Interesting true story written by a gamer

Everquest Lost......The Tragic, True Story of Kincayd and Candannce

Most of you who have found your way here probably know about Everquest and the unique form of addiction that it can form. For those of you not familiar with it, Everquest is an online computer role playing game connecting literally thousands of players from around the world simultaneously. I played Everquest a little over two years and spent over 5 hours a day with it. The ending of my Everquest journey is not a happy one and I have found talking/writing about my experiences to be very therapuetic. This page is another in a long line of my efforts to overcome my addiction to the game and, more importantly, one person I met on it. I sincerely hope some of you can learn from my story and mistakes and possbily even prevent something similar from happening to someone else. This page is a work in progress and I will be adding to it with time. Please check the different sections, read my story and sign my guestbook. If you'd like, feel free to email me with comments, suggestions or your experiences with EQ.

What is contained within these pages is NOT a work of fan fiction....it is my true experiences within the world of Everquest and of my 2 year relationship with a person I met through the game.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the game, some of the things I mention elsewhere on my page could be quite confusing. Everquest in an computer Role Playing Game (RPG for short) that is played online simultaneously by literally tens of thousands of people. It contains a "game world" for players to explore that is incredibly large and diverse. I played the game for an average of 5 hours a day for 2 years and I still hadn't seen even half of what the game world had to offer! One "zone" or region of the world may contain snow capped mountains and cities filled with dwarves while another would be a barren desert inhabited by Giants as tall as trees! Players are free to do pretty much anything you can imagine. You can do as most people do, fight monsters and gain "expereince" and "Platimun" (the game world's currency), or you could literally sit and get "drunk" in a bar all night, if that was what you wanted to do. I started out the game as most players do, playing to fight monsters and maybe make a few friends. I soon met a woman named Candannce, however and after several months, the game was nothing more than a vehicle to "see" her.It was how we met and it was how we sustained our relationship.

Now, you'll notice within my pages that I mention "talking to her" or "seeing" her or other such terms. Everquest has a built in messaging system that is much like AOL Instant Messaging. You can chat with anyone else playing the game and Candannce and I spent the majority of out time doing just that.I never did actually meet Candannce in person, I never even spoke to her on the phone. So, all comments as such should be understood to mean that they took place within the game. But, I want to be clear on this........there was a very clear distinction in our talks.........there was never any question as to wether the things we had talked about were pertaining to our REAL lives and not our charecters. Confusing, I know, if you're not familiar with these types of games!

I also want to state VERY clearly......I am not blaming Everquest or Sony for anything that appened. Everquest, for most people, is a fun way to pass a few hours a week. I am a grown man, I make my own deisions and I had the opportunity to quit at any time, but I chose not to. I fully accept the blame for my pat in all of this. However, after reading of countless other stories similar to mine, this is NOT something that can be excused by calling me a "loser with no life" or "That's the internet,you should have known better". When we, as a society, come to expect and accept inappropriate behavior and then try to fully blame the victim, we are in big trouble. If I knew a certain area of a city was dangerous at night, yet chose to walk through there, and got hurt, would my prior knowledge excuse my attackers? In my opinion, no way! My prior knowledge of the inherent pitfalls with the internet is no excuse for what happened.

I didn't start playing Everquest with the intention of actually starting up any type of a relationship with anyone. It was something that developed over time, just as it would in real life. We talked to each other, learned about one another, came to trust and respect one another and things progressed from there.

