Steele, glad to hear my thoughts were helpful for you. It sounds like a very difficult position to be in to continue being around her as your teamleader, but it's good to hear about the friends and colleagues you do enjoy spending time with. I can relate in part because I have a somewhat similar situation with one of my friends I work with.
Wazzapp, I agree that the gaming cravings can be quite deceptive and play tricks on our minds. Despite knowing that gaming has mostly had negative impacts on my life, I still often have thoughts that tell me I'm wrong, that gaming isn't destructive at all, and that the best thing I can do is learn to effectively moderate my use. These thoughts seem to be generated by the cravings, as I know they aren't truly accurate, but they can easily convince me to game if I'm not careful. I hope the meetings are helpful in reducing some of the intensity of the thoughts (I know they often help reduce the intensity for me).
I had a fairly nice 4th of July. Got to speak with my family and meet up with some friends for lunch. I finish my job here July 21st, and have a nice trip planned on the 30th. However, I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do between the 22nd and the 29th. I haven't had a week of unplanned free time in quite a while, and though I do feel like I've earned it, I am a bit concerned I will experience greater cravings to game and use lots of media. I think my best option is to set aside sometime in the upcoming weeks trying to plan out a few activities to keep me occupied, but it might prove to be difficult to fill the time when my friends will have already moved, and my only other acquaintances in the area are gamers that would encourage me to game with them. I'll probably need to attend more meetings in order to keep my media use in check.
Hope you all had great holidays, and thanks again for the support!
Overall, things are continuing to go well. I have a visit planned this weekend to visit some family members that will definitely keep me media free for a few days. Since I don't have many friends here who aren't gamers, it's a relief whenever I can find something to do all weekend that isn't gaming.
Hard to believe I have less than two weeks of work left here! For the most part, it seems to be drawing to a nice conclusion.
Hope you're all doing well, and thanks for reading.
Hope I'm not posting too often, but with the weekend being quite busy, I figured I'd post again since I'm trying to find a few things to keep me occupied other than media use or gaming.
This week has been pretty good, and I am greatly looking forward to visiting my brother and his family this weekend. I haven't seen him in over half a year, so it will be a nice change. I've always been pretty close with my family, so it's been tough living in an area nowhere near any of them.
I'm starting to think more about ways I can build friendships once I move to my next job. I made the mistake of making very few friends where I currently live that aren't gamers. I don't want to make that mistake again, and even though I'm shy and quite socially anxious, I will have to make a greater effort to meet people and make at least a few non-gaming friends.
Hi Media, there is no rule on number of posts :-) you cant post too many :-).
My spirits also go up whenever I am with family again. And later, when I then have to leave, it gives a bit of a downer. That is only normal, but in the past that was a trigger for me. It happened quite some times that I would go on a bender afterwards.
But now I am more aware of that, and I try to do sports, push myself to do something, cook, run, music, whatever :-) That usually makes me feel better again.
I am doing fine. Just that.. it is Monday, and I dont like Mondays. But who does? :-)
Hi Steele, it sounds like you have good insight into returning from a family visit being a trigger for you. You're taking a proactive approach from how you describe it, which is great to hear. Glad that you're doing well overall, and I can relate to Mondays not being the best day of the week =P
This week is off to a pretty good start for me. I enjoyed my visit with my family overall, and have been enjoying the last two weeks at my current job. I received very positive feedback today, which felt good because I hadn't expected it (I tend to believe the quality of my work is never good enough). Even though I didn't form especially strong relationships with my colleagues, I liked almost all of them and enjoyed working with them.
The only thing giving me difficulty these days is my love for one colleague, but I'm finally accepting the situation for what it is, and doing my best to move on given she does not feel the same way. I am grateful I only need to see her a few more times before we both leave. After that, I hope to have very little contact with her because even though I've accepted the situation, it's still quite painful to be around her or comunicate with her. Maybe things will change after enough time has passed, but for now it's just problematic for both of us to have contact, even though she seems to think otherwise.
Thanks for reading and for the support (if anybody read this far, lol) and have a great week!
Yikes, this is the first entry here since Tuesday. Hope everyone is doing okay.
It's been a bit of a tough weekend for me because of an event I'd rather not go into detail about, but I'm doing better now. I have only a few days left at work before I finish my internship and move on to my next job. I am excited about being done, but am a little concerned about what I'm going to do the week before I leave (all that free time is going to make gaming and media very tempting). I'll try my best to find things to fill the time with.
Hope everyone else had a better weekend than I did, although I'm glad it's gotten better towards the end =)
I'm still alive and well, (and also not playing games!)
Quite active on reddit/stopgaming where i post almost everyday
Cravings are pretty much gone, but they still come occasionaly during this release period. I just need to "play the tape to the end" and see where gaming leads me, also meetings are great :)
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I dropped the ball this weekend. I played on sunday night, late at night uninstalled the game again. Yesterday after work downloaded it again and played again.
Actually, I started to lean into a relapse before sunday already, and I felt it coming and did not stop it at all. I have been in low spirits now for quite some time. Last week it came to another low, the date of my work evaluation with my new boss was coming near, and I was feeling completely angry, sad and disillusioned with the situation. On Wednesday I decided that I would not go to work on Thursday, and I did not go. I was fed up. Actually, on Wednesday night my body protested as well, I got a migrane (saw blurry in part of my vision) and afterwards all day long a headache. I had not had that type of thing since years anymore. I used the migrane as an excuse for not going to work, although I had already decided before that I would not go. Anyway.. On Thursday I practically slept untill 2 in the afternoon. Aparently I did need some rest.
But well.. I stopped doing sports, I isolated again. This weekend it went overboard. First I started watching movies about that new incarnation of my favourate game, then started to read guides, then downloaded and played. And it was boring as hell, but I played anyway, I wanted to numb out, not think. But also, I did not stop when it was time to go to bed. So Monday night I slept 4 hours, yesterday night 5. Immediately the same old same old.
But I know why it is happening. On Monday had my evaluation talk with my new boss. I had made a summary in the report stating explicitly how bad our relationship had been at work during the last 3 years: "3 years of continous ignoring, exclusion and hostility, every day. That it had affected me greatly, that it got so bad that I wanted to leave work because of it. And that now finally the attitude and treatment was getting better after I had had to included superiors." I was tense before the meeting, because I knew she would not like this "black mirror". In the meeting I saw that she was tense too, but she kept her cool. She started to talk like it was a normal evaluation. She said she found it OK that I had included that personal part in the review and that she did not oppose it. She did not coment on it further, said nothing personal about it, she kept it cold and kept her distance.
It was cold and without emotion. I had feared that she would get angry. These last months she changed her behaviour, not showing hostility openly anymore. I feared that my honesty could cause a deterioration to earlier hostility in our relationship, and I did not want that. At the same time I felt that I had to include "our history" in the report to protect myself for the future. Who will have my back? My new supervisor? I think not.
But it turned out to be a very cold and business like talk. A good talk also, on work, on goals for the next period.
But I felt completely empty afterwards. Disillusioned. She continues to shut me out, and it will not change. She does not express any care or consideration, nothing. Just cold. She stays in her fortress, the only thing that has changed is that she looks at me from the fortress walls with "normal eyes" instead of "angry eyes". And I feel empty and dont understand why it is necessary to be so cold.
I always was sure that I liked her, that in the core she was a nice person. Now I dont know anymore.
I had 290+ days game free, which is great. That was impossible a couple of years back.
Now the counter is back at day 1, but it is not day 1 of my recovery.
Plan is now: less being lazy and entertained on the couch (facebook, series, youtube, news-sites), more active myself in filling time. This can be writing (such as here), sports, building stuff, out door activities, reading, seaching for stuff to buy. The important thing being that I take control and that I choose what I do, instead of being "entertained" in an easy way and clicking on the first thing that comes along.
This morning I had to drag myself to work, no motivation at all. But I went. After work I did not want to go home and put me in a dangerous situation, so I went to the beach, ran for an hour and did a half hour workout afterwards. Feel a lot better now.
Thanks for sharing Steel, great that you keep coming back and keep posting. I've been having some strong urges aswell, your story made me realize that it is actually just boring to game, furthermore it is compulsive for me and i cannot enjoy and move forward in my life. Everything would litteraly come to an halt if i spent time gaming. I know how i work. Despite all this im still haveing strong urges today.
Thanks for letting me share, i will try to not game today.
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hi Steele and Wazzapp, glad to see you are both still here =) I definitely wish you guys all the best and I relate to how hard it can be to stay gaming free.
I finished my job and am officially a PhD now. It's been a long struggle, and it still hasn't hit home yet that I've finished my degree. I guess it might take a while. In any case, I feel quite relieved I'll never have to see the colleague again I've mentioned before. Part of me misses her and wishes we could have been in a relationship, but for the most part I know that even if that had happened, it's very unlikely a relationship would have worked out. As such, the best I can do is try to forget about her, focus on the present, and try my best to enjoy the many positive aspects of life rather than dwell on all the problems of humanity.
This week is going to be enjoyable, but challenging. I have very little work to do aside from packing and moving out, which means I'll have more free time than I've had in a while. Free time is a huge trigger for me, so I'll do my best to limit my media use to the extent I can. I'll also try to schedule my time each day to engage in various activities that can fill the time in ways I'll enjoy myself more than I would if I played games or sat around all day watching Netflix.
