself, I found explanations that is was because of others, I doubted my gut feelings that something was wrong. And she wanted to believe that her coldness, her avoiding questions, lying, me literally saying that I was hurt and ignoring it, ignoring my requests, that this was all not so important. Because it is more comfortable to think so.
So I guess on Monday I will have a sitdown with her. I really do not have high hopes. I am already tired of the situation for so long, and I am not very much interested anymore in fixing anything. I just feel fed-up. I want to hear what she has to say though, and if I can find some honesty in what she says or if it is all just for show.
My roommate told her that I am looking for other jobs. And the BC said that that is probably the best thing I could do. Now I must think that she is having good intent when she says that, but I find it very hard to believe anymore.
What I find curious is that likely this bad work situation has been fueling my gaming addiction. But while I was gaming I was numbing it out and went from day to day. Now that I am free of addiction, I can afront the real problems, and that is what I am doing now.
Thanks for coming to this forum and share Steele, your posts are important to me
I wanna touch on something that i've had issues with for some time. 2 of my family members are suffering from problems with alhohol. For one of them the situation is so serious that he will probably pass away within 2-3 years if things doesnt change for him.
I often have nightmares about this person. tThe nightmares consist of different things, sometimes the person dies, sometimes it's just a lot of arguing about the problem.
The other family member who is also suffering is not close to dying from the alcohol itself, but is suffering some serios mental and financial consequences. She expressed her problems with me and telling me how much she wanted to stop drinking. I gave very little input and tried to focus on listening. Her anxiety on this issue was serious. However, nothing seems to have changed despite our conversation, and she seems to keep suffering. ¨¨
I really needed to get this out since i tonight had one more of these nightmares.
Thanks for letting me share
—
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I must say that despite of my complaining in this thread my life is really good. I have good friends, a very good girlfriend, a job that im looking forward to work at. I have a nice place to live. I have the opportunity to save and invest a lot of my salary every months which will bring me even greater opportunities in the future.
Sure things are not perfect, but perfect is not realistic for anyone. However i must say things are very good.
Thanks for letting me share, and thanks for helping me stay clean
—
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I still check the forums every day, but do not write every day. Things are going better, slowly.
Yesterday I spend 3 hours watching a "workshop" and making notes to myself. I found it to be very useful to me.
Nonviolent Communication - Marshall Rosenberg. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEqmZ2E1o64
I hope everybody is doing fine. Hugs to you all!
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Hello peeps thanks for ur posting and sharing
lately i've been very thankful to be alive and to be in my own shoes. I trust myself more than previously
I still struggle with my emotions and behaviour though... Yesterday a friend asked me for a favor, and first i said yes, then no, then yes again. I felt shame and guilt. He is the type of person who doesnt take "no" for an answer and i feel pressured. I dont know the lesson here other than not say yes or no to quickly, and instead say "let me think about it for a while, and we can talk again". that way i let the thing sink in and i can make a better decision...
sorry for my ramble....
thanks for having this forum. happy to be game-free yet another day <3
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello peeps,
Happy to not be gaming and not experiencing all the craziness, anxiety, shame etc that comes with it. Also migrane headaches....
My life is hectic but fun. Lots of work projects going on. Soon beginning a new job in a new town, looking forward to that. Planning, preparing etc.
Until my new job starts im working a lot in my old town. Met some great collegues and we have become friends.
Happy to be able to go to meetings and connect with other addicts, drink coffe, listen and share
See u soon fellow recovering gaming addicts <3
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello peeps,
Happy to be game-free just for today
Today i've done some thins that i've been postponing. I made a plan tp have better overview of my economy, but I always have resistance towards writing balance & income sheet, aswell as budgeting for the future month
I think this resistence is a remnant from my gaming days, i always put my head in the sand and played compulsively whenever i was supposed to deal with finacial issues. It was a huge trigger for me back then
Nowadays my solution, just for today, is not in games, my solution is meetings, service and working the steps.
Thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I think I can celebrate today. I received a positive evaluation at work, it looks like efforts are starting to get noticed and appreciated. The change I feel in my head is being seen in the outside world as well.
Also, with one colleague with whom I have / had bad / cold / no interaction, the last weeks seem to be much better. Grateful for that. Maybe one day we can have a drink and laugh again like we used to do. Or maybe not. Its more normal, thats already a blessing.
Now that I am less obsessed with these "bad" colleagues, my thoughts go more and more towards another actually much more important topic. A friend is pretty bad now, due to cancer. She's my ex-lover. I want to be there for her, but I can't. Its complicated.
I dont believe in God, but now do sometimes pray. I would not mind if you would pray for her too. She has been good to me, we have been good for eachother. I want her to be well and not suffer.
I guess right now the best thing I can do is live well. I know she would want that for me. She would want me to enjoy and not be sad, so that is what I will do. And love her from a distance.
Hope you are all doing ok. Thanks for being here. Hugs to you all.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Congratulations to the positive evaluation!
Im feeling pretty good today. Looking for a place to stay and a car for the new job starting in 1 month. I can feel myself getting a bit compulsive about this. I need to "sleep on things" before i act, otherwise i can easily make decisions that i later regret.
I pray to not panic over things, and instead calmly plan and execute.
Generally have a positive view of the future. Met my therapist yesterday, and he was really happy to see positive changed in my behaviour. Working the steps, doing kbt, and getting medicine for my specific diagnosis seems to have payed out.
thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello peeps, how are u?
Im fine, generally everything is going well.
Happy to not be playing games, thanks to this forum and meetings.
Just wanted to check-in and write something, dont know what to write really
im getting compulsive about making money, i think a lot about that, trying to figure out ways to get more, work more, save more, waste less.
Im not sure if its completely bad though, i've saved up more in the past 6 months than ever before in my life, i budget more and keep track of my finances. When i was gaming i was often poor, even broke, because of not handling my finances properly.
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Doing good. Had a nice weekend. Library and studying a lot on saturday, a movie with a friend at night, hiking on Sunday. Have a little bit sunburn.
Same irritations as always are still very much present in work environment, but it all is much more managable. When I am tired I noticed that it is much more easy to get back those old familiar feelings of anger, feeling ****ed or sad. Best to then just take a nap or do something social. Trying hard to not let it make me feel blue any more than needed. But it remains difficult.
I think today I have 145 days without gaming. It's so much better now than with gaming!
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
(singing)
150 days, 150 days, 150 days!
Happy!
Great! This used to be imposible, but not anymore! :-)
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Thanks for writing Steele
Congratulations to 150 days!!!!!!!!
Happy to not be playing and be able to live life with the good and the bad.
Doing good feeling good. Nothing special to report
thanks
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Congratulations Steele!!! That is truly amazing!!
If you can't stand for something you'll fall for anything.
Hello peeps, thanks for posting
Im doing ok, getting ready to move to a new town in about a week. Gonna finish some things this weekend that i have been postponing, got all evening and night with a friend to work together. i like working next to someone, better than working alone
Looking forward to tonight and tomorrow.
Listened to an audiobook today about integrity, hit me hard. I have some areas in my life where i need to apply integrity, say no, or change my behaviour so that it is congruent with my values. Right now my moral compass are sometimes completely messed up...
No plans to game!
Thanks for letting me share.
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Today my plan is to work a little bit and have a little bit of fun as well. I need to polish up my Curriculum Vitae, and prepare paperwork for some stuff I need to do this week. But I will also go outside and go into the water, to surf a bit. Tonight going to eat out with some friends too.
Thinking about it... my social life has improved a lot since I started leaving gaming behind. It took time, and still I think it could use improvement, but now I tend to say "yes" to almost anything.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Thanks for sharing,
Im doing ok, gonna mostly work today together with a friend. We are doing different things but sit together, eat together etc.
Yesterday i read a cool book called "Six Pillars of Self-esteem". I realized that some of the ways in which i live are harmful for my self-esteem. I've made up some plans on how to change them
Thanks for meetings and the community, without you i would have no chanse.