On my home page I state that my name is Jim and my Everquest charecters name was Kincayd. I should also tell you that I have suffered for years with panic attacks which led to agoraphobia. At the time I started playing, it was quite accute, but since then I have thankfully, become much better, although I still have a ways to go. Although I knew Candannce's real-life name, I have chosen to refer to her at all times by her Everquest name. I also will not divulge any personal information about her such as where she lives, what school she attended, etc. I don't feel it's my place to put information of that sort within my website, but she did tell me all of these things. I, however, will always refer to them in a more general term. Just to give you a general idea of who she was, Candannce told me at the time we met she was a single, 22 year old college student. She also told me she was on an athletic scholarship for softball. I was 39 at the time and told her such. As our relationship grew and the possibilty of us carying it over to real life became greater, I asked her many times if the age difference could be a problem and I was always given the same reply....It's just a question of mind over matter......if you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

My Real Life Story

For those of you that think my story can't happen to you, let me tell you a little about myself. I am a 42 year-old man with a college education. If you were to ask my friends, they'd probably tell you that I'm a fairly intelligent, kind, and honest person. I have always taken people at face value, and perhaps this was my biggest flaw when it comes to my Everquest story....I never questioned anything, I always accepted what was told to me to be fact. Before I played Everquest, I had always scoffed at the thought of people meeting and possibly falling in love over the internet.....THAT could never happen to me I had thought. How very wrong and naive I was!

Back in January of 2001 my 26 year-old nephew and I each bought identical computer systems and, he, in an effort to see what his new system could do, went out the next day and purchased 2 copies of Everquest. He had been playing Ultima online for about a year and had thought that Everquest would be more fun if someone he knew played it with him. At first I was reluctant to install the game.....even though I had been using the internet for years, I had no interest in playing online games at all. Or so I thought!

A couple of days after he bought the games, I took a trip to his home one afternoon and as I arrived he had just finished installing his copy of Everquest and was soon playing the tutorial offline game. I was immediately hooked! I had played RPG's for years, but I'd never before seen such a vast and vivid landscape and all of this in 3D!

Well, after finishing up on the tutorial I eagery watched as my nephew dialed up his internet connection, loaded up Everquest and was soon in a vast world with 1000's of other players! I watched as he had his first chat session with another player and I was sold right then and there....I had to get home and install this on my system. I want to play too! I quicky headed home, installed the game and after an hour long patch, I was soon immersed in the world of Everquest. I thought to myself I had finally found the reason I needed that new computer and this was it! What a wonderful way to meet new people, especially since I am self-employed and work from home. I had a few good friends but had few chances to make more through my work. I could see how the game opened the door to new ones. Anyway, I played late into the next morning that night and the rest, as they say is history. I have learned a lot of valuable lessons in my two years playing Everquest, unfortunately, they were all done the hard way. I sincerely hope that through hearing my experiences with the game, I can spare even one person from the pain and anguish I've been dealt.

I took this picture of myself for, and sent it to Candannce on December 29, 2002. It shows me with the first gift she had sent me back in June of 2001, a stuffed rat named Scruffy. For those of you unfamiliar with Everquest, Scruffy was a wandering rat that could be often seen around the entrace to a city called Qeynos. Once, maybe a month or so after Candannce and I first me, we saw Scruffy, rushed over to see what he was, and I accidently hit the "attack" key on my computer'skeyboard and killed the poor thing. Candy never let me forget it, so this picture was to show her that Scruffy was still alive and well! I had also hoped that she'd return the favor and send me a more recent picture of herself.....that never happened.

I'd like to thanks a few very special people, without whom, I'm not sure where I'd be right now. Their help, support and constant encouragement has been an inspiration to me and kept me going day-to-day even when I felt as if I couldn't. Anna, Amy, my mother and a special thanks to April. What you've all done for me will never be forgotten. Thank you!

Everquest-The Good

I first played Everquest on the night of January 17, 2001....it's amazing to me that I can still remember the exact date more than 2 years later, but I do.I guess that shows exactly how deep an impact this game has had on my life. At the time I was 39 years old and even though I was completely taken with the game's atmosphere, I had assumed I'd play EQ for maybe a coupe of months, get bored with it like all other PC games I've played, and that would be the end of it. I didn't have any idea of what awaited me!

Upon my first session I was presented with a charecter selection screen with TONS of cutomizing options. Did I want to be a human or an Elf? Would I be a Magician or a Cleric? Who would be my chosen deity? After proably close to half an hour of decision work, I had finally decided to create a human Ranger by the name of Kincayd. My first few sessions of EQ were spent playing with my 26 year-old nephew. Those first few days were spent primarily in the training grounds near the Qeynos gates killing bats and gnoll pups and gawking in awe at all the higher level charecters! The game was fun, but at the time I had no problem shutting it down after a couple of hours of playtime. This was soon to change.