Thanks for reading, and hope you all have a good weekend/week!
Hello again all. its been a while, good to see usernames i recognize still posting in this thread.
so today is a weird day. for reasons i wont get into, i left this website after over a month of no gaming, and started gaming again with a clear conscience. fast forward to today, and im back here.
might post more later, but right now still processing feelings, thoughts, etc.
Gaming used to be my "safe-space" but now this place is my safe-space where i can share my thoughts and feelings.
I have been having some serious urges lately, dreamt about relapsing etc. It is a huge deal, i still live a productive life, but i know that if i relapse sh*t probably hits the fan.
Long time since NA meeting, is probably a big factor in this urges. I have not been going in ~3 months.
I need to go there.
Dballz, happy to see you posting again, welcome back :))
Love you both <3
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Thanks Wazzapp, I greatly appreciate it! It's been very helpful to read your posts and know there are others out there working on living a life without games. It's also good that you have insight into the increase in cravings and are taking actions to help reduce them.
Dballz, it's good to see you again, and welcome back! No question that it can be very hard to avoid gaming.
I had a nice weekend, and it went much better than expected. I was worried I'd lose control of my media use again, but so far I've been following the moderations I set for myself quite effectively. This upcoming week should be nice so long as I can continue to keep my media use low and avoid gaming. I'm already thinking less about the colleague I mentioned, and I think its true that with time, so long as I avoid contact with her, the thoughts will eventually continue to decrease.
Hope you all have a great week, and thanks for reading!
That is some awesome news Media :-) Congratulations on that!
This weekend I was at a festival with friends. Was really nice to share that. Very nice..
Trying to do some more sports. I notice that it helps me enormously to get anxiety out of my system, and it helps me to sleep well. Not much more to say right now.
Welcome back Dballz. Nice to hear from all you guys.
I've spent the last couple days bunkered down in my room playing a certain game. It's been really fun for me. But I can't game 24/7, so when I'm away I wonder what's the point?
I know that sounds really weird so let me explain. I'm aware I most likely have a game problem. But I'm not sure what I'm living for in general. In my past posts on here, I mentioned how I was in a sexual addiction group as well, and I'm struggling with that as well. That and video games are my two most difficult obstacles to come to terms with and remove.
I feel like the problem is, like I mentioned before, is I don't see a point. Even when i have days where I'm clean from both, and it allows me "think clearly", i don't have any goals for my life. No real drive. Even the goals that sound like they could be fun, there is no desire to persue them. So yeah. I think that's called depression... I'm not sure.
Anyways. Just wanted to post on here. Thanks for the welcome back all.
Thanks Steele! I'm glad you had what sounds like a very enioyable weekend.
Dballz, sorry to hear about your struggles. I can definitely relate, as media/gaming have led me to feel very depressed at various points in my life, and I felt like nothing mattered to me anymore besides the next game to escape from reality. I also had no desire to do anything besides game or watch media. It sounds like you are feeling somewhat similarly. I wish I could do more to help, but I do know that for myself, gaming and media were preventing me from enjoying any other aspect of my life. If you also suffer from depression, I think you can also find tools or medication that can help reduce the depression, which will in turn allow you to feel more motivated to explore other options in life that can give you that sense of meaning and pleasure.
I've been having a very good week overall. I'm trying to enjoy the time i have left here before I move, and so far, I've been doing better than I expected in doing the things I wanted to do while also keeping my media use low. I'm hoping I can continue this much lower media use when I move, as it definitely seems to improve the quality of my life. I'm also trying to stay engaged in recovery in order to cope with triggers and other difficulties when they arise effectively.
Yesterday I hade the most serious relapse-thoughts i ever had in the past months. I'm scared. I'm not sure what to do. I need to get to a support Group meeting but I have work whole day today. I'll try to join the cgaa mumble tonight
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I tried to play again, after 399 days of not gaming
I thought i finally could play "a little", i thought "i could perhaps hang out and play with some old friends over skype", and also "the game had become free to play so i didnt even have to buy it". All "great" reasons to start gaming. After 399 days i "should be able to moderate".
Yesterday, after the decision to game i raced to the store to buy a mouse to my computer. Usually i just use touchpad, but i cant game with a touchpad obviously. I exceeded the speed-limit and came to a store 3 mins before they closed. played for a couple of hours during the evening.
This morning i continued playing. I enabled an APM counter because i needed to increase my skill.
My girlfriend made me pancakes for breakfast, but i did not eat with her. Actually i did not eat breakfast at all. I just gamed. That's when it suddenly hit me;
I actually cannot moderate, i actually cannot play at all.
Uninstalled. Smashed the mouse with a big rock into a million pieces.
Now im here with another experience from compulsive gaming.
Thanks for reading
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I'm sorry to hear about your lapse Wazzapp (I refer to it as a lapse rather than a relapse because you caught it quickly and were able to stop gaming after two days). 399 days without gaming is a huge success, and 2 days of gaming does not undo all the progress you've been making. In my opinion, you deserve a lot of credit for getting back on track nearly immediately. All the best to you.
I just left the midwest yesterday and am on my way to a vacation with my family. The trip has been quite nice, and thanks to audiobooks, the drives go much more quickly. I am looking forward to seeing my family and the vacation, and know I won't have to worry much about gaming that time since I'll have plenty of activities to keep me busy. When the vacation ends, I plan to spend time planning out the weeks before I start my next job, as temptations will continue to increase during times I have unplanned free time. I will also need to make greater efforts to form friendships with people that aren't gamers.
Thanks for reading, and hope you all have a nice week!
So many things to relate to now, reading these last 5 posts.
Dballz, that subject of "motivation" and what to do and not having goals.. that sounds SO familiar. At the same time, my impression is that this is also quite universal to some degree. (not to say that it is unimportant at all) I have been quite.. down these last weeks. I now have 2 short relapses on my list. One of 2 days, and now this weekend one of 4 days. I did not have fun at all playing my game, but I guess I just wanted to "not think".
On thursday I had taken the day off for working on a project, but in the afternoon installed my old game again. And once I started playing, I started to feel more disconnected. As the hours passed my mind becomes in a freeze, not being able to think straight, and the only think I feel that I "can" do is game. I feel worse about myself for doing it, and somehow that draws me more in. Gamed untill 7 in the morning when the alarm went off for going to work on friday. I did not go ofcourse.. Bleh.. so quickly the old dynamic is back.
These last days been trying to make gaming fun again, with different maps, different whatevers.. but the magic that I am looking for is gone. No fun.
Weeks ago I bought a ticket for a festival this past weekend. I said to my friends that I was sick, and did not go. So dumb. But that is what happens when I game. Same old, same old. I preferred being isolated and feeling bad at the same time, with a game that I do not enjoy. When I dont game for a second, I feel so alone, left alone, and I want to game more. Bleh.. no logic to it, at all. But that is how it is when I game.
It is depressing me a lot, the gaming, and at the same time drawn to it. Crazy. What I need most when I am like that is people, talking and connecting, and what I do is isolate more. The complete opposite.
Back to the motivation thing: It is clear to me that, although I do have self esteem, I really very much look for and need it from outside people. Too much. Also, what I did and do has always been very much guided by whatever was just happening. People decide, and I always thought that to be easy going was a good thing, I just go with the flow. But at the same time this is not taking responsability, and also in that way avoiding responsability when things dont work out. I think it became a bit of a way of life, and gaming just fits perfectly in that lifestye. Not sure, but somewhere in these words there is a lot of truth (for me).
I need to learn how to decide for me. And that it is OK whatever I choose.
I had almost 300 days without gaming, reminds me of you Wazzapp. The day counter is back to day 1, but recovery is advancing. I really think so. I now understand much more the insanity of gaming, and how it pushes me away from what I actually need: connection with people. And the grip gaming has on me is strong, but also much less than it was before. These two relapses are reminders that I need to continue to work on myself and think differently about some stuff that keeps on bugging me.. It will make me better. Somehow.
Weekends are troublesome again. Tried an old game from 18 years ago in search of "fun". Nothing there but same old same old. But weekend flew by and left me feeling empty.
I need some more drastic changes in life. In particular work towards more social interaction, more contacts. Exactly the contrary to the isolation which addiction brings me.
Left computer in the office at work for now. When I am at home at night dont want to have that "easy entertainment" device there anymore.
Need to find out what I want to do with my life, less distractions.
Aiming for doing sports 3+ days a week. Helps lift my spirits.
Steele, sounds like you're working on some good goals. I'm trying to do the same. I just arrived in a new small town for my new job, and have a lot of work to do over the next two weeks prior to starting my job. Knowing my job will soon start, I really want to do a good job and make sure I'm keeping a proper balance in my life. I know I need to make some friends in the area, keep up with exercise, maintain contact with family/old friends, find other activities to do on weekends, and continue learning new things that interest me (while keeping track of the stuff I want to remember). Obviously, I also need to spend time on my recovery too.
My hope over the next few weeks is to keep my media use between 2-4 hours per day, and switch to 2 hours per day on workdays. So far, this goal has been greatly improving my life, so I'd really like to continue to adhere to it. If there are certain types of media I can't control, such as Netflix or Youtube, I plan to stop using those media sources entirely.
Have any of you had success in moderating your media use? I know gaming is out of the question for some of us, but since it seems impossible to remove ALL media use from our lives, I'm curious if others are able to moderate their media use effectively.