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello peeps,
I feel calm and peaceful today. Gonna work full-day today with teaching.
I've been postponing to continue my work with step 4. Im afraid of what emotions might come up if i keep working on that. Maybe i should ask my sponsor about this hahaha.
Ok that's it for now
Thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Just wish I could make it go away.
Lets get through this together Rhumor! Come to a mumble meeting <3
Today is one of those days were im thinking of going back to gaming. One of the guys in my old main game is making some serious money from streaming because of an upstream in popularity in recent years. That means that players who have been in this game for years have a big advantage during the increase in popularity, because of the lack of good players. Im telling myself the classic things:
"Only one hour per day"
"It's strictly for the money, i dont even want to game, remember you have to adapt to the current age, work smarter not harder, its stupid to just work in traditional ways, the internet is full of amazing opportunities, besides there are a lot of spillover effects like better voice (because of streaming)" <--- this whole quoted reason is a difficult one.
Well im still hanging in there. So far im not even missing gaming, but i have strong compulsive behaviour regarding money
Thankfully i have meetings, which i will attend today.
Thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
WOOF. Today was a long, rough day, but it was another day. I can't express how grateful I am for the community here at OLGA. You guys are a light in dark places.
Taking Steps toward recovery since November 2, 2012. The difficulty of the path makes it worth the walking.
Hi people,
I got a long day of work ahead of me, but i dont mind. I think it's rather exciting. I just do the best I can. i need to practice forgiving myself if i don't produce the exact results im planning for today. Sometimes i get stressed when there really is no reason for it. Example, im late, well there's not much to do about that now, no reason to throw my clothes in the air, it wont make it go faster. Also, being late is not the end of the world. I get very stressed when im late for some reason. I wonder what Freud would have said about that :P
Very thankful to not be playing games. Games for me was a complete misery of anxiety and pain. So happy to be free from that one day at a time. The thoughts about gaming again from yesterday are thankfully 98% gone. <3
Thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hi peeps,
Today i have a pretty rough deadline on a project. But i feel ok anyway. I'm gonna be at my friends house and we are gonna eat together, drink energy drinks and potatochips ;) If youre gonna work, why not make it comfortable? ;)
Well thanks for this community. None of this would be possible if i was gaming
Thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Yesterday all day out of the house, in the mountains, skiing. Afterwards hanging out, eating with some friends, all quite good, nice.
I slept many hours tonight, probably because of the long day yesterday was. Now waking up slowly, maybe will need another coffee to really get going.
I have some work to do today, delaying starting with it, doing chores in the house and reading / writing on internet, and on this website too :-) . Will procastinate a bit more, and then really start putting in some hours. Have a good day everybody.
Not gaming, and happy for it.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Thanks for sharing Steele,
Today has been great so far IMO. Doing some physical work in a warehouse, hanging out with colleges and friends. Now im sitting at my friends place and we are gonna do some writing-work. We work on separate things but still sitting together is something i really enjoy
Thankful to not be gaming
Thanks for letting me share.
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello peeps,
Yesterday was great. Managed to meet my deadlines and also had fun at the same time, crazy right? Working with a friends seems to be the key for me. Doesn't necessarily have to work on similar projects. I dont enjoy being alone.
Today i have a lot of things on my schedule which is fun. Im doing things I enjoy, most of the time.
Thanks for helping me not play games, thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Today is an eventful day,
and i feel a little anxious. Will i be able to do everything i planned? I need to realize that the best thing for me is to take it easy and take one thing at a time. It's ok if i have to skip something that i have planned. I can just do it tmr instead. It's really no big deal. Still i feel this stress. Gonna try to work on some KBT tonight.
Some people view stopping an addiction as a "one time decision". "I decided to quit" and that's it they think. In my experience actually it takes a million decisions. Everyday you make a new decision, the decision to not begin using whatever ur addicted to, just for today. This is the reason why i need meetings e.t.c.