Sometime within the first week of playing, I logged into EQ and noticed that my nephew was already on. I had just figured out how to use my friends list and was making the best of it. Well, I sent him a tell and asked if he wanted to group, same as we had every other night. We were both in Everfrost at the time and he "telled" me back saying sure......mind if a friend of mine joins us? A friend? He'd made a friend? This was news to me, but I told him sure, it could be cool grouping with someone new, from who knows where. Well, we met up and he introduced me to his new friend Candannce.

We exchanged hello's and then the 3 of us proceeded to hunt for the next few hours. I've always been a bit shy when meeting new people in real-life and I found that Everquest was no different. I didn't say a whole lot to Candannce, or Candy and I soon nicknamed her, but I found her to be alot of fun to play with.

Over the next several nights of play, Candannce again joined my nephew and I and I eventually became more comfotable around her and we stared to talk to each other a bit more. Most of the talk at this time was about the game and our experinces with it. She had just started playing the game too....in fact we discovered later that not only did we both start playing on January 17,2001, but it was within a half hour of each other!

Several weeks passed and me and Candy became closer and we started to share a bit of our personal lives with each other. At this point, we were playing the game anywhere from 4-10 hours a night, 7 days a week! That's right, there were times, even this early into the game, that we played for 10 or more hours a night! The game and all the excitement of new friends was taking hold on me, but I did not see it at the time.

Me, Candy and my nephew made several more friends during this time and we grouped with them on a nightly basis. Soon we decided to form our own guild and sometime in late February of 2001, Shadows of Glory was born. Candy and I were both founding officers and we had written the guild's charter together through emails. The game was giving me a real sense of accomplishment that I sometimes lacked in my real-life and I was quickly becoming addicted to that. I could do things in Everquest that I either couldn't, or didn't dare do in my real-life. I was becoming a well respected player and thought of as a fair and giving person within the game, and I enjoyed that immensely.

Soon after the guild was born, Candannce and I started to become very close. Although we still grouped often with our guildmates,there were many times when we'd be alone,just the two of us, for at least part of the night. We began opening up more to each other and discussing our peronal lifes with each other. We found out that we had ALOT of common interests,from music, movies and personality, to our shared love of "The Twilight Zone"! By early May of 2001 we were married in game and Candannce Maximus became Mrs' Kincayd Tempestas. I've never been married in real-life and neither had Candannce. Now, I'm not some kind of delusional psycho that thought our in-game marriage was any type of a real commitment, but I could sense that we both thought of it as being a sign of how close we had become. We were playing together 7 nights a week for an average of 6-7 hours a night at this point. I can recall many nights where we'd log on at 7pm and not log off until 6am the next morning, and even this early in our friendship, we were strictly talking for for probably half of that time!

Through the months of April and May of 2001, Candannce and I became even closer. We had long ago exchanged email addresses and we were emailing each other at least once a day. In March 2001, she had sent me 3 pictures of herself,without my asking and I returned the favor in June and sent her 3 of me. Our in game talks became more and more persosnal and less about Everquest. By this point,I knew everything from her favorite desert to her shoe size and just about everything in between. I was beginning to think of her as much more than just an online friend....she was now someone I'd go to with my problems for advice and she'd come to me with the same. I was starting to fall in love with her. I know to many of you that sounds foolish and inappropriate, all things I would have agreed with a few months earlier. I was finding myself thinking of her more and more often during my time away from Everqeust. In late June of 2001, about 5 months after I first met her, and after a full week of psyching myself up, I wrote her an email asking if she saw any chance of us having a real-life relationship someday. She never responded in email, but that night when she logged onto EQ, she told me her thoughts on the subject and said basically that although she can't tell me yes or no, that she felt anything is possible. This, although not the answer I had wanted, still gave me a sense of hope that maybe, with time, things could work out.
June, and July saw us now playing exclusively with each other. We no longer grouped with anyone except for an occasional guild member maybe for an hour or two a week. During this time, her job switched her hours and she was now working 3-4 closing shifts a week. During those shifts, she wouldn't get home until 1:30 or 2:00 am in the morning, but I'd wait each and every night and log on at that time just to spend 20-30 minutes talking to her. I was taken with this woman and all that she said she was and I was more than willing to make these sacrifices to continue with our relationship.