Hope everyone is doing okay. I guess I'll post again and hope at least someone ends up reading this, but even if they don't, it's still beneficial for me to write it for myself too =)
Things have been good over the past few days. Thus far, I've been successful in the limits I set myself, which I'm quite happy about. I would like to see if I can reduce it to 3 hours a day as an experiment. I did it yesterday and it went fine, with the day being no better or worse than the others so far. Two of my colleagues also talked to me about making plans, so it's good to know I should be able to build at least some nearby social support.
I noticed today I still frequently have the thought "I don't deserve that/it" whenever someone says something positive about me. I just think about all of my bad attributes, and while I can recognize I'm engaging in a cognitive distortion (negating the positive), it's still hard for me to accept the alternative thought that the person making the positive comment may see me more accurately than I do. Oh well, it's still progress that I can recognize my distortion isn't accurate.
I look forward to hearing from you all soon, and hope you've all been doing a bit better.
Strange.. it really feels like the gaming is not doing it for me anymore. I have been wanting to game and escape, but it feels empty.
I had a good weekend with friends. Went to a nice festival, good music, very intimite, nice. But I am not doing so ok really. For example, all weekend situation with colleague keeps creeping into my mind. I am more quiet, not talking so much, low mood. Today at work difficulty getting work done, I am distracted, feeling alone and left alone. Which is ofcourse mostly just in my head, but it is very present none the less, and it feels like it is s-ucking so much of live's joy out of me. I isolate, I left the table at noon when we were eating with my colleague friends to walk alone, want to be alone. I feel a bit lost with it. Tired of it. Not comfortable in my own skin.
It also feels like addiciton. I know I should stop thinking about it, I know I should just let go, but it is not working. And it is causing a lot of discomfort.
I talk to a psychologist, but have the feeling it is not really going anywhere. Talking and talking, but it feels stuck anyway. I want to leave work, but at the same time suspect that I will run into this problem again anyway in some other form.
And then there is this ever present feeling in the back of my head of "missed potential", that I should do more, that I should do something important with my life. But I have no clue as to what. And the days are ticking away.
Crisis.
I want to talk about it, talk with people about it. But talking is always with the implicit intent of solving something, of getting to some resolution or some closure. And that is just not happening here. It is just a big mess that is not resolved. I find it very very very frustrating.
Steele, I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I've been there before too, and I still have huge plans in the back of my mind that I'm afraid I'll never accomplish. One thing that's been helpful is for me to be focusing more on making small changes that could do good for others. After all, even making life better for a single person (or other animal) means you're making the world a slightly better place. Perhaps you might be able to talk with your psychologist a bit more about exploring some of the the things that might help give you that sense of accomplishment. In any case, I hope things start improving soon.
This week was going well for me until today. I contacted my friend I'm still in love with, convinced it would be best for both of us to make things right. She seemed receptive at first, but didn't respond after I sent a fairly long message. I binged Netflix all day in response, which just made me feel worse, but at least I recognized my old patterns and am doing my best to make sure I don't make the same mistake tomorrow. I really hope my message makes her feel better, but it may simply be the case that I won't be able to be a true friend to her until these feelings of love fade somewhat. Perhaps they'll never fade, which would suck, but since it's very unlikely she'll suddenly develop feelings for me, I just don't see any good solution to this other than hoping time will reduce the intensity of the feelings.
I just deleted all games off my phone about four hours ago. Feeling low about all the time and money I have wasted on a "free" game over the last two years. I am amazed at how hard it is to stay offline. I think I went two weeks once in the last two years. But I'm ready to give it a serious effort again, by checking in here daily. Been sober in AA for 8 years, and that was honestly a piece of cake compared to trying to kick this thing.
Well, I've made it 24 hours without gaming. I am hopeful and encouraged, as I have gamed every day for the last 2 years, except for one short period of two weeks when I joined Olganon about a year ago. I kept picking up my phone absentmindedly last night before remembering the apps were deleted. No great compulsion to redownload, just the habit of two years of checking the game every 30 minutes or so. going forward for another 24 four hours clean from gaming. I will check in again tomorrow.
I've gone 48 hours without gaming, two full days. I remember when I first went to AA over 8 years ago, a man introduced himself,
"My name is Charles, I am an alcoholic and I don't have to drink today," and I remember it was a revelation to hear that, because I felt like I had to drink every day right before I got sober." Now, those words are ringing true again, "My name is Matt, I'm a gaming addict and I don't have to game today." Just the feeling that I have gone two days, and I DON'T HAVE TO GAME TODAY, is an amazing feeling, because I really felt like I had to at least check in with the game many many times every day near the end. So right now I am feeling relieved by that realization. I don't have to game today. I'll check in again tomorrow.
Hi Matt, and congrats on 2 full days without gaming! The first few weeks without gaming are often the most difficult, so that's a huge step. Glad to have you here.
I was able to keep my media use low since Tuesday. I start my new job this Monday as well. I'm a bit worried about it, but overall I'm looking forward to starting. It will probably take me a few weeks to settle into the new routine, but once I do, I should also be able to figure out what I can be doing with my weekends. My hope would be to make at least a few friends out here through other shared interests rather than rely on making social connections primarily via gaming, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. In the meantime, I hope to enjoy these last few days prior to starting the job, as I know things will get a lot busier for me starting on Monday.
Had a long dream about playing the game last night. Reminds me just how deeply into my consciousness the game has lodged itself. The dream was actually pleasurable, lol, so I guess I got to do some guilt free gaming in my sleep. Thanks for the encouragement, MediaAddict, good luck with the new job, and enjoy your next few days before starting work! I went to an AA meeting last night, and that was helpful. Normally I would have stayed home to play the game, so it felt good to get out and reconnect with my AA group again. This morning, I was ready to leave for work an hour earlier than usual, and included sleeping in this morning, another of the constant reminders of how much time I was spending on my phone. Also, I've monitored some of the meetings on mumble, but I'm not totally up to speed on how they work. I guess i need a microphone and headset to speak, so so far I have just sent a text introduction. Until Tomorrow
Not much to report, just grinding away at work, trying to make up for two years of lost time. Dreamed about gaming again last night, and I am feeling a little sadness about the loss of the game, even though it was a grind at the end, and I know if I pick it up again i will lose hundreds of hours, my addict wants to remember the fun and the excitement of two years ago, when it was all fresh and new, forgetting the despair at the end.
Thanks for the well wishes, Matt. Sounds like you've been working hard, which is certainly a much better alternative than gaming.
First day of work was intense, but good. I am a little worried I may be taking on too much too quickly, but I can dial back if it seems I'm working too hard. I will certainly have a lot to learn these first few weeks, but at least the work will keep me occupied, and I'll have less free time to fill. I briefly felt stressed out at work near the end of the day, but now that I've had some time to relax, I feel a lot better. Old habits die hard, and I did briefly consider calling out my first day because I "felt sick." Fortunately it was just a fleeting thought, and it's much harder for me to fake sick now that other people are depending on me. I really want to do a good job and provide a good experience for the clients I'm working with, but at the same time don't want to go overboard and neglect my own mental health. I think these first few weeks can be a good opportunity for me to find the right balance there.
Thanks for reading, and hope you're all hanging in there.
I haven't said goodbye to any of my Alliance members in the game, I just sort of disappeared a week ago, but I'm sure they will figure it out soon enough. I feel like I should somehow turn over the password to the leadership account to someone though, as these people have invested a couple years into this alliance and i hate to leave them hanging because I have quit. I'll figure it out. I think I have offline contact info for one person and I could send it via text to them without getting back inside the game. Otherwise, not much thought of gaming, and the dreams seem to be subsiding.
I also just got back from compulsive gaming. Uninstalled a few days ago. Looking forward to get back to center and not this mind-haze i'm experiencing while gaming
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Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Welcome back, Wazzapp. It's good to see you again, and I'm glad to hear about you uninstalling the games. Matt, it sounds like you have a good plan in place to contact one of the players offline. I imagine you probably already thought about this, but you may get different reactions from the players. They may wish you all the best, but they might also try to convince you you're making a mistake. I hope for a better reaction from them, but I know I personally had pretty mixed reactions from my gaming friends.
Hard to believe it's almost Friday! This first week of work has been very busy, but I've enjoyed it quite a bit overall. The first day was without a doubt the most challenging, and though I feel tired, I definitely don't feel like I've been pushing myself beyond my limits. I suppose I also feel quite good now because one of my closer friends wants to stay friends. I was worried I had damaged the relationship beyond repair, and its a huge relief to know she was more understanding than I expected.
I havent been posting for a while but I realize checking back in daily helps tremendously. Day 58, and it feels like a neverending struggle, I seem to be spending more time questioning my decision to quit gaming, than I would probably waste on gaming itself.
I keep adding pasttime activities to my life violin playing and mountainbiking which is a lot of fun and keep me distracting but some things that interest me seem to have such a strong relation to gaming. For instance I love astronomy, but there's also a huge connection to my gaming habits, so everytime I read about the subject it brings back memories of my gaming days, and with these the cravings come. I'm wondering how long it takes to relink or rewire these images with a healthier connotation.
