That's something someone said to me in chat the other day. It's in regards to being abstintent for a while but never truly achieving Step#1 - so it waits in the shadows.
That won't leave my brain. I'm having trouble with Step1. Regardless of my time here, my previous posts, I can admit that much. I'm not the same person I was 4 years ago but I think with that comes some more self awareness, perhaps it's not as easy to "lie" to myself as it was back then. So here I am, when I should be asleep and am unable to.
I've given myself 60 days of no games/tv watching escapism. Along with that, I'm trying to control my mind from escaping into fantasies in general. As I'm driving and listening to music for instance, rather than fantasize about delusions of grandiuer, I've realized that's feeding that same part of my brain that desires to be fed with games.
However, I haven't admitted I'm an addict. I don't know why. I'm here. I've gamed all my life. My story is not as dramatic as some on here, but there's plenty of anecdotal evidence of binging and excess and some consequences in my life that I could list off that I'm sure none of you would have trouble seeing the signs. Lately my gaming has simply monopolized my free time. It hasn't affected my work or schooling dramatically but that isn't the point. When I have other personal projects in mind, when I have other things I'd like to do other than school and work, all I'm ever doing is gaming. This is in sacrifice of a social life and anything else. To me, that's excessive enough.
So I want to go 60 days (a bit more than the rest of this semester) as almost like a personal experiment. I want to prove to myself "I can control it".
But then I hear that person's advice. "The addict can wait" - and my theory and experiment suddenly make me afraid.
So many of you speak of "the addict" like it's some other entity inside your mind. You admit you have no control. That is a very hard thing for me to admit...because I can't imagine not having control of any aspect of my own mind except for my emotions, which in that regard I still believe we can control them, it just takes practice and sometimes therapy.
Perhaps that's all "the addict" is? Just some animalistic beast that feeds on emotions inside our mind? Because addiction isn't a logical choice. So I tell myself, what if I can learn to control my emotions - does that mean I don't have to fear that lurking beast? That I could tame it?
Is this dangerous thinking?
I'm here because there's a part of me that clings to this as a necessary commitment in my life. Despite the fact I can't admit I have no control. Despite the fact that I'm still struggling on Step 1, I am here. Because maybe there is a part of me that wants to believe, but is that part of me a coward? Or am I a coward for not admitting it?
I'm not alseep right now and this would be a time I would play games. These moments have happened before, when I just was antsy for whatever reason and decided to pull an allnighter. Usually that "extra time" I'd use would be for games. Well, I'm leaving my apartment to go get some errands done. Maybe I'm not in control...but I sure feel like I am today. But then what, after these 60 days? How "in control" will I be then?
A wise man once told me to shutup.
\\ Free from games since 03.13.2014 //
Hugs Ascender! Step 1 is an ongoing thing for an addict like me, thus I must surrender every day. The best way to achieve Step 1 is to surrender my will to the Higher Power. By surrendering, I am relinquished that control--I am letting go. I have spent my life trying to control myself and others, and everything else but it did not work well; otherwise I would not be where I was. My addict brain is always hiding in the shadow and that is just part of the disease process. Acceptance is what I should continue to thrive for.
Change occurs when I become what I am, rather than what I try to become what I am not. I can not control my gaming period. Not this time, Not in the past, and Not ever! I have to learn to accept that again and to surrender my will again to my HP. Step 1 opens the door to my heart and mind to a new way of living. The more willing I am to feel uncomfortable the more comfortable I become in my recovery.
Maggie
It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen
hi Ascender
You're not the only one intent to prove you have complete control of yourself. We've all been at that place. Most of us gaming addicts are still there. Only a few of us are here admitting that our control experiment was a failure and giving our focus to acceptance, abstinence and recovery.
There came a point where I realized that my various strategies for control had each failed me repeatedly. I don't think I was going to stop gaming completely or honestly work a program of recovery from gaming addiction until I had reached that point. I needed to feel like I'd given each control strategy a good shot, which I did before getting to OLGA, and which I've done in a couple of long relapses since getting to OLGA.
But I had to draw the line somewhere. I was afraid of burning up more years of my life in the failed control experiment, suffering all kinds of losses and problems and self loathing along the way. Now that I've been off games a while and my mind has been recovering from the damage, I can see what an easy choice it should have been for a sane person. (Which I was not.) For me it was a hard decision. And I went back on it a couple of times.