Thanks for helping me to not start to game again.
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hi Wazzap, everybody.
I agree with what you say. Every day I am reading a bit of "just for today", and when I feel stuff, I try to think about what I am feeling and why, to understand myself more.
For me recovery has been about getting conscious or aware of myself, the things that hurt and the things that are important to me. And I really had to get rid of gaming to be able to get to the me behind it.
Hope you all are doing well, there is always a different way. Thanks for being here and letting me share.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Hi Steele, hi everyone
I feel ok, eventfull today aswell. I feel slightly stressed. A friend of mine have a family member who is about to, or already did, pass away. He was in hospital with him yesterday night. He called twice, but i could not pick up. Then a called him back, no answer. Then he killed me again when i was sleeping. I feel ashamed of not being there properly for my friend.
Im scared of working with step 4. Last time i did i broke down and was very sad. Occasionally thoughts from my past flash up and makes me sad/stressed/angry. It happens quite spontaniously. Im afraid it will come up even more if i work on step 4. Maybe i need to work next to someone who's also doing stepwork, just to feel safer.
However, im gonna try to get to a meeting today. Maybe two meetings.
Thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Sorry to hear that about your friend. He will understand. Just give him another call. He will appreciate it.
Or a simple txt message. If you dont know what to say, you can always write "I dont know what to say". They will appreciate it for sure.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Thanks for the advice Steele, i textet him pretty much what u said, it's always nice to have some advice in these situations
I havent going to a meeting in a few days and i feel i need to go. it always relaxes me. Gonna try to attend the cgaa meeting tonight
thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello peeps,
I went to a stepchat meeting at cgaa. Great to connect with some gaming addicts, been some time.
Gonna try to attend to a face 2 face meeting tmr aswell.
Probably gonna travel to the new town today where i will start working in about a week
thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I am doing fine. Yesterday went to a concert, great fun. Today at work more tired, logically, but also more irritable.
Not much more to report for now. Looking forward to taking a small nap, and then will see what to do this weekend. One of the first weekends in a long time that I do not have specific plans. I actually think this is a bad thing.. :-). So will think of something to do.
Thanks for letting me share.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Hello peeps, thanks for sharing
Went to an na meeting today in the new town, felt great, got very relaxed. They were really nice to me, even thought they had never seen me before..
im quite tired, think im gonna take a nap aswell ;P
Thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello peeps,
i seem to have some stress/tension in my body these past days. Meetings help a lot to deal with that, aswell as deep breathing.
We had newcomers at the NA meetings today. I almost started crying cuz i was reminded of the complete misery in my life when i was gaming. Thanks a lot for helping me stay clean
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I feel very much frustrated and deep anger towards towards my two co-workers. I think I need to find a sponsor and start working steps, make an inventory of relationships, etc. So much resentment. It is difficult to get to "acceptance". It sounds so great, but I am not getting there.
My ex-lover is in the final phase, due to cancer. For a couple of weeks now we know that no treatment is possible anymore and her body is fading away.
I guess that this situation is fueling my anger right now. Something I can be angry at in a helpless situation.
Glad to not be gaming though. What good would that do?
Hope you are doing fine, thanks for letting me share.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Thanks for taking the time to share Steele,
Im starting a new job today and im very nervous. Well, cant do much about the nervousness, its gonna be there no matter what i do
Thanks for listening
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello peeps
It amazes me how a site like this is not more popular. Gaming addiction is a huge problem in our society, still the help is almost non-existent.
On reddit there is a subredit called "stopgaming". This subredit have links to both olganon and cgaa. Still only a fraction of a percent seems to end up on one of these forums, and even less on an online meeting.
I hope all of this is part of a process were communities like these keeps growing, and maybe one day have our own face to face meetings in every major city. Because the people out there need this
Nice to not be focused on myself for a change ;P
Thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
A week with a lot of feeling. Not sure what to say about it. I had found more calm the last months, but it was not here anymore the last two weeks.