I often feel like I just bounce from one addiction to another. Some are definitely worse than others, so even the bouncing can be progress. In the 7 years that I didn't game, I reached a point where most of the time I was not obsessing about the game, or where my next "fix" was going to come from. It definitely felt like a more real and more joyous way to live because I was involved in actively living my life (instead of actively gaming / not-gaming and just getting by in every other respect). But life still has its ups and downs. Still, that space is worth getting back to for me.
So time? I had been living in an addicted mindset for I'm going to say 20 years and it didn't go away in a day, a week or a month. It took a few months for that kind of thinking to recede noticeable amount, maybe 2 years for the recession to complete. I really did have a feeling that I was actively engaged in my own life.
The thing about activities like violin and biking is that I know I feel good after doing these things. Purged, uplifted, or better somehow. I also get tired of doing them after a while, so they are self limiting. This is what makes a healthy activity.
Some people are food addicts, and they can't completely stop eating for any length of time. Computer games aren't like that. But the way you pursue borderline activities is very important. I played Dungeons and Dragons for a while the last time I quit computer games (7 years ago) and decided that ultimately wasn't healthy either when I was so involved in thinking about D&D that I walked right off the path I was walking on, into the literal weeds.
But I do program, I'm at a computer all day for work. I manage. I did rewire healthier connections. But I'm always vulnerable to games. I relapsed over the past few months basically because I forgot how bad it was and got the idea that maybe I was all better now and "could handle it." That has been my downfall pretty much every time. Also when life is tough it gets harder.
I wish the best for you. You just have to get through today. Every day. :-)
I am new here, and am so glad there is a resource as I've been struggling with this addiction by myself for a long time. I have quit many times, but relapsed many times. Luckily the only access i have to games is on my iPhone, and I actually have the App Store locked by my fiancee, and only she has the code to unlock. This has definitely helped, but is not fail-safe. I have been very manipulative to get her to unlock the App Store and I secretly download a game when she isn't looking, before she re-locks it. Eventually I pull it together to delete the game, and what relief! Sunday night I deleted a game I had been very addicted to, and I have zero access to games right now. I am hoping that using this forum I can work the 12 steps and find support and help.
My biggest struggle is that I find myself escaping into the non-stop 24-7 madness that it is politics, blogs, news, etc. It feels very similar to addictive behavior - i can't stop looking, can't resist clicking the next article, get very depressed/angry/anxious, treat my work and relationships worse. I think i just need to find some positive life activities to fill some of this void!
Last time i gamed was on 25th of august. I was relapsing back and forth during august. Happy to be here and not playing so i can continue my life. This is the path for me.
Lots of love <3
—
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Day 89, all good. With gaming becoming less of an issue I've started building other habits, most notably daily chores and twice a week running hopefully boosting my confidence enough to finally get working on the elephant in the room, my social anxiety.
So long.
Sven
Day 89, all good. With gaming becoming less of an issue I've started building other habits, most notably daily chores and twice a week running hopefully boosting my confidence enough to finally get working on the elephant in the room, my social anxiety.
So long.
Sven
Hi guys, it's good to read the new people who are hanging thight and and long timer OLGA members who are really committed to their recovery. Congratulations for every happy day you have, it moves me to read about your life changing experiences. For the ones who don't know me, it's been a while since i have written in english, so please induldge my typos and language mishaps. I come here to vent one in a while and have been game free for a full year.
I was game for for about a year and then met a great young woman. A few months in the relationship we decided to move in together. Great so far.
The only problem is the environment that i was and still exposed to. My girlfriend has few friends, is highly intelligent but has clearly a internet/mobile consumption problem. I try very hard not to nag her once in a while about her looking at her cellphone first thing in the morning or saying hello when I ccome back home with the thing on face.
I have never adressed this behavior to her as a problem, instead I try to be more stimulating than the content of her phone. 9gag is a though rival though. I also never tried to make her feel ashamed about her behavior when we are togheter.
Although one time a friend of mine came over for lunch and we had a nice conversation about his coming baby boy. She almost didn't acknowledge his prescence still with her phone stuck in her face, and I found the situation toward our guest to be really impolite. I talked her about this situation in particular, not in a degrading way about her own behavior, but how it could have made our guests felt like.
Moving on, my girlfriend is really great don't get me wrong, we do a lot a things together, but as with most tech saavy type of person, she is also a gamer. She doesn't play much, and only like some specific types of games.
Trying to motivate her to spend some time together I started and try to find couch multiplayer games on the playstation store so we could be both doing something she would be enjoying.
I have set a few rules for my recovery year that have done me good so far which mainly can be summarised to "no gaming alone".
Here are my rules:
-No computer games;
-No mobile games;
-Occasional multiplayer couch console games;
-Other types of games with people are ok as long as they go back in the box after the game;
So about 6 months in the realationship we started playing some little games and then I made the mistake of proposing to play Diablo 3 which we really enjoyed. We did enjoy it but it became our main entertainment. From time to time I thought that we were missing something by having this kind of relationship.
Browsing the playstation store again we played other games, and some new and old ones caught my eye. So I downloaded one and another.
Carefully, i was tearing down my own rules to let my addict brain take over again.I don't blame my girlfriend for it, but I understand that our environment has not helped my recovery. I have passed over 80 hours on an single player rpg in the last few weeks, not sleeping well and delaying tasks such has school and work.
As of today october 10 2017, I am 1 day game free, but I know what got me back here at the strating line. And what got me here is my own confidence and arrogance. The though that I was done with it, that i was better now, better than my old self. I am not better and not worse.
Many studies in modern day psychology and behavioral science tend to say that substances of things are not the ones to create the addiction, but that the brain of the person suceptible to addiction will make one so if in contact with a stimulant. weither the stimulant be drungs, alcohol, internet, sex, games, it doesn't really matter as long as it is more entertaining than the other surroundings.
I also was diagnosed last year with ADD, without hyperactivity. My physician explained to me that the mechanism an ADD brain is to be stimulated. So when something boring or known is presented, ADD brain is trying to stimulate itself with something else.
Considering this information, I can understand why nothing is stronger and more stimulating than stimulants such as drugs and games, nothing can rival against those kinds of brain stimulations.
I have been taking Concerta/Ritalin (methyphedinate) for a year and have had some results, but changing my medicacion recently for Vyvanse(amphetamines based) a few weeks back. When you chance medicactions you have to start back on lower doses, so the change in medication also coincide with my gaming relapse. The first dose/first step of Vyvanse was too weak and didn't make anything.
Although the change is for the better (I felt like a zombie back on concerta/ritalin), meaning I was really focused on a task at hand, but the building would be on fire and I would'nt notice it. Now on Vyvanse which is a stimulant, although I am only on a small 20mg dose (I was on 54mg concerta, and should have taken 72, but adverse effects were too great), I feel like I want to do stuff that matters.
When I was on concerta /ritalin, I'd have to be already doing the task that I needed to do, because when it kicked in, I was 100% commited to the ongoing taks, a little too much when it came to details. I was not that good for exams and in the work place.
But now (i feel like i am repeating myself), on the stimulant, I feel like I want to do stuff on my own. I am really repeating myself now. I don't need to already be doing the thing. I don't need to be building the pyramids before going in "full all out slave starving to death seeing brothers drop and don't care" mode. Now I want to build them on my own terms, without the wipping and suffering parts. Sorry for being graphic folks.
So 8 days since I can go for another step foward on my ADD medication which is helping alot. Although I talk and try to relate ADD and addiction, I cannot be sure they those two functions of ones brain are related. I am also not a medical or psychology professionnal. So please take all that I have to say on the subject has my own views and opinions that are somewhat biased by my own experience.
I wish everyone had beautiful and well functioning brains, but I fear that is is not the case. Knowing that, we must prepare ourselves and be ready to tame whatever demons we have inside us.
For now I have decided that my set of rules were good enough, except for this ammendment:
-Past rule - Occasional multiplayer couch console games;
-New rule - No multiplayer couch console games;
Back to board games are we? ;)
Much love.
G.
—
Facing what consumes you, is the only way to be free. -Hatebreed
So just started Vyvanse 30mg today, let's see how this goes. Started to watch videos of games on youtube instead of playing them. It's quite satisfying.
No games today.
—
Facing what consumes you, is the only way to be free. -Hatebreed
I want to count today as being Day 1 for me as I signed out last night to the website/my homepage that is. And hadn't signed into it to check messages etc. And have not signed into the Client either.
Steele, glad to hear my thoughts were helpful for you. It sounds like a very difficult position to be in to continue being around her as your teamleader, but it's good to hear about the friends and colleagues you do enjoy spending time with. I can relate in part because I have a somewhat similar situation with one of my friends I work with.
Wazzapp, I agree that the gaming cravings can be quite deceptive and play tricks on our minds. Despite knowing that gaming has mostly had negative impacts on my life, I still often have thoughts that tell me I'm wrong, that gaming isn't destructive at all, and that the best thing I can do is learn to effectively moderate my use. These thoughts seem to be generated by the cravings, as I know they aren't truly accurate, but they can easily convince me to game if I'm not careful. I hope the meetings are helpful in reducing some of the intensity of the thoughts (I know they often help reduce the intensity for me).
