Daily Count Up and Accountability

"The hardest thing for me is trying to preserve that moment when I decided to quit gaming for good, the memory and awarebess of that moment seems to fade very quickly."

Isn't that the truth.  I play this little game, "I wasn't really an addict.  I over-reacted to just playing a little too much.  I can control it this time.  Look, I stopped playing 3 times already today!"  When that last sentence sounds the slightest bit reasonable, I know I've really slipped.  It's like there's a switch in my brain that suddenly goes on and says, "Hey, gaming is a great idea!"  I was clean for about 6 years, then the past few months began sliding again.  I didn't even realize it until I found myself back on one of my two most addictive games today.

I guess the good news is that you *can* remember that moment.  You can do something with your life besides play games.  I mean, if you choose to.  Good luck!

Thanks for sharing cidcid

I can relate to that, once the mind start playing these tricks on me it's difficult to stop it. It reminds me that im truly powerless over this addiction. Welcome back!

I'm ok today. Was at a 12-step meeting yesterday and also on sunday. Works really good for me. Meeting some friends there which i havent seen for a few weeks, also took coffee with one of the guys. 

I'm having some second thoughts about my choice of workplace. Im trying to not doing anything drastic though, just relax and take one day at a time. Make some kind of alternative idea written on paper and re-valuate it later. Sometimes I becom way too much "black-and-white" concerning career stuff, and i need to acknowledge this and stay cool

Thanks for letting me share. 

I believe I am full now. I mean, emotionally flowing over and unstable. At work I had a 1 hour talk with colleage. It was good, in the sense that I saw no empathy whatsoever. I told how it hurt, etc, not being told the truth, exclusion, etc, and she stared offended and angry. She focussed on being able to have normal working relationships, and I focussed on being excluded socially. I saw no empathy, all doubts I could have disappeared looking into her eyes.
It felt good to talk, but over the next days I got more unstable, anxiety, sleeping bad, not being able to concentrate, start crying for no reason, just overflowing.
I am now involving psychologists and am now at doctor. Will see what happens. I am saturated. The facts of what happened these last weeks is small, but it is the drip that makes the bucket overflow.
Thanks for letting me share.

Thanks for sharing steele

It's weekend and i haven't been to a meetign in 5 days, i can feel it. Need more regularity in meetings. Going to one now. 

I have anxiety and stress in my body. Really for now reason. There is nothing im stressed or have anxiety about. It's just the emotional reactions going on inside my body. I wanna read more CBT but i dont take the time for it.

Thanks for letting me share

Hello friends,

I've been sleeping a lot this weekend. Could be a bad sign, not sure. Was very stressed and went to meeting yesterday. Nice listening to people and also sharing of course. Felt more peace after that. I will probably go to a meeting today aswell. 

Got annoyed since i have to do an expensive repair for my car. On a massive scale it doesn't matter of course but it still annoys me in the short run. The main reason is that i try to be frugal and save & invest, and this car repair expense will basically prevent me from increasing my savings this month. The same amount i was planning to save will instead have to be used to repair the car. well well, worse things have happened, but i thought i should probably mention it atleast.

Thanks for letting me share =)

I am having holidays now. I am at my parents place. I have not been here for about 10 months. Yesterday I spent time with my family, my brother's families, their children. We all got together, because, well, I am back for a week.

Somehow just being here, being around people you love, already feels like I am standing on more solid ground. Yesterday I talked to my brother, I just mentioned casually the issues I experience at work and how it is effecting me. He just made a simple comment regarding that, and with a simple comment it all made just so much more sense.

It feels like I am in danger of falling over, but here there are these people around me that just push me up straight again.  

Hi happy u are having a good time at home Steele =)

im pretty good. Have been slacking with my secondary occupations. Gonna put aside some time tonight to read David Burns book "feeling good". They have a whole chapter about procrastination. Using the tools in the book has been useful in the past, so why not try it again?

Thanks for letting me share

Hello friends,

I feel slightly stressed this evening, gonna try go to a meeting tomorrow, haven't been at one for almost a week so... Well everything is going pretty good I gotta admit, feels like I'm moving forward towards a better life every day, I don't feel stuck like I used to

Thanks for letting me share and helping me stay clean

"I don't feel stuck like I used to"

That is a nice way of putting it :-). I have the same feeling.

My week vacation is running to an end. Tomorrow night I will go back to my guest country again. I do not look forward to going back there and having to go to my work again, it really does not feel OK anymore. I dont want to be around people that dont want me around, anymore.