I don't regret my choice to admit the control experiment a failure. I don't regret sleeping well, exercising now, learning an instrument, spending more time with friends, accomplishing more at work, feeling lighter and happier, making jokes more easily, being slower to anger, and making friends in recovery. I don't regret giving up silly little games to have this much better life.
And, it turns out, my ego is not so bruised about admitting my lack of control. What I do regret is wasting years of my life in the control experiment trying to protect my scared little ego from a little disappointment, when really my ego is not so ****ed important. I see now that it gets me in trouble and that I'm doing much better now that I've gained some self-honesty, acceptance and humility. I'm better able to live in reality now. And it shows in the results I'm getting.
I hope you gift yourself with acceptance of your reality, whatever that might be. You deserve the freedom and empowerment it brings.
What you feed grows, and what you starve withers away.
Thank you both for your responses.
Scott - your post resonates with me in that, I can consider myself having gone through multiple variations of some sort of "control" experiment. I suppose this is yet another one. The worst part is, I've not had any dramatic rock bottom. So that simple fact enables me to believe it has never been as much of a problem as it is for others who are "true addicts". Yet, I know that any bit of free time I have is wasted away. Sure, my daily life I can function, but my life seems unabalanced. I wouldn't have come here originally if I didn't think something was wrong.
I don't want these 60 days to be another failed experiment. I want to use these 60 days to come to terms with Step 1, and then move forward with abstience and recovery. I really hope I can.
Thank you both again for your replies.
Regards,
Ascender
A wise man once told me to shutup.
\\ Free from games since 03.13.2014 //
Hello Ascender,
You aren't at all alone in wanting to have complete control over yourself, nor are you alone in not having a dramatic rock bottom experience. Part of what kept me from admitting that I was addicted was the relative "mildness" of consequences I was experiencing at the point I decided I needed to stop, because I could look at that and tell myself that I was not as much of an addict as the people who lost everything (or close to it). In reality, the only difference between me and an addict who HAS lost everything is that my addiction hasn't yet progressed to that point, not that I'm less of an addict. I saw differences and used them as excuses to think I could act differently and be fine, but now when I see a difference I'm grateful to my HP for the fact that I didn't need to learn the lesson in such a harsh fashion. For that matter, I don't see a lot of differences anymore for the simple reason that the similarities are overwhelming, and I find it more profitable to see the similarities than to go looking for differences.
I'm one of the people who sees the addict as being a separate entity inside of myself, and I refuse to help him out by telling myself that I can control him. He's a sneaky little thing...he gets to hijack everything that I have whenever he wants, and that means that he's every bit as smart as I am...with a big difference being that he never underestimates me. You are by all means entitled to try controlling things, but if you're an addict the way that the rest of us are, it won't work. It won't be your fault that it doesn't work, but the choice that you make then will be entirely up to you. You can come back and start working the program or you can keep trying to control it. I hope you don't wind up regretting the path you take, whichever one you choose. Hugs...
When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom
I've never not felt "in control" of my actions, even during relapses. I also somehow can't relate when people say they lose themselves to their AB, but I guess I completed Step 1 because I know that I am a slave to my habits (afterall, everyone is), and to embrace the program for my own betterment, I also had to "act as if" I really was a heavy addict.
Before I found OLGA, I could not stop playing and I would even wonder why. Something just glued me to the game, and I just somehow thought it was my love for the game--an emotion. I also didn't really believe in "gaming addiction" then.
Then I found this site and realized no, my intense feelings really must be a result of addiction. My compulsion to get on the game--even when I got sick of it and certainly didn't "love" it--was because of habits that I ingrained into myself over the years of going on when I had nothing to do.
Of course, right before I found this site, I was neglecting opportunities in real life and using the game heavily for escapism. I was a wreck and I'm glad to have escaped any further trauma through recovery.
Yet now, I still don't abstain from games completely (perhaps I've relapsed? I don't know...) and though they're not as problematic, I still could be doing better things than wasting my time with them, so I can relate to you on that. I've also tried to set set amount of days for abstinence (like until summer starts), but I quickly "failed" them all. Though, they also don't really feel like heavy failures, because my life is pretty great now and I think, what's one hour wasted on a game every few days?
But still, I find myself coming back to OLGA, despite this. That's how I know that I'm still not satisfied with my current life. Everything's a bit harder now that my recovery isn't so urgent, but I guess I must eventually start to pick things up more seriously again. Best of luck to you and your experiment, Ascender. (I probably need to get started on one of those myself.)
Live your story.