I had a fairly nice 4th of July. Got to speak with my family and meet up with some friends for lunch. I finish my job here July 21st, and have a nice trip planned on the 30th. However, I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do between the 22nd and the 29th. I haven't had a week of unplanned free time in quite a while, and though I do feel like I've earned it, I am a bit concerned I will experience greater cravings to game and use lots of media. I think my best option is to set aside sometime in the upcoming weeks trying to plan out a few activities to keep me occupied, but it might prove to be difficult to fill the time when my friends will have already moved, and my only other acquaintances in the area are gamers that would encourage me to game with them. I'll probably need to attend more meetings in order to keep my media use in check.
Hope you all had great holidays, and thanks again for the support!
I'll put something here later.
Hi all,
Overall, things are continuing to go well. I have a visit planned this weekend to visit some family members that will definitely keep me media free for a few days. Since I don't have many friends here who aren't gamers, it's a relief whenever I can find something to do all weekend that isn't gaming.
Hard to believe I have less than two weeks of work left here! For the most part, it seems to be drawing to a nice conclusion.
Hope you're all doing well, and thanks for reading.
I'll put something here later.
Hope I'm not posting too often, but with the weekend being quite busy, I figured I'd post again since I'm trying to find a few things to keep me occupied other than media use or gaming.
This week has been pretty good, and I am greatly looking forward to visiting my brother and his family this weekend. I haven't seen him in over half a year, so it will be a nice change. I've always been pretty close with my family, so it's been tough living in an area nowhere near any of them.
I'm starting to think more about ways I can build friendships once I move to my next job. I made the mistake of making very few friends where I currently live that aren't gamers. I don't want to make that mistake again, and even though I'm shy and quite socially anxious, I will have to make a greater effort to meet people and make at least a few non-gaming friends.
Hope everyone here has a nice weekend!
I'll put something here later.
Hi Media, there is no rule on number of posts :-) you cant post too many :-).
My spirits also go up whenever I am with family again. And later, when I then have to leave, it gives a bit of a downer. That is only normal, but in the past that was a trigger for me. It happened quite some times that I would go on a bender afterwards.
But now I am more aware of that, and I try to do sports, push myself to do something, cook, run, music, whatever :-) That usually makes me feel better again.
I am doing fine. Just that.. it is Monday, and I dont like Mondays. But who does? :-)
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Hi Steele, it sounds like you have good insight into returning from a family visit being a trigger for you. You're taking a proactive approach from how you describe it, which is great to hear. Glad that you're doing well overall, and I can relate to Mondays not being the best day of the week =P
This week is off to a pretty good start for me. I enjoyed my visit with my family overall, and have been enjoying the last two weeks at my current job. I received very positive feedback today, which felt good because I hadn't expected it (I tend to believe the quality of my work is never good enough). Even though I didn't form especially strong relationships with my colleagues, I liked almost all of them and enjoyed working with them.
The only thing giving me difficulty these days is my love for one colleague, but I'm finally accepting the situation for what it is, and doing my best to move on given she does not feel the same way. I am grateful I only need to see her a few more times before we both leave. After that, I hope to have very little contact with her because even though I've accepted the situation, it's still quite painful to be around her or comunicate with her. Maybe things will change after enough time has passed, but for now it's just problematic for both of us to have contact, even though she seems to think otherwise.
Thanks for reading and for the support (if anybody read this far, lol) and have a great week!
I'll put something here later.
Yikes, this is the first entry here since Tuesday. Hope everyone is doing okay.
It's been a bit of a tough weekend for me because of an event I'd rather not go into detail about, but I'm doing better now. I have only a few days left at work before I finish my internship and move on to my next job. I am excited about being done, but am a little concerned about what I'm going to do the week before I leave (all that free time is going to make gaming and media very tempting). I'll try my best to find things to fill the time with.
Hope everyone else had a better weekend than I did, although I'm glad it's gotten better towards the end =)
I'll put something here later.
Hi, thanks for sharing
I'm still alive and well, (and also not playing games!)
Quite active on reddit/stopgaming where i post almost everyday
Cravings are pretty much gone, but they still come occasionaly during this release period. I just need to "play the tape to the end" and see where gaming leads me, also meetings are great :)
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I dropped the ball this weekend. I played on sunday night, late at night uninstalled the game again. Yesterday after work downloaded it again and played again.
Actually, I started to lean into a relapse before sunday already, and I felt it coming and did not stop it at all. I have been in low spirits now for quite some time. Last week it came to another low, the date of my work evaluation with my new boss was coming near, and I was feeling completely angry, sad and disillusioned with the situation. On Wednesday I decided that I would not go to work on Thursday, and I did not go. I was fed up. Actually, on Wednesday night my body protested as well, I got a migrane (saw blurry in part of my vision) and afterwards all day long a headache. I had not had that type of thing since years anymore. I used the migrane as an excuse for not going to work, although I had already decided before that I would not go. Anyway.. On Thursday I practically slept untill 2 in the afternoon. Aparently I did need some rest.
But well.. I stopped doing sports, I isolated again. This weekend it went overboard. First I started watching movies about that new incarnation of my favourate game, then started to read guides, then downloaded and played. And it was boring as hell, but I played anyway, I wanted to numb out, not think. But also, I did not stop when it was time to go to bed. So Monday night I slept 4 hours, yesterday night 5. Immediately the same old same old.
But I know why it is happening. On Monday had my evaluation talk with my new boss. I had made a summary in the report stating explicitly how bad our relationship had been at work during the last 3 years: "3 years of continous ignoring, exclusion and hostility, every day. That it had affected me greatly, that it got so bad that I wanted to leave work because of it. And that now finally the attitude and treatment was getting better after I had had to included superiors." I was tense before the meeting, because I knew she would not like this "black mirror". In the meeting I saw that she was tense too, but she kept her cool. She started to talk like it was a normal evaluation. She said she found it OK that I had included that personal part in the review and that she did not oppose it. She did not coment on it further, said nothing personal about it, she kept it cold and kept her distance.
It was cold and without emotion. I had feared that she would get angry. These last months she changed her behaviour, not showing hostility openly anymore. I feared that my honesty could cause a deterioration to earlier hostility in our relationship, and I did not want that. At the same time I felt that I had to include "our history" in the report to protect myself for the future. Who will have my back? My new supervisor? I think not.
But it turned out to be a very cold and business like talk. A good talk also, on work, on goals for the next period.
But I felt completely empty afterwards. Disillusioned. She continues to shut me out, and it will not change. She does not express any care or consideration, nothing. Just cold. She stays in her fortress, the only thing that has changed is that she looks at me from the fortress walls with "normal eyes" instead of "angry eyes". And I feel empty and dont understand why it is necessary to be so cold.
I always was sure that I liked her, that in the core she was a nice person. Now I dont know anymore.
I had 290+ days game free, which is great. That was impossible a couple of years back.
Now the counter is back at day 1, but it is not day 1 of my recovery.
Plan is now: less being lazy and entertained on the couch (facebook, series, youtube, news-sites), more active myself in filling time. This can be writing (such as here), sports, building stuff, out door activities, reading, seaching for stuff to buy. The important thing being that I take control and that I choose what I do, instead of being "entertained" in an easy way and clicking on the first thing that comes along.
This morning I had to drag myself to work, no motivation at all. But I went. After work I did not want to go home and put me in a dangerous situation, so I went to the beach, ran for an hour and did a half hour workout afterwards. Feel a lot better now.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Thanks for sharing Steel, great that you keep coming back and keep posting. I've been having some strong urges aswell, your story made me realize that it is actually just boring to game, furthermore it is compulsive for me and i cannot enjoy and move forward in my life. Everything would litteraly come to an halt if i spent time gaming. I know how i work. Despite all this im still haveing strong urges today.
Thanks for letting me share, i will try to not game today.
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hi Steele and Wazzapp, glad to see you are both still here =) I definitely wish you guys all the best and I relate to how hard it can be to stay gaming free.
I finished my job and am officially a PhD now. It's been a long struggle, and it still hasn't hit home yet that I've finished my degree. I guess it might take a while. In any case, I feel quite relieved I'll never have to see the colleague again I've mentioned before. Part of me misses her and wishes we could have been in a relationship, but for the most part I know that even if that had happened, it's very unlikely a relationship would have worked out. As such, the best I can do is try to forget about her, focus on the present, and try my best to enjoy the many positive aspects of life rather than dwell on all the problems of humanity.
This week is going to be enjoyable, but challenging. I have very little work to do aside from packing and moving out, which means I'll have more free time than I've had in a while. Free time is a huge trigger for me, so I'll do my best to limit my media use to the extent I can. I'll also try to schedule my time each day to engage in various activities that can fill the time in ways I'll enjoy myself more than I would if I played games or sat around all day watching Netflix.
Thanks for reading, and hope you all have a good weekend/week!
I'll put something here later.
Hello again all. its been a while, good to see usernames i recognize still posting in this thread.
so today is a weird day. for reasons i wont get into, i left this website after over a month of no gaming, and started gaming again with a clear conscience. fast forward to today, and im back here.
might post more later, but right now still processing feelings, thoughts, etc.
10/3
CONGRATULATIONS MEDIAADDICT ON YOUR PHD :))))))
Gaming used to be my "safe-space" but now this place is my safe-space where i can share my thoughts and feelings.
I have been having some serious urges lately, dreamt about relapsing etc. It is a huge deal, i still live a productive life, but i know that if i relapse sh*t probably hits the fan.
Long time since NA meeting, is probably a big factor in this urges. I have not been going in ~3 months.