This week did me really good, is doing me good. I did a lot of running, very little working (procastination is problem), much sleeping, much time just hanging out with family. I was somehow very tired, each day I slept an average of 8 hours, and an afternoon nap of 1.5 hours almost every day.

Whenever thoughts of work (my bad colleagues) come to my mind (and they do all the time), I try to block it out. I am tired of thinking of it. I dont want to waste more time with it, I dont want to waste more time with people that do not care. Still, it is easier said then done.

On Monday will have an interview for a job. Not very excited about this job, but I will explore it anyway.

This week had some really nice moments, good moments for me, moments that meant something for me. A talk with wife of my brother, a talk with with my father and how he felt really lonely a couple of years back, an uncle with a scary operation and fear for halucinations coming back.. so many people have their fears and problems, trying to deal with them in the best way they can.

Yesterday I was at my brothers house, with his family on the couch. Watching a tv program together. Just sitting there, I had to fight becoming emotional. It is awesome, just being there. Feeling part of something, feeling welcome, just good.

I will have to cultivate that feeling for myself again, when I am back "on my own".

Thank you Steele :)

went to meeting today, nice just listening to people, i wanted to share but really had nothing on my mind so i passed.

Had a minor argument just now. A friend said some things that i didnt think was ok, so i pointed that out. It was only texting but still, got some stress/anxiety because of it. Good thing is: 

1. The feelings are not as bad as it would've been before

2. My reaction is not to game, instead i login here:)

Thanks for letting me share, and thanks for helping me stay clean

Today i woke up with peace. Drinking coffee and getting ready for a new day.

 Thank god for the community, Olga, NA and AA <3

Was at a meeting yesterday. Great to listen to people sharing. Peole in different phases of their lives.

I shared about my tendency to "coach" people, family members, friends, even though they didnt ask for it. I try to make everyone come to NA and AA. I try to give people books on how to change their lifes. I think i need to tone it down. A certain amount of counceling is fine even though its not asked for, but i think im being too pushy. It reminds me of a scene in shawshank redemption  where a young guy asks the main character for help to finish school. Thats how it should be, the student should seek out the teacher because of the teachers character or success e.t.c. I should stay quiet and see if anyone comes to me.

Thanks for letting me share and helping me stay clean

I have not been thinking of gaming for a long time now. Also have not felt the urge at all.

Strange how this now returned. Not bad craving, but simply the thought of slipping away gaming. It came upon me when I was returning home after vacation, and I do not want to go to my work place anymore.

For the rest OK. I made appointments, it is important not to isolate now. I do not feel like meeting people, but I think I must try to do so. It is healthier for me. Sports, also keep doing sports.

I want to keep the feeling of calm that I had when I was on vacation. Now that I am here, immediately I have anxiety in my body, stomach irritable, I tend to get over pre-occupied with the situation at work. I do not want that anymore. I try to block the thoughts when they come up (very bad at this now). Try to focus on something else. I am also talking now with psychologist that I have available from a free service from work. It is basically just a listening ear, but on Monday it did help to take some anxiety away.

I must learn to think differently about this situation, since it is hurting me obviously. Working on finding out how.

Thanks for reminding me Steele that we actually used to play. I also forget. Also i didnt have any serious cravings at all for the past 3-4 months which is also amazing. A complete turnaround of my life compared to 2 years ago. I should add though that i have not been clean from games for 2 years but my relapses have been very short. Last time i played was sometime during summer 2016, a 2 hour relapse. Thanks to Olga, NA and AA i can stay clean from games.

Thanks for letting me share

Hello peeps,

All good in da hood pretty much. Saturday today, gonna work a bit on the computer. Happy to not be gaming. Probably should go to a meeting today, will see if i manage to motivate myself enought to do it hehe. i know it would be good for me

Yeah so i will to go meeting today :P

thanks for letting me share

A week back now, after holidays. 

Not sure what to say. It appears to be a difficult time now. I think too much about colleagues from work. Yesterday binged series, I did not do anything. I did not want to respond to calls. That reminds me of a different time, when I was gaming, a time that I do not like at all. 

At work I have been trying to shut my now team-leader colleague out of my head. Minimizing contact, not talking. I feel lost a bit. It feels like the best thing to do, to protect myself from getting hurt, but it is also acting in a way that I was accusing them of doing. It is ugly and I do not like it. I dont want to act like that. But at the same time I really feel that if I open up, I will get hurt, that I will receive a wall. I do not trust her words and how she acts anymore, that is the main issue I guess. It is too damaged. And no normal relationship will grow if we do not act normally. And I cannot find peace with that.