August of 2001 saw Candannce's real-life birthday and I took a gamble and decided to give our real-life relationship a kick start. I had already gotten her home address....she had back a few months earlier asked me to find a 4-5 different VHS movies titles for her. She knew I went to alot of yard sales and flea markets, so I told her I'd do that for her and I found each and every one she asked about. Anyway, that's how I got her home address. But back to her birthday. I bought her a few small gifts, spending maybe 10-15 dollars on them and dropped them in the mail to her. But I also decided to try a bigger gamble and ordered her a vase of flowers to be delivered to her on her birthday. I wasn't sure how'd she'd react to flowers, but I wanted to find out. The night of her birthday she logged on and seemed genuinely happy about both the gifts and the flowers and thanked me many times. She seemd to enjoy everything I sent, which made me happy.

Well,the summer of 2001 rolled into fall and then winter and still Candannce and I became ever closer, I asked her in passing maybe 2-3 times through that time if she saw a real-life future for us and she always gave me the same answer.......anything is possible, just be patient, wait until I finish school and we'll see where it leads. I didn't want to push her too hard for fear I'd scare her off, so for the most part, I let the subject drop for quite some time after that.

Candannce and I were now doing more talking than actually game playing. We'd log into the game and first thing we'd do is to spend anywhere from 30 minutes to all night talking about what had happened during our days. She'd give me detailed accounts of what she did during the day, everything from what she had for lunch to what she had been doing the minute before she logged on. If she had a problem at home, school or at work, she'd come to me for advice and would tell me how appreciative she was to have my ear. She had seemed to have a lot of drama going on in her life, and mine was pretty quiet, but when I needed someone to talk to, she was always there for me, willing to listen.

Christmas of 2001 arrived and we exchanged gifts through the US mail. I had bought her 4-5 presents the best of which was a softball field afghan I had found online. She sent me a package loaded with presents and cookies and candy that she baked herself and I trusted her enough to eat them, despite the fact I had never seen this woman. Even though we both visited with family, we managed to log onto Everquest and talk for several hours on both Christmas eve and Christmas. I thought this was a good sign that we both decided to make some time during this holiday for each other. Christmas is a time to be spent with family members and good friends, and thats exactly what I had thought we were......very good friends with the potential for much more.

Despite the fact that things seemed to be very good between us, I still wasn't sure of where she stood as far as the possibity of meeting in real-life. She'd always been a litte coy on this subject, never fully saying yes or no, just that it's possible. Well, early into the new year 2002, I wrote Candannce an email stating that I needed a few days away from EQ to sort out my feelings. By now, the game itself had grown a litte stale for me, but I played it in order to see her.

Did I want to continue playing with the hope that someday we may actually meet? Or did I want to stop and get back the 5 hours a day the game was taking out of my life and give up on any hope of ever meeting this woman? What was right? What were the odds that this could ever be more than just a game? I know what I wanted...I wanted her to say yes, I will commit to at least meeting you in person, but that didn't happen. I wrote Candannce another email the next day telling her I wish I had a better feel as to where she stood on this subject and she wrote back saying that alhough she couldn't promise me anything, she thought it could happen. This was just enough to keep me going and I decided to stay with the game.