I need to go there.
Dballz, happy to see you posting again, welcome back :))
Love you both <3
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Thanks Wazzapp, I greatly appreciate it! It's been very helpful to read your posts and know there are others out there working on living a life without games. It's also good that you have insight into the increase in cravings and are taking actions to help reduce them.
Dballz, it's good to see you again, and welcome back! No question that it can be very hard to avoid gaming.
I had a nice weekend, and it went much better than expected. I was worried I'd lose control of my media use again, but so far I've been following the moderations I set for myself quite effectively. This upcoming week should be nice so long as I can continue to keep my media use low and avoid gaming. I'm already thinking less about the colleague I mentioned, and I think its true that with time, so long as I avoid contact with her, the thoughts will eventually continue to decrease.
Hope you all have a great week, and thanks for reading!
I'll put something here later.
That is some awesome news Media :-) Congratulations on that!
This weekend I was at a festival with friends. Was really nice to share that. Very nice..
Trying to do some more sports. I notice that it helps me enormously to get anxiety out of my system, and it helps me to sleep well. Not much more to say right now.
Welcome back Dballz. Nice to hear from all you guys.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
I've spent the last couple days bunkered down in my room playing a certain game. It's been really fun for me. But I can't game 24/7, so when I'm away I wonder what's the point?
I know that sounds really weird so let me explain. I'm aware I most likely have a game problem. But I'm not sure what I'm living for in general. In my past posts on here, I mentioned how I was in a sexual addiction group as well, and I'm struggling with that as well. That and video games are my two most difficult obstacles to come to terms with and remove.
I feel like the problem is, like I mentioned before, is I don't see a point. Even when i have days where I'm clean from both, and it allows me "think clearly", i don't have any goals for my life. No real drive. Even the goals that sound like they could be fun, there is no desire to persue them. So yeah. I think that's called depression... I'm not sure.
Anyways. Just wanted to post on here. Thanks for the welcome back all.
10/3
Thanks Steele! I'm glad you had what sounds like a very enioyable weekend.
Dballz, sorry to hear about your struggles. I can definitely relate, as media/gaming have led me to feel very depressed at various points in my life, and I felt like nothing mattered to me anymore besides the next game to escape from reality. I also had no desire to do anything besides game or watch media. It sounds like you are feeling somewhat similarly. I wish I could do more to help, but I do know that for myself, gaming and media were preventing me from enjoying any other aspect of my life. If you also suffer from depression, I think you can also find tools or medication that can help reduce the depression, which will in turn allow you to feel more motivated to explore other options in life that can give you that sense of meaning and pleasure.
I've been having a very good week overall. I'm trying to enjoy the time i have left here before I move, and so far, I've been doing better than I expected in doing the things I wanted to do while also keeping my media use low. I'm hoping I can continue this much lower media use when I move, as it definitely seems to improve the quality of my life. I'm also trying to stay engaged in recovery in order to cope with triggers and other difficulties when they arise effectively.
Thanks for reading, and all the best to you guys!
I'll put something here later.
Yesterday I hade the most serious relapse-thoughts i ever had in the past months. I'm scared. I'm not sure what to do. I need to get to a support Group meeting but I have work whole day today. I'll try to join the cgaa mumble tonight
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I tried to play again, after 399 days of not gaming
I thought i finally could play "a little", i thought "i could perhaps hang out and play with some old friends over skype", and also "the game had become free to play so i didnt even have to buy it". All "great" reasons to start gaming. After 399 days i "should be able to moderate".
Yesterday, after the decision to game i raced to the store to buy a mouse to my computer. Usually i just use touchpad, but i cant game with a touchpad obviously. I exceeded the speed-limit and came to a store 3 mins before they closed. played for a couple of hours during the evening.
This morning i continued playing. I enabled an APM counter because i needed to increase my skill.
My girlfriend made me pancakes for breakfast, but i did not eat with her. Actually i did not eat breakfast at all. I just gamed. That's when it suddenly hit me;
I actually cannot moderate, i actually cannot play at all.
Uninstalled. Smashed the mouse with a big rock into a million pieces.
Now im here with another experience from compulsive gaming.
Thanks for reading
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
I'm sorry to hear about your lapse Wazzapp (I refer to it as a lapse rather than a relapse because you caught it quickly and were able to stop gaming after two days). 399 days without gaming is a huge success, and 2 days of gaming does not undo all the progress you've been making. In my opinion, you deserve a lot of credit for getting back on track nearly immediately. All the best to you.
I just left the midwest yesterday and am on my way to a vacation with my family. The trip has been quite nice, and thanks to audiobooks, the drives go much more quickly. I am looking forward to seeing my family and the vacation, and know I won't have to worry much about gaming that time since I'll have plenty of activities to keep me busy. When the vacation ends, I plan to spend time planning out the weeks before I start my next job, as temptations will continue to increase during times I have unplanned free time. I will also need to make greater efforts to form friendships with people that aren't gamers.
Thanks for reading, and hope you all have a nice week!
I'll put something here later.
So many things to relate to now, reading these last 5 posts.
Dballz, that subject of "motivation" and what to do and not having goals.. that sounds SO familiar. At the same time, my impression is that this is also quite universal to some degree. (not to say that it is unimportant at all) I have been quite.. down these last weeks. I now have 2 short relapses on my list. One of 2 days, and now this weekend one of 4 days. I did not have fun at all playing my game, but I guess I just wanted to "not think".
On thursday I had taken the day off for working on a project, but in the afternoon installed my old game again. And once I started playing, I started to feel more disconnected. As the hours passed my mind becomes in a freeze, not being able to think straight, and the only think I feel that I "can" do is game. I feel worse about myself for doing it, and somehow that draws me more in. Gamed untill 7 in the morning when the alarm went off for going to work on friday. I did not go ofcourse.. Bleh.. so quickly the old dynamic is back.
These last days been trying to make gaming fun again, with different maps, different whatevers.. but the magic that I am looking for is gone. No fun.
Weeks ago I bought a ticket for a festival this past weekend. I said to my friends that I was sick, and did not go. So dumb. But that is what happens when I game. Same old, same old. I preferred being isolated and feeling bad at the same time, with a game that I do not enjoy. When I dont game for a second, I feel so alone, left alone, and I want to game more. Bleh.. no logic to it, at all. But that is how it is when I game.
It is depressing me a lot, the gaming, and at the same time drawn to it. Crazy. What I need most when I am like that is people, talking and connecting, and what I do is isolate more. The complete opposite.
Back to the motivation thing: It is clear to me that, although I do have self esteem, I really very much look for and need it from outside people. Too much. Also, what I did and do has always been very much guided by whatever was just happening. People decide, and I always thought that to be easy going was a good thing, I just go with the flow. But at the same time this is not taking responsability, and also in that way avoiding responsability when things dont work out. I think it became a bit of a way of life, and gaming just fits perfectly in that lifestye. Not sure, but somewhere in these words there is a lot of truth (for me).
I need to learn how to decide for me. And that it is OK whatever I choose.
I had almost 300 days without gaming, reminds me of you Wazzapp. The day counter is back to day 1, but recovery is advancing. I really think so. I now understand much more the insanity of gaming, and how it pushes me away from what I actually need: connection with people. And the grip gaming has on me is strong, but also much less than it was before. These two relapses are reminders that I need to continue to work on myself and think differently about some stuff that keeps on bugging me.. It will make me better. Somehow.
Thanks for letting me share.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Weekends are troublesome again. Tried an old game from 18 years ago in search of "fun". Nothing there but same old same old. But weekend flew by and left me feeling empty.
I need some more drastic changes in life. In particular work towards more social interaction, more contacts. Exactly the contrary to the isolation which addiction brings me.
Left computer in the office at work for now. When I am at home at night dont want to have that "easy entertainment" device there anymore.
Need to find out what I want to do with my life, less distractions.
Aiming for doing sports 3+ days a week. Helps lift my spirits.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Hi all,
Steele, sounds like you're working on some good goals. I'm trying to do the same. I just arrived in a new small town for my new job, and have a lot of work to do over the next two weeks prior to starting my job. Knowing my job will soon start, I really want to do a good job and make sure I'm keeping a proper balance in my life. I know I need to make some friends in the area, keep up with exercise, maintain contact with family/old friends, find other activities to do on weekends, and continue learning new things that interest me (while keeping track of the stuff I want to remember). Obviously, I also need to spend time on my recovery too.
My hope over the next few weeks is to keep my media use between 2-4 hours per day, and switch to 2 hours per day on workdays. So far, this goal has been greatly improving my life, so I'd really like to continue to adhere to it. If there are certain types of media I can't control, such as Netflix or Youtube, I plan to stop using those media sources entirely.
Have any of you had success in moderating your media use? I know gaming is out of the question for some of us, but since it seems impossible to remove ALL media use from our lives, I'm curious if others are able to moderate their media use effectively.
All the best to you all, and thanks for reading.
I'll put something here later.
Hope everyone is doing okay. I guess I'll post again and hope at least someone ends up reading this, but even if they don't, it's still beneficial for me to write it for myself too =)
Things have been good over the past few days. Thus far, I've been successful in the limits I set myself, which I'm quite happy about. I would like to see if I can reduce it to 3 hours a day as an experiment. I did it yesterday and it went fine, with the day being no better or worse than the others so far. Two of my colleagues also talked to me about making plans, so it's good to know I should be able to build at least some nearby social support.