A day after I made my last post, I found out that we will have a new team leader, since our current team leader will go away for a year. My colleague that I have so much trouble with, she will become the intermediate team leader.
I was upset when I found out, and I left the office taking the rest of the day off. The next day the announcement was made in a team meeting that we would have her as team leader. I just sat there.. not angry or someting, but I was boiling and trembling.
Before entering into the meeting the "bad colleague" attempted to make some small talk with me, and after the meeting, in which to she must have seen that I was upset, she came up to me in front of the team and offered out of the blue to get me coffee.
For 2 and a half years now we have had no contact. I asked her many times what is going on. I asked many times "how was your weekend", and I have received cold answers pushing me away. I asked many times "when you go for a coffee, I would like to go with you too" and I have never been asked or invited in 2 and a half year. Never has she offered to get me a coffee. We have had tension rise up so much that half a year ago we had a verbal fight, in which I said that I did not believe any more when she said "everything is normal, nothing is going on". When she saw that I did not believe it anymore, she shouted "we are not friends!". Even then I kept the door open for talking, for mending the relationship, and I was still pushed away and my offers and reaching out put down.
And now on the day of her "victory" and of the day of my "defeat", this public act of offering to get coffee, so out of caracter for 2 and a half years.
How easy is it to just say "hey, lets go drink a coffee, lets talk". "I know things have been bad, but I dont want to go on like that anymore". I do not believe anymore that this offering of getting the coffee was an effort to mend relationships.
Years have passed in which this could have been done. Years in which I kept reaching out, believing in friendship and being friends. I was kept hanging in doubt, believing still in being friends, and I kept getting hurt. I am an open book, when I am hurt, I stop talking, am less joyfull, less talkative, turn inward. They knew perfectly fine when I was feeling hurt. She knew perfectly fine when I was feeling hurt.
A year ago at a party she talked with me. She said that she was seeing that I was hurt at work. I said to her, yes I am, and I could name 3 or 4 incidents during that same week in which I was shut out and my reaching out to her was being met with a cold wall, pushed away. She acknowledged that this was happening, and said that she was sorry that I was feeling that way. Afterwards I hoped that things could change, like I had hoped every time when there was a glimmer of more normal contact. But the saying sorry ment just that: I am sorry you feel that way, but I am not going to act any differently with you at work. Half a year later this led to a violent verbal confrontation, in which I said that I did not believe anymore when they said "everything is normal", and she said "we are not friends".
Somehow these last 2 days I am more calm. I am thinking constantly about it, but I am definitely more calm. It is as if I some things are differently now. Since half a year I know now that from her side, we were already not friends anymore for 2 and a half years. But now I also believe that she is getting a sense of joy or control or what ever it is, from seeing hurt in someone that hurt her in the past.
It all makes sense, all the incidents that have happened during the last years, the behaviour, the looks. I could not see it before, because I am nothing like that, nothing like that at all. And it makes me feel sad and sorry for her, that she has to be this way. And I feel amazed and surprised at the same time. I also find it increadibly dark, which makes it hard to believe.
Now I also know what I need to do. Just be me, but not share with her any of my feelings anymore, because she feeds of of it.
I hope to be able to maintain this new found feeling of understanding and calmness that I currently have, during the next weeks. We will see.
At the same time I feel again the need to reach out to her, and just write simply: "I think we should talk. Do you want to talk?" Because I hope that I am wrong, I find it so dark if she really is motivated in this way. I hope I am wrong.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
And I definitely should not be thinking so much about this. I am overthinking. That is a no-brainer. Trying to do that too..
It is also very much possible that she is just as confused about her feelings and I sometimes am, and is figuring out stuff along the way too.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Thanks for sharing with us Steele, it is important to me.
I watched the youtube video you have on your profile under "Something About Me:". It was very difficult to watch, i could recognize myself in the person being potrayed. Thanks for sharing that video. Here it is if anyone else wants to watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HFjPDRxyPs
See u later <3
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Thanks for saying that.