I talk a lot about situation at work, with colleagues. That helps, but I am also not very content about this either, because I do not want to talk bad about others, but now I do. And I hear they are doing the same with me. That hurts, it is not a good situation.

I still feel the need to talk. I still feel like there is so much un-said. But every reaching out done, has resulted in more distance. If I reach out again, it will need to be without expectation that something will be fixed. Just to share what I feel, and be OK with it to not get any response back.

I think that "my problem" is that I still have in my mind the memory of how it was. The friendship we had, the free friendly interaction, joking, sharing. I miss that, I still see them like that, and every time that they do not act in that way (because they are not anymore), it hurts. I have to accept that, but somehow I can't. Yet.

Thanks for sharing Steele, your situation at work must be very stressfull. im glad u are coming here and sharing. 

I've also been quite "shut-down" this weekend. I did very little and been quite avoiding of both work and people. It is not the person i want to be. I've felt quite low motivation to work or do other activities this weekend. Im a bit stressed too. Next week i will write an exam and if i dont succeed there's a big change i loose my student apartment. My friend is staying in it now, and i feel like i would let him down if he had to move because of me. 

It feels like i have some kind of "freeze" or "avoidance" response to this situations.

There's so much i feel that i dont have the energy to do, so i need to ask myself "what CAN i do?". Well i can listen and watch inspirering audiobooks and/or youtube clips instead of doing somthing "mindnumbing". If im too tired to move, then i can perhaps just lay still and listen to someone who knows how to pick themself up. So thats what im gonna do. 

thanks for letting me share

Hi all. 

It's been a while... Glad to see you again Wazzapp and Steele! It sounds like you've both remained gaming free, which is great to see. 

Things on my end have been a pretty mixed bag. Quite some time ago, as per my screen name here, I concluded that media addiction is a greater problem for me than gaming. Don't get me wrong, gaming is by no means good for me, but I seem to be able to stay away from gaming when the need arises. Staying away from media remains far more difficult. 

My cycle seems to constantly repeat itself... I remain free from gaming somewhere between a month and a year, but I still struggle because I start to put all of that time into other forms of media use instead. It's rare I can go more than a few days without media binges. I realize a lot of members here and on CGAA have the same issue with media, but I know I need more support in beating the media addiction. However, I can't find any groups specifically on media addiction, which is a major problem, seeing as I appear to keep failing in trying to deal with the problem using the resources available here and on CGAA. Anyone have any suggestions? 

To give a bit more info, what usually happens is that without gaming, I become desperate for anything to fill my time. I can go a few days where I put all of my free time into reading, using the recovery forums, or trying to find people to make plans with, but soon I start to crack and run out of things to occupy my free time. Weekends can be especially brutal (32 hours is a lot of time to fill!) Since I tell myself anything besides gaming is a better use of my time, I start to use less harmful media, but I lose control almost immediately as soon as I give myself the excuse to use any media. After about a week, I'm back to spending almost every minute not working or exercising watching media, which ends up being about six hours a day on weekdays, and an even greater amount of time than that on weekends... At first, I'll still maintain some healthy activities, but before long it's just as bad as it was when I was gaming. In fact, it's WORSE, because media use is even more passive than gaming is for me, leading me to feel even angrier and more depressed than I'd be if I was spending that time gaming... 

I'm so tired of this destructive cycle... I'm trying my best not to make this too negative, and I want to do everything I can to change this pattern of mine, because what I'm doing is clearly NOT working. Every time I set media limits, it isn't long until I break them, and it's not like I can just drop every type of media use from my life. I need to use the computer each day for a variety of healthy reasons, and though I can block certain unhealthy programs, eventually I don't know what to do with myself anymore, and it starts all over again.

I'll try to end this on a positive note... I am grateful that despite all of these difficulties, my life remains good in many ways. I'm still in a MUCH better place than I was in the past. I'm no longer so socially anxious that I lack the ability to engage in all but the most rudimentary conversation. I no longer wake up every morning so depressed that I can barely muster the energy to get out of bed. I can appreciate some of the great things in life, I can cope far more effectively with bad events, and I'm very grateful to have a loving and caring family. I feel confident that once I find the right method, I can continue to improve my life and effectively confront the demons I haven't yet been able to slay.

Thanks for listening guys, and I hope you're all hanging in there.  

Hi MediaAddict, nice to see you here, thanks for sharing

At my home group meeting in NA (a homegroup is a meeting where u do extra work for the group) we have compulsive websurfing as a theme twice a month, perhaps u can also find a group like that where u are located?