Things continued for the next month or so and on Valentine's day of 2001, I had a dozen red roses sent to her house along with chocolates and a teddy bear. She had told me earlier that she planned to send me something too. She had to work a closing shift again that night, so I waited until 2am for her to log into Everquest, where she told me about the surprise that was waiting for her when she returned from classes that afternoon. She told me that she had never gotten a dozen roses from anyone before and that I was in big trouble now because I had made her cry! This news brought a big smile to my face and I thought that we really did share something very special. Anyway, she also told me that she hadn't had the chance to mail my package yet, but she promised to do so the following day. A few days later, I got a package with a Garfield doll wearing a heart covered vest and carrying a small box of chocolates, and more home baked goodies which again, made me smile.

A week or so after, Candy began telling me she was having alot of problems with her work. Customers were being unreasonable, her boss was being overbearing and in general, she wasn't happy with the situation at all. We spent several nights just talking about that and I offered her both my thoughts and advice and she thanked me each and every time for telling her my thoughts. Well, a few days more, sometime in late February of 2002, our relationship took a major change when she logged on one night, and promptly asked me "How do you feel about moving? She told me she had talked with her best friend and told her how supportive and understanding I was and it made her think a lot more about what we shared. We are separated by about 700 miles, so asking that question was a major step forward in our relationship. I knew that we had to meet at least once or twice before even considering such a thing, but I felt just the fact that she'd ask me this question had to mean that she was now looking at me as a possible long-term relationship. The thing is, I had yet to tell her about my panic attacks/agoraphobia, so, because of that and just the shock of her asking, I never really answered her question. Well, I thought about the question she had posed the next day and while I would have loved to move if things worked out, I didn't think it would be possible at that time. So, that night when I saw her, we sat down and I told her about my problems. It was quite emotional for me beacuse I thought there was a chance that this could be the end of our relationship, but she was competely understanding and very supportive.

Over the next 2 months, Candannce's attitude towards me and a possible real-life relationship changed dramatically. She was now dropping hints left and right about us. She'd tell me how when we get together, I was only going to be allowed one shelf in the fridge. She told me how when we go shopping, she planned to make me carry her bags and her purse. She told me that she wanted me to teach her how to ride a snowmobile and figure skate. She'd tell me how I better read up on Toyotas so I could work on her car once we were together, etc. She even dropped many hints about a possible marriage, telling me I stay in shape because she's not marrying a broken-down old man. Again, I realized that first we'd have to meet and see how things go, but at that point I had every reason to believe that once we did meet, and that was quickly becoming more of a certainty than a possibility, we'd get along just as well as we did within the game. And, as I stated earlier, she was always very guarded with her answers about the possibity of more, so this was a much welcomed change of direction from her. It now seemed that things were headed exactly where I'd hoped they had since I sent that first email on the subject back in June of 2001.

The next few months passed and Candy dropped more and more hints about "us" and I ate them all up. I had fallen head over heels for this woman, and even though I'd never met her in person, I felt I knew her like I book. Chatting with each other for as much time as we did, I became atuned to her typing patterns, and she had the same with me. I know, sounds odd, right? But, when you think about it ,this was how we shared our lives with each other and I had no problem telling what kind of a mood she was in just through her typed words. I could tell if she'd had a bad day with the first sentence she'd send me on any given night. I could tell when she'd been eating chocolate or drinking Coke, her words would come out faster. I could tell when she was sad...her response to my questions would be dealyed a bit, etc. There were many times when she'd know something was wrong with me well before I did! She knew me as well as I knew myself and at times even better!

Well, spring arrived and in mid May of 2002, Candannce was taking a trip with her college to Paris. She'd be gone two full weeks and up until this point, we'd never been apart for more than one night at a time, and even that was VERY rare. During the two weeks she was gone, I had decided to surprise her and get the "Luclin" expansion pack. She had gotten 'Luclin", which,for those that don't know, opens up new features and areas of the game to explore, for this past Christmas. She wanted to go and check out some of the new zones but didn't because I didn't have the expansion. I needed to upgrade my video card, so while she was away I replaced my old 8MG TNT card with a brand new Radeon 7000 64MG amd then proply installed Luclin. I had played a few times with my nephew while she was away, but the game just wasn't the same without her. I missed our talks and I missed looking forward to seeing her at night! While in Paris she even went out of her way to find a computer and send me a short email.