I noticed today I still frequently have the thought "I don't deserve that/it" whenever someone says something positive about me. I just think about all of my bad attributes, and while I can recognize I'm engaging in a cognitive distortion (negating the positive), it's still hard for me to accept the alternative thought that the person making the positive comment may see me more accurately than I do. Oh well, it's still progress that I can recognize my distortion isn't accurate.
I look forward to hearing from you all soon, and hope you've all been doing a bit better.
I'll put something here later.
Hi all
Strange.. it really feels like the gaming is not doing it for me anymore. I have been wanting to game and escape, but it feels empty.
I had a good weekend with friends. Went to a nice festival, good music, very intimite, nice. But I am not doing so ok really. For example, all weekend situation with colleague keeps creeping into my mind. I am more quiet, not talking so much, low mood. Today at work difficulty getting work done, I am distracted, feeling alone and left alone. Which is ofcourse mostly just in my head, but it is very present none the less, and it feels like it is s-ucking so much of live's joy out of me. I isolate, I left the table at noon when we were eating with my colleague friends to walk alone, want to be alone. I feel a bit lost with it. Tired of it. Not comfortable in my own skin.
It also feels like addiciton. I know I should stop thinking about it, I know I should just let go, but it is not working. And it is causing a lot of discomfort.
I talk to a psychologist, but have the feeling it is not really going anywhere. Talking and talking, but it feels stuck anyway. I want to leave work, but at the same time suspect that I will run into this problem again anyway in some other form.
And then there is this ever present feeling in the back of my head of "missed potential", that I should do more, that I should do something important with my life. But I have no clue as to what. And the days are ticking away.
Crisis.
I want to talk about it, talk with people about it. But talking is always with the implicit intent of solving something, of getting to some resolution or some closure. And that is just not happening here. It is just a big mess that is not resolved. I find it very very very frustrating.
"I want to see people and I want to see life."
Hi all,
Steele, I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I've been there before too, and I still have huge plans in the back of my mind that I'm afraid I'll never accomplish. One thing that's been helpful is for me to be focusing more on making small changes that could do good for others. After all, even making life better for a single person (or other animal) means you're making the world a slightly better place. Perhaps you might be able to talk with your psychologist a bit more about exploring some of the the things that might help give you that sense of accomplishment. In any case, I hope things start improving soon.
This week was going well for me until today. I contacted my friend I'm still in love with, convinced it would be best for both of us to make things right. She seemed receptive at first, but didn't respond after I sent a fairly long message. I binged Netflix all day in response, which just made me feel worse, but at least I recognized my old patterns and am doing my best to make sure I don't make the same mistake tomorrow. I really hope my message makes her feel better, but it may simply be the case that I won't be able to be a true friend to her until these feelings of love fade somewhat. Perhaps they'll never fade, which would suck, but since it's very unlikely she'll suddenly develop feelings for me, I just don't see any good solution to this other than hoping time will reduce the intensity of the feelings.
Thanks for reading, and all the best to you guys.
I'll put something here later.
I just deleted all games off my phone about four hours ago. Feeling low about all the time and money I have wasted on a "free" game over the last two years. I am amazed at how hard it is to stay offline. I think I went two weeks once in the last two years. But I'm ready to give it a serious effort again, by checking in here daily. Been sober in AA for 8 years, and that was honestly a piece of cake compared to trying to kick this thing.
Well, I've made it 24 hours without gaming. I am hopeful and encouraged, as I have gamed every day for the last 2 years, except for one short period of two weeks when I joined Olganon about a year ago. I kept picking up my phone absentmindedly last night before remembering the apps were deleted. No great compulsion to redownload, just the habit of two years of checking the game every 30 minutes or so. going forward for another 24 four hours clean from gaming. I will check in again tomorrow.
I've gone 48 hours without gaming, two full days. I remember when I first went to AA over 8 years ago, a man introduced himself,
"My name is Charles, I am an alcoholic and I don't have to drink today," and I remember it was a revelation to hear that, because I felt like I had to drink every day right before I got sober." Now, those words are ringing true again, "My name is Matt, I'm a gaming addict and I don't have to game today." Just the feeling that I have gone two days, and I DON'T HAVE TO GAME TODAY, is an amazing feeling, because I really felt like I had to at least check in with the game many many times every day near the end. So right now I am feeling relieved by that realization. I don't have to game today. I'll check in again tomorrow.
Hi Matt, and congrats on 2 full days without gaming! The first few weeks without gaming are often the most difficult, so that's a huge step. Glad to have you here.
I was able to keep my media use low since Tuesday. I start my new job this Monday as well. I'm a bit worried about it, but overall I'm looking forward to starting. It will probably take me a few weeks to settle into the new routine, but once I do, I should also be able to figure out what I can be doing with my weekends. My hope would be to make at least a few friends out here through other shared interests rather than rely on making social connections primarily via gaming, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. In the meantime, I hope to enjoy these last few days prior to starting the job, as I know things will get a lot busier for me starting on Monday.
Take care everyone, and thanks for reading.
I'll put something here later.
Had a long dream about playing the game last night. Reminds me just how deeply into my consciousness the game has lodged itself. The dream was actually pleasurable, lol, so I guess I got to do some guilt free gaming in my sleep. Thanks for the encouragement, MediaAddict, good luck with the new job, and enjoy your next few days before starting work! I went to an AA meeting last night, and that was helpful. Normally I would have stayed home to play the game, so it felt good to get out and reconnect with my AA group again. This morning, I was ready to leave for work an hour earlier than usual, and included sleeping in this morning, another of the constant reminders of how much time I was spending on my phone. Also, I've monitored some of the meetings on mumble, but I'm not totally up to speed on how they work. I guess i need a microphone and headset to speak, so so far I have just sent a text introduction. Until Tomorrow
Not much to report, just grinding away at work, trying to make up for two years of lost time. Dreamed about gaming again last night, and I am feeling a little sadness about the loss of the game, even though it was a grind at the end, and I know if I pick it up again i will lose hundreds of hours, my addict wants to remember the fun and the excitement of two years ago, when it was all fresh and new, forgetting the despair at the end.
Thanks for the well wishes, Matt. Sounds like you've been working hard, which is certainly a much better alternative than gaming.
First day of work was intense, but good. I am a little worried I may be taking on too much too quickly, but I can dial back if it seems I'm working too hard. I will certainly have a lot to learn these first few weeks, but at least the work will keep me occupied, and I'll have less free time to fill. I briefly felt stressed out at work near the end of the day, but now that I've had some time to relax, I feel a lot better. Old habits die hard, and I did briefly consider calling out my first day because I "felt sick." Fortunately it was just a fleeting thought, and it's much harder for me to fake sick now that other people are depending on me. I really want to do a good job and provide a good experience for the clients I'm working with, but at the same time don't want to go overboard and neglect my own mental health. I think these first few weeks can be a good opportunity for me to find the right balance there.
Thanks for reading, and hope you're all hanging in there.
I'll put something here later.
I haven't said goodbye to any of my Alliance members in the game, I just sort of disappeared a week ago, but I'm sure they will figure it out soon enough. I feel like I should somehow turn over the password to the leadership account to someone though, as these people have invested a couple years into this alliance and i hate to leave them hanging because I have quit. I'll figure it out. I think I have offline contact info for one person and I could send it via text to them without getting back inside the game. Otherwise, not much thought of gaming, and the dreams seem to be subsiding.
Thanks for sharing!
I also just got back from compulsive gaming. Uninstalled a few days ago. Looking forward to get back to center and not this mind-haze i'm experiencing while gaming
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Welcome back, Wazzapp. It's good to see you again, and I'm glad to hear about you uninstalling the games. Matt, it sounds like you have a good plan in place to contact one of the players offline. I imagine you probably already thought about this, but you may get different reactions from the players. They may wish you all the best, but they might also try to convince you you're making a mistake. I hope for a better reaction from them, but I know I personally had pretty mixed reactions from my gaming friends.
Hard to believe it's almost Friday! This first week of work has been very busy, but I've enjoyed it quite a bit overall. The first day was without a doubt the most challenging, and though I feel tired, I definitely don't feel like I've been pushing myself beyond my limits. I suppose I also feel quite good now because one of my closer friends wants to stay friends. I was worried I had damaged the relationship beyond repair, and its a huge relief to know she was more understanding than I expected.
Thanks for reading, and all the best to you all!
I'll put something here later.
I havent been posting for a while but I realize checking back in daily helps tremendously. Day 58, and it feels like a neverending struggle, I seem to be spending more time questioning my decision to quit gaming, than I would probably waste on gaming itself.
I keep adding pasttime activities to my life violin playing and mountainbiking which is a lot of fun and keep me distracting but some things that interest me seem to have such a strong relation to gaming. For instance I love astronomy, but there's also a huge connection to my gaming habits, so everytime I read about the subject it brings back memories of my gaming days, and with these the cravings come. I'm wondering how long it takes to relink or rewire these images with a healthier connotation.
Take care.
Hey Sven,
Congrats on day 58!
I often feel like I just bounce from one addiction to another. Some are definitely worse than others, so even the bouncing can be progress. In the 7 years that I didn't game, I reached a point where most of the time I was not obsessing about the game, or where my next "fix" was going to come from. It definitely felt like a more real and more joyous way to live because I was involved in actively living my life (instead of actively gaming / not-gaming and just getting by in every other respect). But life still has its ups and downs. Still, that space is worth getting back to for me.