Even if u dont find such a group i would still recomend NA meetings since they talk about "addiction in general" which can be applied to pretty much anything (sex, websurfing, candy et.c.)

Thanks for the suggestion wazzapp. I will have to see if any similar meetings are taking place nearby me. 

I've gone a few days with minimal media use successfully. I spent a lot of time yesterday coming up with a system of categories for my media use, separating out the healthy use, the neutral use, the problematic use, and the detrimental use. I am going to give this a try and see if I can limit use to the first two categories, and spend no more than two hours a day using problematic use (and avoiding the detrimental use entirely). If that doesn't work, I'll have to try avoiding all but healthy and neutral media use instead. Worth a try, right? 

I'm definitely grateful to be here again! 

Hello, thanks for sharing

today i had a written test. even though im done with my degree and working i still do some studies on the side. It went well i think, will know when i get the results. 

I've been very materialistic and work-focused lately. I think it is mostly good. I feel young and strong so nothing wrong with working more than the 40h per week in my opinion. I am quite obsessive about money though. Doing different calculations like "if i save X amount with Y % interest, i will then have Z amount in X years", or "how can i incease my income and decrease my expenses?". These thoughts are quite reccurent for me. Might be going overboard with this.

thanks for letting me share

Thanks for sharing wazzapp. I think being focused on work is a good thing in most cases, and it sounds like while you're working hard without neglecting other important areas in your life. In terms of money, I suppose it comes down to how much time you're spending calculating out your income. There is no question being careful with your money is beneficial, but like everything else in life, it seems to be about balance. 

My week has been good overall, although I'm worried about this upcoming weekend. I'm trying to fill the time with plans, but it gets rather frustrating because one of my only friends in this area tends to be very wishy washy when it comes to spending time together. She cancels plans with me around 30% of the time, which really sucks because if she cancels, I no longer have anything to do that day. I have plans with her this evening, but if she cancels, I'll have to find something else to do by myself, which I know isn't ideal because I already spend too much time alone. I think I need to bring this up with her, because I never cancel on her unless I have a very good reason, and it seems quite inconsiderate. I suppose I should come up with a backup plan to be on the safe side, and try my best to find multiple ways to fill the time this weekend. I definitely don't want to end up binging media all weekend again... 

Hope you're all having a good week. 

Ugh, so it looks like I'm on my own tonight. I've been doing everything I can to avoid watching Netflix or Youtube until 8, but it's been a major struggle. I'm feeling pretty tired and can't muster the energy to do much right now. I refuse to start watching media before 8 because I'm sick of failing my goals. I suppose I can spend some of this time planning out the rest of my weekend. It's going to be difficult because each weekend I've been watching incredible amounts of media, but if I can beat it this weekend, at least I'll be moving in the right direction. 

I'll plan on attending at least a meeting or two at CGAA. I certainly need it, even if my problem may be more related to media than gaming. The two are still similar enough that it's beneficial for me to attend. 

Here's to (hopefully) a good weekend for us all. 

Hello Media. Trying to stay away from media sounds like a quite difficult job. To me it sounds like food addiction almost, you cannot just block it out 100%.

I do not think I am addicted to media, but I do definitely sometimes go into a dynamic that reminds me so much of gaming: binging series when I do not feel like doing something else. This happened on Saturday last weekend. I recognize that it brings me the same feelings of apathy and feeling bad about myself that gaming brought me too. 

Actually, I am now busy with consciously trying to bring time down browsing, facebook, instagram, etc. Really, before I was checking these websites at the start of the day, every time I went to the toilet, at night. It is a bit like the gambling fruit machines, sometimes you have a nice new article to read, but most of the times it is just "no prize". And that is a mechanism which gets me hooked easily. For me it is not a too huge of a problem, but it is something that I try to actively bring down. Gaming is the thing that really goes out of control with me, but yes, also media can work in the same way. No doubt about that.

I am trying to get more "low tech". Less internet connection, less mobile phone, going to library to not get distracted or sidetracked easily. It is just healthier for me. Speaking of low tech: I am now reading a book called "eat pray love" from Elizabeth Gilbert. I am halfway the book, and it is a nice one. I can recommend it.

How is the situation at work going? Well, this week was better. Much better.

A week ago, on Sunday, I spent the entire day writing a letter for my now team-leader colleague. I had been angry with her that entire week, minimizing contact. Doing this felt better than the desperate situation which I had felt before, because now I was feeling "in control" and it was me doing the isolation, but it felt wrong, and it was still sucking up my energy. I thought about this during the weekend, being angry would not work for a long time, it would eat me up. I needed to find some peace.