Upon her return from France, Candannce told me how much she missed me, how much she loved me and how I had better get used to the idea of her being around beacuse I was stuck with her, which was fine with me. It now seemed more and more certain that things were headed the right way and we would indeed someday meet.

By this point in our relationship, we had a pretty set routine for our time spent together. We'd both log on, usually around 8 or 8:30pm and then sit and talk for usually and hour or two to discuss our days with each other. After that, we'd pick out a movie we'd "watch" together. Like I said, we shared alot of similar interests and we found out very quickly that our taste in movies was nearly identical and that we had a lot of the same titles on VHS and DVD. A few of our favorites to watch were Fast & Furious, Christine, Aliens, The Fog, Dawn of the Dead, Clue, Star Wars Episode I, Gone in 60 Seconds and our all time favorite, Misery. We'd take turns picking titles and would usually go through 2-3 movies a night as we played Everquest, and it was immensely fun. We'd share our jokes and observations about the films as we played and it was just one more thing that helped bring us closer together. Anyway, once the film started, we actually set about playing the game at a VERY slow pace. We'd often stop and start talking......sometimes for a minute or two, sometimes it would kill the rest of the night! To us, it didn't matter how the game was going, as long as we were together, we made our own fun. We'd usually continue to play until midnight or 1:00 am, down quite a bit from our early days of playing, but still a lot of time spent together. When we were ready to quit for the night,we sit and discuss our plans for the next day, set a time to meet again tomorrow, say our goodbyes and then log off.

Things continued to go well over the summer and there was every reason for me to believe that it would reamin that way. We talked occasionally about meeting in real-life, but at this point,there really wasn't any reason to discuss it in much detail. Candannce had always told me that once she finished up with school, then she'd be ready to commit to a relationship. She was now between her Junior and Senior years, so it was pretty much understood by us both that once summer of 2003 came around, then things would start to move.

Well, August and Candannce's real-life birthday was closing in again and this time I decided to try to find something really special for her. We had a long running joke....I'm not even sure how it started. I apparently said something to her at one time that she took wrong. Well, I explained what I meant and she understood and then told me that it was ok, but now I owed her a pair of Nike's! She'd always told me she had a tons of shoes and she only wore Nike sneakers. Anyway, whenever I said something after that she took exception to, I'd try and explain and her reply would always be, oh yeah, I see....just like you were going to send me a pair of Nike's! This had been going on for maybe 6 months by this time, but I decided for her birthday to get her a pair. I headed to a nearby Lady Footlocker, talked with a salewoman there and explained what I was looking for and she found a really nice pair of Nike's for $70. They had teal trim and that was another little inside joke with us. Teal was one of her favorite colors, but I had always refused to say the word, told her guys don't say teal and called it light blue instead. Anyway, I KNEW she'd love the Nike's and get a good laugh out of them too. I also picked her up an autographed 8x10 color photo of Lucy Lawless.Xena was her favorite TV show and I had no doubt that she'd love the picture too.....again, this cost me another $70. I also picked up a few other odds and ends like a stuffed boxer puppy (she had several boxers) and these cost maybe another $20. I also arranged for flowers to be delivered at another $45, so, in total I spent over $200 for her birthday. Now, I'm not one to worry about money at all, if I want to spend it, I spend it, but I feel I had put a lot of thought into the gifts I sent and they didn't come cheaply. This will be important later in this discussion when I get to my birthday in January. Anyway, she loved the gifts and did indeed get a good laugh and plenty of use from the Nikes.

The day after Labor day of 2002, my father suffered a major heart attack. My mother and I sat with him at the hospital from 2 am until 7am and then finally headed home to get a little rest. We were back at the hospital around noon and spent the rest of the afternoon there. By the time I got home again, I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, but I none-the-less managed to log on and spend a good 3-4 hours with Candannce that night. I needed someone to talk to and she was more than willing to listen. A few days later, my dad was told he'd need to undergo bypass surgery and he made the decision to go ahead with it. It was right around this point that cracks started appearing in my realtionship with Candannce.