So time? I had been living in an addicted mindset for I'm going to say 20 years and it didn't go away in a day, a week or a month. It took a few months for that kind of thinking to recede noticeable amount, maybe 2 years for the recession to complete. I really did have a feeling that I was actively engaged in my own life.
The thing about activities like violin and biking is that I know I feel good after doing these things. Purged, uplifted, or better somehow. I also get tired of doing them after a while, so they are self limiting. This is what makes a healthy activity.
Some people are food addicts, and they can't completely stop eating for any length of time. Computer games aren't like that. But the way you pursue borderline activities is very important. I played Dungeons and Dragons for a while the last time I quit computer games (7 years ago) and decided that ultimately wasn't healthy either when I was so involved in thinking about D&D that I walked right off the path I was walking on, into the literal weeds.
But I do program, I'm at a computer all day for work. I manage. I did rewire healthier connections. But I'm always vulnerable to games. I relapsed over the past few months basically because I forgot how bad it was and got the idea that maybe I was all better now and "could handle it." That has been my downfall pretty much every time. Also when life is tough it gets harder.
I wish the best for you. You just have to get through today. Every day. :-)
Hi,
I am new here, and am so glad there is a resource as I've been struggling with this addiction by myself for a long time. I have quit many times, but relapsed many times. Luckily the only access i have to games is on my iPhone, and I actually have the App Store locked by my fiancee, and only she has the code to unlock. This has definitely helped, but is not fail-safe. I have been very manipulative to get her to unlock the App Store and I secretly download a game when she isn't looking, before she re-locks it. Eventually I pull it together to delete the game, and what relief! Sunday night I deleted a game I had been very addicted to, and I have zero access to games right now. I am hoping that using this forum I can work the 12 steps and find support and help.
My biggest struggle is that I find myself escaping into the non-stop 24-7 madness that it is politics, blogs, news, etc. It feels very similar to addictive behavior - i can't stop looking, can't resist clicking the next article, get very depressed/angry/anxious, treat my work and relationships worse. I think i just need to find some positive life activities to fill some of this void!
So.. Day 3!
Justin
Justin
According to HabitHub it's day 78 today. It's been gradually getting better over the last couple of weeks and I guess I'm passed the worst cravings.
Take care.
Hello peeps!
Thanks for sharing, all of you
Last time i gamed was on 25th of august. I was relapsing back and forth during august. Happy to be here and not playing so i can continue my life. This is the path for me.
Lots of love <3
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
Hello
Nice to not be playing games one more day. Happy to be here. I have hope for the future, and see great things coming my way,
Best wishes to u
Never alone, go to meetings <3 Mumble voice meetings on cgaa are great, see you there <3
26 Days, one day at a time.
Justin
Justin
Day 89, all good. With gaming becoming less of an issue I've started building other habits, most notably daily chores and twice a week running hopefully boosting my confidence enough to finally get working on the elephant in the room, my social anxiety.
So long.
Sven
Day 89, all good. With gaming becoming less of an issue I've started building other habits, most notably daily chores and twice a week running hopefully boosting my confidence enough to finally get working on the elephant in the room, my social anxiety.
So long.
Sven
Hi guys, it's good to read the new people who are hanging thight and and long timer OLGA members who are really committed to their recovery. Congratulations for every happy day you have, it moves me to read about your life changing experiences. For the ones who don't know me, it's been a while since i have written in english, so please induldge my typos and language mishaps. I come here to vent one in a while and have been game free for a full year.
I was game for for about a year and then met a great young woman. A few months in the relationship we decided to move in together. Great so far.
The only problem is the environment that i was and still exposed to. My girlfriend has few friends, is highly intelligent but has clearly a internet/mobile consumption problem. I try very hard not to nag her once in a while about her looking at her cellphone first thing in the morning or saying hello when I ccome back home with the thing on face.
I have never adressed this behavior to her as a problem, instead I try to be more stimulating than the content of her phone. 9gag is a though rival though. I also never tried to make her feel ashamed about her behavior when we are togheter.
Although one time a friend of mine came over for lunch and we had a nice conversation about his coming baby boy. She almost didn't acknowledge his prescence still with her phone stuck in her face, and I found the situation toward our guest to be really impolite. I talked her about this situation in particular, not in a degrading way about her own behavior, but how it could have made our guests felt like.
Moving on, my girlfriend is really great don't get me wrong, we do a lot a things together, but as with most tech saavy type of person, she is also a gamer. She doesn't play much, and only like some specific types of games.
Trying to motivate her to spend some time together I started and try to find couch multiplayer games on the playstation store so we could be both doing something she would be enjoying.
I have set a few rules for my recovery year that have done me good so far which mainly can be summarised to "no gaming alone".
Here are my rules:
-No computer games;
-No mobile games;
-Occasional multiplayer couch console games;
-Other types of games with people are ok as long as they go back in the box after the game;
So about 6 months in the realationship we started playing some little games and then I made the mistake of proposing to play Diablo 3 which we really enjoyed. We did enjoy it but it became our main entertainment. From time to time I thought that we were missing something by having this kind of relationship.
Browsing the playstation store again we played other games, and some new and old ones caught my eye. So I downloaded one and another.
Carefully, i was tearing down my own rules to let my addict brain take over again.I don't blame my girlfriend for it, but I understand that our environment has not helped my recovery. I have passed over 80 hours on an single player rpg in the last few weeks, not sleeping well and delaying tasks such has school and work.
As of today october 10 2017, I am 1 day game free, but I know what got me back here at the strating line. And what got me here is my own confidence and arrogance. The though that I was done with it, that i was better now, better than my old self. I am not better and not worse.
Many studies in modern day psychology and behavioral science tend to say that substances of things are not the ones to create the addiction, but that the brain of the person suceptible to addiction will make one so if in contact with a stimulant. weither the stimulant be drungs, alcohol, internet, sex, games, it doesn't really matter as long as it is more entertaining than the other surroundings.
I also was diagnosed last year with ADD, without hyperactivity. My physician explained to me that the mechanism an ADD brain is to be stimulated. So when something boring or known is presented, ADD brain is trying to stimulate itself with something else.
Considering this information, I can understand why nothing is stronger and more stimulating than stimulants such as drugs and games, nothing can rival against those kinds of brain stimulations.
I have been taking Concerta/Ritalin (methyphedinate) for a year and have had some results, but changing my medicacion recently for Vyvanse(amphetamines based) a few weeks back. When you chance medicactions you have to start back on lower doses, so the change in medication also coincide with my gaming relapse. The first dose/first step of Vyvanse was too weak and didn't make anything.
Although the change is for the better (I felt like a zombie back on concerta/ritalin), meaning I was really focused on a task at hand, but the building would be on fire and I would'nt notice it. Now on Vyvanse which is a stimulant, although I am only on a small 20mg dose (I was on 54mg concerta, and should have taken 72, but adverse effects were too great), I feel like I want to do stuff that matters.
When I was on concerta /ritalin, I'd have to be already doing the task that I needed to do, because when it kicked in, I was 100% commited to the ongoing taks, a little too much when it came to details. I was not that good for exams and in the work place.
But now (i feel like i am repeating myself), on the stimulant, I feel like I want to do stuff on my own. I am really repeating myself now. I don't need to already be doing the thing. I don't need to be building the pyramids before going in "full all out slave starving to death seeing brothers drop and don't care" mode. Now I want to build them on my own terms, without the wipping and suffering parts. Sorry for being graphic folks.
So 8 days since I can go for another step foward on my ADD medication which is helping alot. Although I talk and try to relate ADD and addiction, I cannot be sure they those two functions of ones brain are related. I am also not a medical or psychology professionnal. So please take all that I have to say on the subject has my own views and opinions that are somewhat biased by my own experience.
I wish everyone had beautiful and well functioning brains, but I fear that is is not the case. Knowing that, we must prepare ourselves and be ready to tame whatever demons we have inside us.
For now I have decided that my set of rules were good enough, except for this ammendment:
-Past rule - Occasional multiplayer couch console games;
-New rule - No multiplayer couch console games;
Back to board games are we? ;)
Much love.
G.
Facing what consumes you, is the only way to be free. -Hatebreed
Day 5, I wish I wouldn't hear the songs associated with the last game I played all the time. It doesn't make it any easier.
Facing what consumes you, is the only way to be free. -Hatebreed
It's hard today, i feel kind of hyped and want to pass time with something interactive.
I'll just go do the dishes and take the recycling out I guess.
No games today.
Facing what consumes you, is the only way to be free. -Hatebreed
So just started Vyvanse 30mg today, let's see how this goes. Started to watch videos of games on youtube instead of playing them. It's quite satisfying.
No games today.
Facing what consumes you, is the only way to be free. -Hatebreed
So caught up in everything at school and work, I feel good the way things are.
Many thanks to Polga gor letting me know that watching videos of games could be as much harm as playing them.
No games today.
Facing what consumes you, is the only way to be free. -Hatebreed
I want to count today as being Day 1 for me as I signed out last night to the website/my homepage that is. And hadn't signed into it to check messages etc. And have not signed into the Client either.
IMVU; my vice, my addiction.