Don't give up before the miracle happens

Hi I’m Lisa and a video game addict. I just passed my 1 year game free date. I don’t battle with desires to game or think a lot about gaming. That to me is miraculous – not so much that I haven’t played one in a year but that I am free from that desire/nonstop mental urge. Some reading this may think I wasn’t as big a gamer/didn’t have as big a problem. Quite the opposite. I not only had a problem, I had a serious addiction which controlled over 50% of my every single day for years. I gave up real life friends, I picked gaming over my now ex bf of 10 years, I spent thousands and thousands of dollars and hours on an alienware gaming pc/gaming laptop/steam games/mmo subscriptions/spending real money to get ingame emp/items. My life the last 3-5 years before stopping, I spent the majority of it alone in one small 14x16 room in front of the pc with my headset on.
I knew I needed to stop gaming. I actually thought I was “choosing” to game. Looking back, no sane person would choose to spend years alone in one small room. I remember the horrible internal mental struggle whenever I was not gaming – the nonstop beating myself up, the feelings that I’d never feel good, that everything was overwhelming, the total absence of any real hope, guilt, shame, remorse, trying “get my sh** together” and then failing again, feeling useless, at times wishing to die, anxiety, fear, depression, anger at myself and the world. Gaming was the only thing I found any enjoyment in so no wonder I struggled in giving it up. In my mind, my problem wasn’t gaming, my problem was life and this horrendous mental struggle and gaming was my solution to it. Like any other addiction though, my gaming addiction was progressive, meaning it got worse and worse and worse, and my “problems” that I thought gaming was my solution to also got worse and worse and worse. At the end, I no longer even cared – about anything. I didn’t want to care. It was like being on a freight train unable to get off and being helpless over the ultimate destination it was roaring towards. Scary, but let me game and I don’t have to think about it.
At some point during my years of gaming addiction, I might have been able to stop by substituting other activities or getting therapy or finding another addiction, and actually did those things. But they didn’t last and my addiction progressed each time I decided to game again. How did I somehow miraculously get teleported to today where I am game free for over a year, have some degree of peace of mind, gratitude, self-respect, hope? I found this fellowship and began going to meetings and working a 12 step program. I realized and accepted that I could not pull out of this addiction alone – no amount of discipline, therapy, drugs, hobbies would fix this – this meaning the ability to live life without games and feel ok. That’s all I wanted and needed – the ability to be happy and live life like I saw others able to do without gaming. I read the step 9 promises which are here http://silkworth.net/aa/promises.html. My goal was not to just not game but to be able to have those promises. Why? Because without those promises, life was gray, and I’d rather game than have to live in that gray life, even if it was destroying me. I still go to meetings and work the steps – why? Because it’s my medicine for my addiction/mental disease. So simple yet not always easy – if I take my medicine, I stay not only game free but feel good and accomplish a lot of things in life – if I don’t take it, life begins to become “boring” and we know where that leads – back to either gaming or some other addiction.
So, for those here who are still struggling and who haven’t been able to break free from this through any amount of self-help or therapy, there is hope – there is a solution. If it worked for me, it can work for any gaming addict. Hope to see you in one of the meetings.
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