I am going to work a bit on an inventory today. To get more clarity on resentments I have towards some people. I have more or less an idea of things I find difficult to accept or deal with, but I think I need to dive a bit deeper into that stuff to really be able to untangle it better.
I think I am also already very negative in my perception. I would like to be more compasionate, but at the same time prudent to not set myself up to get hurt again. I need to find a form of interaction (which is unavoidable) that works for me, and feels good for me.
That video on "running on empty", when I saw it the first time, it really struck home. The game the maker of the video uses is not my game, but I could really relate to the feeling of loneliness and isolation, and the loss of connection when in addiction. And the endless grind of again and again and again.
Really good to be out of that, and building a life, living. I am really happy with that actually. With all its hurdles and sh**ty stuff, real life is actually quite good.
Ok. Now a bit of resentment writing, then doing some sports, then cook and work some more, and we will see what else we will do too. Maybe call a friend, make a walk and drink a coffee or something like that. Have a good day today everybody.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Hi,
Yeah i could really relate to that to. Sometimes i become nostalgic about the "grind" as i was playing many MMO's. However this video reminded me of the complete misery that it was. In the begining it was fun,sure but as the years went by, it became a way to escape and supress my emotions. Isolation and loneliness was real. So glad im free from that, one day at a time
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
A difficult week up until now. Yesterday morning my ex lover died. It was hanging by a tread now for some weeks already, and she died in her sleep.
Yesterday I received the news. I took the rest of the day off, walked alot, cried alot, towards the night I started to feel calm. I knew this was coming, it's terrible ofcourse, but I knew this was coming. Today the general public at the company were informed, this evening a mail was send to the people at the company informing that she has died yesterday.
My colleague that will be my team leader, she read this mail, and in a calm moment with no people around, she came over to me and said: I am sorry for the loss, I know you two were close.
I did not turn my head, I stared frozen at the screen. She walked away.
Later by chat I wrote to her: "Thank you for saying that. But she has been sick already for 2 years. But thank you for saying that." She responded by saying "I knew she was on sick leave, but I did not know what was going on". And I was thinking: because you never asked anything! You were shutting me out of everything!
I did not answer. I went out, took a walk, tried to calm down. Then I came back and saw the two "bad colleagues" talking together in the coffee area, preparing a tea. I am imagining that my new teamleader colleague is talking to the other, telling her the news that my ex lover died.
I don't know what to do with what I feel. I am thinking f- it, I am not staying any minute more in this sh- hole. I go inside, back my stuff and leave. And I am not going there tomorrow either.
You know, they could not have done it right, no matter what they do. If my colleague would have said nothing, I would be offended and I would have seen another example of cold hartedness from her side. Now that she did say something I feel the pain of the neglect that I felt during 2 and a half years.
I felt angry, alone, betrayed, neglected, hurt, and at the same time a stong longing for connection and attention from those two, and I do not know what to do with it, I am not getting what I want, I feel stupid for wanting it, and I my behaviour is making it all worse. I truely wish I could shut it off, but I feel like I am stuck. I just want so much to just talk with them, to be able to look them in the eyes and talk honestly. F-.. I miss these ****s, they have been such d-icks, but I miss them too. And it hurts to see them having connection with everybody else while I am shut out. It hurts to see them laugh, to see them make jokes.
I guess that is the core of it, but how to deal with it, how to let go..
I often actually I feel ashamed of being more preoccupied with these two colleagues than with my ex lover, who just died for gods sake. I also had this shame feeling during this entire last year, when I felt hurt by them..
But they do nothing, and I am only hurting myself. Still have not figured out what to do about that.
I am going to do some more "inventory", because this is just ...
Sorry for the rant. Thanks for letting me rant.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Hi Steele, thanks for sharing, this must be a difficult time for you.
Im doing ok. I have not been to a meetin in almost a week, and i am starting to feel the effects of that which is stress and difficulty to relax.. I will try to go to a meeting ASAP. Problem is i work a lot now so i cant really go unless its very late meeting. This weekend i will be free to go hopefully. Also coming here sharing is like a "micro-meeting" which relaxes me aswell.