I wrote the entire Sunday. The story that I first wrote was just way too long, too much hurt. Finally I wrote a different letter, basically just saying: "The friendship we had meant a lot to me, and I miss it. I felt frustrated with not being able to get it back, the harder I tried the more distance there was. I think I made you feel like I blamed you, but that was not my intention. I was just wanting the friendship back. I miss it, and I never have been able to kill 'hope' that it could return. We now have an ugly history and some really ugly stuff happened. We have had no contact really for years. I do not know how we got here. I do not like what has happened and you probably also not, but I will try to not think anymore about what happened, and I will try to see you and see us, anew. You may have thought that I am now your enemy, but that has never been my motivation, it was always more the oposite of that. I will try to see you as just a colleague." (Or I wrote something like this. It was about 3 pages.)

When I wrote the letter I was conscious that she might not respond to it. But I was OK with that. I would appreciate it if she would talk, but I trying not to expect anything. I just shared honestly what I felt, kept close to what I felt, trying to be empathic with how it must have been for her too. And we will see.

I gave her the letter this Monday, and on Tuesday morning she wrote that "she had read it, said thanks, and said that she did not know how to respond. We will see how it goes in the next weeks, and then talk."

This week contact has been more normal. The tension seems to be out of the air. It feels awkward to have a more normal interaction, but I am very much happy about it. Healthier. The whole situation is less frustrating and tense now. 

A month ago I was flowing over, I was heavily emotional and could not stay at work anymore. I felt trapped. It made me talk, because I was crashing basically and felt like there was no way out. What happened was that other colleagues expressed support, a lot of people actually.

Somehow I have been focussed on the bad colleagues (former friends) that ignored me during these last years. They really have not been very nice, it was gotten really ugly how they behaved, and my behaviour did not help making it any better as well, but I just kept hanging on, obsessing.

I must focus now on studying. In 2 - 3 weeks I am finishing a really big project, I need to do a presentation. I still have to prepare large part of this. The last month I have been distracted, now time pressure is high. Will go to the library today and get some stuff done.

I guess what I want to say is: emotional crisis s-cks, hitting rock bottom s-cks, but it also forces you to re-evaluate and change, and usually those changes are helping you to get to a better way of living and looking at the world. So crisis helps you to grow.

Hi Steele, it's good to hear from you. I'm glad to hear things are getting better at work, and hope your studying and prep work for the presentation all goes well. My apologies if you've mentioned this before, but may I ask if you might have feelings for this colleague? The reason I ask is because I'm in a somewhat similar position with a friend/colleague, and I find my behavior much different than I'd normally behave. If we are rejected from a person we really like, or love, it's really **** hard to not get impacted by it. If you do have feelings for her, I can definitely relate with your situation, but even if you don't have feelings for her, I know it's always hard to lose a friendship with someone you cared about. I hope you are able to repair the friendship with time. 

As planned, I made it last night with only two hours of media use, which I consider an accomplishment. I also went to a CGAA meeting, which I hadn't done in quite some time. Today, I have a bit more energy, and think I will have an easier time finding things to do as a result. I should clarify that I don't think I'm addicted to all types of media, but some forms are very problematic for me, specifically Netflix, YouTube, or Twitch. If I don't schedule various activities, I can end up spending over 12 hours a day on weekends using these programs. That amount of media is simply not good for me, especially because I'm avoiding activitites that would be much more beneficial and healthy for me. 

As you said, Steele, experiencing difficult situations in life help us grow. I want to continue becoming a stronger and less passive person, and though I don't want to deal with challenging situations all the time, I want to be able to develop the ability to deal with them effectively when they do occur. This weekend, for instance, it will be somewhat challenging to use only 4 hours of media each day when I've gotten used to spending far more time than that, but I feel fairly confident I can do it. Here's hoping! 

Thanks for sharing friends, it's great to see posts in this thread

I feel my tendency to think "everyone is an idiot" is starting again. This is usually a sign that i need to go to a meeting. There's a meeting open now right outside my workplace, but im afraid to get recognized by people.

Probably better to go to a meeting tomorrow somewhere more remote.

Thanks for letting me share

Thanks for sharing wazzapp, I greatly appreciate your posts, and it's quite positive that you recognized your thoughts were starting to get more critical than usual. I can also relate to your need to avoid coworkers. As a therapist, I can't go to a lot of meetings for fear of running into clients (dual relationship isn't good). That's why I try to stick to online meetings since I can be anonymous at them. 