One week after being admitted to the hospital, my father underwent his surgery and had 5 bypasses done. He had a long recovery and during this whole time, me and the rest of my family spent as much time as possible in the hospital with him. I wouldn't wanted to have been anywhere else, my father had ALWAYS been there when I needed him and now it was my turn to try to return a small portion of what he'd given me. But after 2 weeks of hopsital visits, I was becoming drained. I still logged on every night with Candannce, but I honestly wasn't as much fun as I used to be. We'd often sit and she'd do most of the talking while I'd listen. I did make an effort to talk more, and to have more fun for her sake, but I was not having fun in my real-life and it was hard to feel any better even when playing Everquest and talking with Candy. Now, don't get me wrong, when I mean I wasn't fun, I mean just that.I wasn't mean or anything like that, I just wasn't myself....and I thought I had good reason.

Anyway, sometime early in the fall of 2002 me and Candannce again got on the subject of a real-life meeting and I asked if we were still looking at summer of 2003 and her reply was "If I still get out of school as I had planned to, yes". This comment caught me by surprise and I wasn't sure what she meant by it. I asked her what she meant and she said nothing in particular, it's just that sometimes things happen, but I should be done after this year. Things would only get worse from there.

Everquest - The Bad

As I stated earlier, my father's recovery from bypass surgery was very slow and he had an extended hopsital stay, but finally, close to a full month after he was first admitted, he made his way back home. He required constant care which kept me and my mother extremely busy and tired! He had been home less than a week, when a visiting nurse examined him, noticed he was very short of breath and called an ambulance. He was back in the hopsital for another week, before again being sent home. Betwen my work, running back and forth to the hospital and helping care for my father, I was quickly becoming a very tired person. I still played Everquest nightly, but it was a rare occasion that we actually did anything but sit and talk. Candannce was very supportive during this time, but she'd seemed to be getting a bit bored. I asked her if she was, and she admitted that she wasn't having as much fun as she used to, but told me not to worry, she understood.

Well, things continued like this through October, November and into December. A typical day for me during this time would consist of getting up at 8am, working for 3-4 hours, helping my father with whatever he needed during the afternoon, doing some shopping for him (he couldn't even get up out of his chair without the help of 2 people) and then finally around 5 or 6pm, I'd get back to my own work and finish up. There were many days during that time that I didn't have a meal until after 4pm...and I mean nothing! Not even a slice of toast! Again, I'm not at all complaining, I'd do it all over again in a second, but I'm just pointing out that I was truly becoming exhausted and burnt out. By the time I'd log onto Everquest at 8pm or so, I was competelely drained in all ways! I had begun to sense that Candannce, although she never compained, was becoming more and more bored with me. Like I said before, by the time I logged into the game, I had nothing left to give to her, but I had expected, after everything we'd been through, that she'd have given me the benefit of the doubt when I told her many times that I was just exhausted, nothing more and that once things were straightened out with my father, I could get back to being my normal self.

The months of October and November flew by for me and soon half of December was gone too. I had yet to start my Christmas shopping, it just didn't seem like a priority at that point. A week before Christmas my father woke up one morning and had a lot of trouble breathing. We called for an ambulance and he was taken to the hospital yet again. This time he was diagnosed with pnuemonia and he'd have to stay until it was cleared up. My mother and I stayed with him that entire day and didn't leave until 8 pm. When we returned the following day he didn't look good at all and early that afternoon his breathing became extremely labored. Several doctors rushed in and after a quick exam, asked us if it was ok to insert a breathing tube. This was a major decision, but we had so little time to think about it, everything was happening so quickly. We soon told the doctor's to go ahead and do whatever they need to, so we were promptly escorted out of his room while the doctors went to work. When we were finally able to see him later that day he was back in Intensive Care and under heavy sedation. He would occasionaly open his eyes and look at us, but it was only momentarily. I finally got around to do my Christmas shopping and although I had found some nice gifts for Candannce, they weren't quite as personal as some of the others I had sent....I just didn't have the time to look like I had in the past.