THanks for letting me share <3
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I said wrong last post about no meeting in 1 week, i have realized its actually been 2 weeks. I feel the anxiety and anger i delt with a lot in the beginning coming back. Its almost like i have withdrawal symptons but without the idea that gaming is the solution. Everyone around my is an "idiot".
Obviously i need to do something. Im going to a meeting in 10 mins. Hopefully i can go to more this weekend, i need to get balance again, listen to people and probably cry a bit aswell.
Thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello peeps,
Been going to 4 meetings now in 2 days. Feel a lot calmer than before. I dont know how it works, but it does work. Perhaps i will go to another one tonight.
My GF was visiting this weeked and we had a lot of fun. I live in shares housing together with students in the new town im working in. We are all getting along fine. One incident happened yesterday night though.... one of the guys were super high and psycotic, and i felt threatened... The oldest in the shared housing decided to call the landlord about this today. We will see what happens, i like the guy, but at the same time the incident really scared me.
I've been so wasteful with money in the past 2 weeks, i have lost control really. I need to budget properly again. I also feel pressure to work more in order to "compansate" for my wastefulness. Im in no way in any fincancial trouble, on the contrary, but still this inner stress exists. There's nothing wrong with working a lot IMO, but the feeling of compulsiveness and urgency is not good.
Thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
This weekend decided to go away, visit a friend. On Fridaynight I arrived, we grabbed a beer with his friends. On saturday we did a long hike and we talked. I talked about the things on my mind, and he could also provide some really nice feedback, since he knows me quite well.
I talked about my friend who passed away. He shared some of his experiences with loss. It was really good to have that talk.
I also talked about my colleagues and the trouble that I have there. I now see clearly that I have a depenency relationship with my colleagues. I somehow believe that I need them. I am making myself so dependent and vulnerable in this way.
On saturday night we went out, and I went a bit overboard. I danced all night, I think I really needed that. Today we talked some more, met some friends, and I said goodbye.
Tomorrow will go back to work again. Tomorrow Monday again. I will do my best to maintain the calm I now have, and just mind my business.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Thanks for sharing Steele,
Im good, new job is working out fun, no stressfull feelings, weeked with marathon meetings really helped out!
Looking forward to go to more meetings next weekend, it really works well for me.
Happy to not be gaming
Thanks
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Thanks for sharing Steele,
Im good, new job is working out fun, no stressfull feelings, weeked with marathon meetings really helped out!
Looking forward to go to more meetings next weekend, it really works well for me.
Happy to not be gaming
Thanks
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
The calm that I had from last weekend lasted for some days. But on Thursday I was again fed-up with the situation. I talked once more with my current teamleader, and the replacement they had in mind (my bad-collegue (BC)). I think I got all worked up about it during that day, because she was a lot in the center of attention during that day. Laughing and hanging out with all the other team members, next to me, and I am just sulking and saturated (which really does not help). And she knows, ofcourse.
So I talked by chat with my current teamleader. I expressed once more that the situation is unworkable for me. She again replied with what she always said: (in a very understanding way, but basically saying) I am sorry but this is something private, there is nothing I can do. All thursday my adrenaline was skyrocketing, and when finally my BC left, I went to a restroom over there at work and slept 2 hours before continueing with work. I was drained. Later that day, at night, I went running, trying to get the anxiety away, and I guess it helped some.
The next day at work I was immediately again fed-up. I decided that the answer my teamleader was providing was not sufficient. I will not accept the situation of my BC becomming teamleader, and me reporting to her. I wrote a letter saying clearly that this is unacceptable for me. I cannot fuction under a person who has systematically been ignoring, lying, expressed scorn and contempt for 2.5 years. There is this huge issue of trust here. It has impacted fuctioning and it will impact functioning even more when the BC becomes teamleader.