My weekend was pretty good, but I was very upset when my "close friend" didn't respond to my texts. Even though she was sick, I still took it personally, and thought she must dislike me. I recognize now that this thought was clearly inaccurate, but my mind is very quick to assume the worst. I think I took it personally because she's also been responding less to my text messages in general, and though I think this is never a good sign in friendship, me taking it really hard isn't going to change the situation. Rather, if she is upset with me for some reason, it's better if we talk about it. I also take rejection from her very hard in general because I have very strong feelings for her, and though she considers me a close friend, it's still hard for me that she doesn't view me as more than a friend. I know I need to find someone else, but since I'm moving in two and a half months, it's pretty much too late to date anyone at this point. 

I'm thinking more clearly about it today, especially after we had a positive interaction at the end of the day, and I'm pretty sure she was just feeling sick all weekend like she said. I realize I really need to work on my mindset in these situations, because it makes me miserable over nothing. Needless to say, I feel much better now. It's always nice when the week begins in a positive way! 

Hope you're all doing well, and having a nice start to your weeks.

I am working on the last steps of a big project of mine, that has been running for years. Can't believe I am actually going to finish it. Working on the final presentation, which will be in 1.5 week. 

Still a lot to do. Will get to work. :-) 

Nothing like this would have been possible with gaming.

Doing ok, I guess :-)

225 days now. This must have been the longest stretch so far without gaming. Nice.

Hope you all are doing well. Wish you all the best. Not gaming today.

Day 230. In the last years I have had ups and downs, and sometimes I had periods of relapse. But now 230 days in a row without gaming. The longest stretch since.. forever.

I like to look at "gaming" in the same way as I do with "smoking". Every sigarette you do not smoke is better for your health. So even if you "fail" and are not able to quit gaming completely, you have a relapse or whatever, still it is true that every day you did not game has been better for your health.

Yesterday I celebrated a real milestone. I finished my PhD. I hardly can believe it. It is done. Finally. 

In my acknowledgements of the PhD I name some people that I met here at Olga. I believe that they are now not that active anymore here, but still. Thank you Olga, thank you Pete, Kate, thank you McPhee, Hirsh and Patricia. But also so many more here. It really helped making this possible. Wish you all nothing but the best.

This has been a week of celebration, nice.
I remember having read somewhere that "succes" can be actually a stronger trigger for relapse than pain. Maybe some of that is true, since I feel the old games pulling a bit on me. I now am "free", I finished my long project.. Somehow gaming seems like a really bad idea, why would I want to do that?
No gaming today!

Thanks for sharing all of you,

Im still not gaming :) 

Started to post more and more on stopgaming on reddit. I like the amount of activity even though it is not a 12 step program, which i would've prefered. 

My life is going relatively smoothly, girlfriend, work a lot, saving, investing, cinema with friends. I feel like im getting forward, i have hope for the future, i am aiming high which is why i generally work 10-14 hours per day, i dont want to live mediocre.

I have worked for about 2 months on my first qualified job that is related to my degree. I'm enjoying it a lot and look forward to develop a carreer with the foundations im now recieving at my current position. 

None of this would be possible without you on this OGLA-forum and Narcotics Anonymous

thanks for letting me share :)

Thanks for the tip on "reddit", might check it out as well.
Things going well. Looking for jobs now, which is a boring job to do. And it is difficult finding something really. But I am exploring, finding companies, search engines, and generally getting more clarity on what I want to do, little by little.

This weekend going to visit friends far away. Looking forward to it!

Slowly improving, day by day. No gaming today.

At my friends place now. Love being here again. Contact between us has become less over the years due to several reasons.
I am struck (we are struck) by the fact that we have a lot of similar problems dominating our minds: Friendships gone bad, and our efforts / obsession to control and get it back.

Talking with my friend I realize how much better I am now. A couple of months ago I was crashing, now so much more stable, confident.
What I also see so clearly reflected in my friend is the importance of having friends around, people to talk to, to hang around with, if only yo not get over dependent upon that one relationship gone bad.
I felt so lonely. I was so lonely. So much better now.

Thanks for sharing

Just checking in :)

see ya <3

Hi everyone,

I was a part of this community a long time ago, and it helped a lot when I was deep in League of Legends addiction. Recently, I've been successful in my new college program in Computer Science, but I've now become addicted to a Minecraft mod. Like most online games, you can't just delete the game-- the sever keeps track of your progress, so quitting is harder. But today I uninstalled and am going to unclog my girlfriend's shower drain instead :)

I plan on coming here every day to report my progress. If it becomes an issue, I may need help unlinking my Minecraft account to my email by giving one of you all of my Minecraft credentials. If anyone wants to swap, I can help them lose access to their online account in any other games that they're addicted to. I'm not aware if people do this, but I think it's an excellent idea---it does raise some security concerns but I don't have any credit cards or anything on my account. I just want to never play Minecraft again.