I listed a number of possible options: 1) have her talk with me, to you she still needs to listen, to me she does not. 2) put me in another team, 3) fire me, we can discuss conditions. 4) do nothing and you have an unproductive employee and everybody suffers.
I went to the human resources department with the idea to get more information on "if they could fire me". I brought with me my letter stating the situation and how I did not accept it. I explained I had a conflict with a colleague and I showed the letter to explain what was going on. She read it, and I saw her eyes roll a couple of times. I think it came across very clear that I am not accepting the situation as it is, and that it is already caused by 2.5 years of continuous isolation. I had an difficult converstation with a representative there, who interviewed me on the conflict, tried to find reasons for the behaviour from their part. I told her that there must have been good reasons in their mind for behaving this way, but I dont know what they are, I have only hunches.
She said they could not fire me without good reason, I asked what those good reasons than would be. She said she could not provide that information. I told her that I felt hostage of the situation. I am scared. She proposed to set up a dialogue, an intervention, and asked if I was willing to talk. I said that this was what I had been trying for 2 f-ing years already, yes I am willing, but my expectations are extremely low. She would contact my supervisor about this, and have it set up.
I went back to my work place, noticed that I was completely agitated. After half an hour without being able to calm down or concentrate, I decided to pack my stuff and I left without saying anything to my colleagues next to me. I wrote a mail to my teamleader saying. "I am sick, I'm going". And I left. Letter by whatsapp I informed her about that this topic had been scaled up, and that the people from the HR department would contact her on this. I went running, but I just kept on being angry and frustrated.
Later that day my roommate came home. He had talked with by BC. She had been contacted by supervisor, and they have set up a meeting to talk. She told him that it was true that she had been trying to have minimal contact with me during 2.5 years (first time that I hear her admitting anything!). She said she did not know that it impacted me so much.
We see what we want to see. During 2 years I wanted to see friends in them, and every time I ran into a wall. I reasoned it away, I doubted myself, I found explanations that is was because of others, I doubted my gut feelings that something was wrong. And she wanted to believe that her coldness, her avoiding questions, lying, me literally saying that I was hurt and ignoring it, ignoring my requests, that this was all not so important. Because it is more comfortable to think so.
So I guess on Monday I will have a sitdown with her. I really do not have high hopes. I am already tired of the situation for so long, and I am not very much interested anymore in fixing anything. I just feel fed-up. I want to hear what she has to say though, and if I can find some honesty in what she says or if it is all just for show.
My roommate told her that I am looking for other jobs. And the BC said that that is probably the best thing I could do. Now I must think that she is having good intent when she says that, but I find it very hard to believe anymore.
What I find curious is that likely this bad work situation has been fueling my gaming addiction. But while I was gaming I was numbing it out and went from day to day. Now that I am free of addiction, I can afront the real problems, and that is what I am doing now.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Thanks for coming to this forum and share Steele, your posts are important to me
I wanna touch on something that i've had issues with for some time. 2 of my family members are suffering from problems with alhohol. For one of them the situation is so serious that he will probably pass away within 2-3 years if things doesnt change for him.
I often have nightmares about this person. tThe nightmares consist of different things, sometimes the person dies, sometimes it's just a lot of arguing about the problem.
The other family member who is also suffering is not close to dying from the alcohol itself, but is suffering some serios mental and financial consequences. She expressed her problems with me and telling me how much she wanted to stop drinking. I gave very little input and tried to focus on listening. Her anxiety on this issue was serious. However, nothing seems to have changed despite our conversation, and she seems to keep suffering. ¨¨
I really needed to get this out since i tonight had one more of these nightmares.
Thanks for letting me share
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello friends,
I must say that despite of my complaining in this thread my life is really good. I have good friends, a very good girlfriend, a job that im looking forward to work at. I have a nice place to live. I have the opportunity to save and invest a lot of my salary every months which will bring me even greater opportunities in the future.
Sure things are not perfect, but perfect is not realistic for anyone. However i must say things are very good.
Thanks for letting me share, and thanks for helping me stay clean
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3