Thanks for being here for the support guys. You're really great

Hi Braden! Welcome! It is great that you try to get games out. Your girlfriend will like it too :-).

Last weekend made a trip with the car, with friends. A little surf / camp trip along the coast. Was really nice.

At work the situation has improved, a lot. I feel less effected by bad relationships there. Not that it is over or that I am unaffected completely, but it is a lot better now.

I am calmly looking for new work. My plan for this week is to write a couple of application letters, and get that process going. And I want to keep up doing sports and meeting people, eating together, etc. Those two things really help feel more sane :-).

Thanks for sharing, thanks for reading.

Hello friends, thanks for sharing

Braden, thanks for coming here and keep sharing. Everyone here has been through what u are experiencing one way or another. If u want u can pm me your login to minecraft so i can change the email/password. 

Steele, thanks for keeping up the posting :)

I must say im in a very good place. It's not all pink clouds, but i feel calm and determined. I have hope for the future. My life is improving at a quite steady pace.

Thanks for this safe-space 

Hi Wazzapp, good to hear from you and that it is going well.

Me too, no pink clouds, but some great experiences these last weeks. Celebrated my birthday the other day, and had a lot of people over for BBQ. Sun was shining, good mood, a lot of people showed up, a succes :-) Really happy with that, everybody seemed to enjoy themselves.

Keeping the house orderly, bying good food, taking care of myself, doing sports, taking care of work, "taking care of" friends and family, simply being there. All this was gone when I was gaming. So happy to not be gaming. The counter is at 258 days now. A record.

Have a good day, and wish you a good week.

Congratulations on being game-free for so long!!!! :D

I REALLY miss McPhee who used to be in this thread. Please post something if you are out there, I have been worried for a long time and still am!

Yes, McPhee is a good motivator :-). I also have thought about him these last months, and still think about him every now and then. Good guy. Hope he doing fine.

I am doing better and better, every day, I think. 

Not sure what to say.. there are now some uncertainties in the future. What I will do, what kind of work I will find, maybe even go travel. Not sure. And I am OK with it, and that is really something.

Have a good weekend everybody. No gaming today. It has not even crossed my mind once. How nice. So different from how it was before.

Hi all,

I'm back again after another month and a half of being inactive here... Sorry about that... Steele, congratulations on over 258 days gaming-free! That's a huge accomplishment! Wazzapp, I'm glad to see you're still here and seem to be doing well. 

I've had a few slips in my gaming, having attended numerous tournaments over the summer. Fortunately, I realized the error of my ways again last weekend, and I've been able to stop gaming before it really started to get out of control. I sometimes underestimate how sinister this addiction can be, and how it can slowly creep up on me during the times I'm having a bad week. 

I was very upset with myself for a few days, but today I feel much calmer, and am working to analyze this problem more carefully in order to learn from this negative experience. Clearly, I need to be doing more to manage my recovery during the tougher weeks, and I need to be especially careful not to lose control of my media use. I need to set strict limits on media use, and if I find myself tempted to break those limits, I need to get to meetings or take other steps to maintain my recovery. More than anything else, I need to be more creative in finding ways to fill my time. I also have to stop making excuses and continue to push myself outside my comfort zone, even if it can be really hard to do. 

In a mere three and a half weeks, I'll finally be done with my internship here, and ready to move on to my next job. I am both excited and nervous, but what I need to remember is that even if the worst case scenario turns out to be true, I'll only be there for a year. I want to make the best of the experience, and I definitely want to make a greater effort to make friends and hopefully find a mutually beneficial relationship. I also want to succeed at my job and make the most out of enjoying myself whether I am working or doing something fun outside of work. 

Thanks for reading, and I wish you all the best! I'll try to be more active here again and provide you all some additional support =)

Hello friends, 

Steele, happy to hear you are doing better :)

MediaAddict, looks like you have some exciting time ahead of you! Would love to hear more of that.

I'm doing good. Working a lot and i like it, feeling i'm in the right place, working towards what i want. Sometimes i lose motivation and have a hard time getting out of the bed. I think this is a remnant from my depression. It usually does not last very long and I have found some ways to deal with it which im very greatful for.

Happy to hear from you all :)

Hi all,

Wazzapp, I'm glad you're continuing to do well overall. I can relate to your occasional lack of motivation, as I also suffer from depression at times. It's a relief that both of us have found various tools that allow us to more effectively cope with depressive symptoms when they return. In my case, I know I have to maintain healthy habits in order to keep it at bay, and though I know tough times will still occasionally happen, I feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders once I realized how much control I truly have over my mood. 

Today would be a great example. In the morning, I dealt with a stressor that would have made me extremely angry and depressed in the past. I won't go into details about the stressor, but after I spent a bit of time journaling and asking myself how I could think differently about the event, I felt MUCH better. My mood went from a 2 to a 7 or an 8, which is a perfect example of how much control I have over bad moods if I take the proper steps to counter it. In the past, I'd have been miserable and just played videogames as a way to cope, but I'd feel WORSE after gaming. It feels really good to know I can make my mood better, regardless of the situation I face, if I use the correct tools. 

I'm planning on attending the CGAA meeting this evening, as I know the weekend is always a triggering time for me. Hope to see some of you there! 

Hi, thanks for sharing.

I want to announce that I have now been over 1 year without me playing a game and i want to thank u all for contributing to that :)

Im having some relapse-thoughts today. They have been much stronger than usual. An update for my drug/game of choice is coming out and my mind is playing tricks on me. "I can try to moderate", "I can still accomplish my goals and play a little". As these thoughts come i feel a rush through my brain. It's hard to describe but it is as if some part of my brain was activated and produced a lot of energy while these thoughts became stronger. It almost felt like i became unconcious.

I will try not to game today

Wazzapp, congratulations on 1 year gaming free! I hope you're able to attend a meeting today to discuss the upcoming game, as it sounds like it's a major trigger. I know similar triggers have been a significant struggle for me in the past, so I can definitely relate. 

My weekend is off to a good start, and I managed to make it the entire day so far not using any media as I had planned. I wanted to see if I could keep my use to a few hours this evening, and it looks like I'll be successful (just another 29 minutes to go!) I have plans to visit a nearby city tomorrow, which should make it an enjoyable day as well. Although it's tough to avoid all types of media, the days are certainly much better for me this way. 

Thanks for sharing, happy to see you reaching your goals MediaAddict :)

The relapse thoughs are gone today and im really happy for it. If im gonna be honest it is either gaming or life. I most likely cannot combine the two. 

Yeah i really should go to a meeting, it has been a while

One more day of not playing games <3

Thank you wazzapp, and I'm glad to hear you were able to effectively combat the strong cravings you had yesterday. It sounds like you've been very successful in maintaining the proper steps in your recovery. 

Today has been a nice day for me too. I made a trip to a nearby city and saw a few really nice sites. I'm starting to think more positive about my time here in the midwest, and rather than anxiously awaiting the end of my internship here, I'm instead thinking of how I can make the most out of enjoying the rest of my time here. It definitely makes me feel much better. The trip also made it much easier for me to avoid media, as I spent the majority of the day outdoors and away from media temptation. 

Hope you all have a great 4th of July! Thanks again for helping me make it another day meeting my goals of much lower levels of media use! 

Good to hear from you guys.

I like what you said: "I'm instead thinking of how I can make the most out of enjoying the rest of my time here." That makes me think I need to focus on that too. 

I have been a bit low these last days. Mainly because we are now going to have the standard half year evaluation at work, and now my new supervisor will do the evaluation. And with her I have a really bad history. 

The report I wrote for the evaluation is confrontational, in the sense that I name explictly how the swith to having her as the new teamleader now caused a lot of turmoil in me. I state how she (together with friends) has been hostile for years, and that now, after I involved superiors, she was finally able / willing to change this behavior. And that I am thankful for the change.

But ofcourse she is not going to like it. She does not want to be reminded of the past, and I think she is also aware of that she was not so nice. But thinking about the whole history is bringing me down, because deep down I really miss having lost someone that I really saw as a close friend.

But.. I am not going to stay here forever, not going to stay at this job. I have beautiful colleagues and friends there, that do appreciate my presence. And yes, how can I make the most out of enjoying the rest of my time here at this company with these people?, I will try to focus on that.

Thanks for sharing!

The relapse thoughts have come back. Whenever I have a serious thought about gaming it is like a rush in my brain. It still resolves around a new release. I'm having thoughts like "40 minutes per day should be fine!". Not all the time but maybe once or twice per day. I haven't dealt with this for a couple of months actually. Of course relapse thoughts will come back eventually, addiction is not gone. I just need to get to a meeting, NA or CGAA. Somehow i tell myself i do not have time for that which is prett redicilous since i aparently have enought time to start gaming?

There's no need to analyze the logic in addiction, because there simply is no logic.

Thanks for letting me share.