The ordeal with my father had made me think hard and long about my own life. Things can change so quickly, dramatically and unexpectedly......I felt I wanted more than what I had. I'd never been married nor did I have any children, and here I was, close to 42 years old. How much longer could I wait if that was what I wanted? Candannce possesed all the qualities I considered important, she was honest, trustworthy, extremely caring and giving, had a great sense of humor and we shared SO much in common. I was also deeply in love with this girl and judging from the pictures she sent me, to my eyes, she was the most beautiful woman on the face of this planet. One night, just before Christmas 2002, I was in a really good mood, which was quite rare during this time. Candannce noticed and asked me what I was thinking about. I told her, I'd been doing a lot of thinking about myself, where I am, where I want to be and about us. She asked me what I came up with and I told her this. I've decided that I know what I want for the rest of my life. I want to get married, have a family, grow old with someone together and I'd like that all to be with you! I could tell that this statement surprised her a little....for a while she didn't respond. I wonder now if she had taken that to be a proposal when it wasn't. Like I said, I was in love with her, but I realized that we couldn't go right from chatting within Everqeust to a marriage, that would be extremely foolish. We'd have to meet at least, say for a full week to at least to see if the good repoire we had in the game would carry over into real-life, and I had no reason to believe it wouldn't. If we got along well during that first initial meeting I had figured I'd invite her to visit me again soon, say within a month or two, and if that went well too, I had fully intended to buy her a diamond and ask her to marry me. But this particular statement was not a proposal....I just wanted to let her know, that that's where I saw out relationship going sometime in the future. I also told her that I couldn't go on playing Everquest like this for more than another year. I said I needed to know where she wanted the relationship to go. She responded by saying that she wasn't sure she'd be ready to be married within a year. I explained that she misunderstood what I was saying. Like I said, I was about a month from being 42 years old. I told her that I didn't want to be a first time father at 50, so if I really wanted all of those things, I couldn't wait forever. She again acted surprised and wanted to know exactly what I meant by that, so I told her this. I want us to meet, at least once or twice, somewhere in the next year. If we get along well for those meeting, yes, I can see us engaged within a year and then married another year or two after that. She still reacted like I was rushing her, which I didn't feel I was. We had met in January 2001 and if we met and got engaged in 2003, then married in 2005, that would be a full 4+ years after we first met.....that doesn't sound like rushing in my book. Anyway, she told me that she had a lot of thinking to do and that she wanted to talk to her friends about this. I told her that was fine and that I wasn't expecting any kind of answer anytime soon. But I was firm and I told her again, by the end of 2003, if you're still unsure if you even want to meet me, I plan to move on.

Well,a few days later Candy logged on one night and was in a really good mood. I asked her why and she said that she had been thinking about what I had said. So, I asked her what her thought were and she told me this. "Let me just say this, I talked to her cousin (she was living with her) and she has been begging me not to move ever since, but I told her she can have my room once I do, so it won't be all bad". Now, I took this to mean that she'd decided that she had FINALLY commited to at least meeting me once! I was realived to say the least!

A few days later, things would change again. I recalled her telling me sometime in the fall that she had been eleceted as captain of her softball team. So, one afternoon I had some free time, so I again went to her school's website to take a look and the 2003 roster had been posted. I took a look and her name was not on the roster. Not only that, but I didn't recognize a single person on it! This was quite alarming to me, so I did a simple search on Yahoo and I pulled up rosters and box scores for her school from 1994-2002 and not once did I see her name or anyone else that she had mentioned! I was now genuinely worried about this, but I still believed that she'd have a very logical explanation for this.

The next day I told her what I had found,mentioning only the 2003 roster and nothing else and when confronted with this she told me that there were two schools in that town with the exact same name....I must have been looking at the wrong website. Now, her school, although small, is fairly well known and I was 99.9% sure it was the only one with that name in that town, but I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and double check before I confronted her with the evidence about the other years too. So, the next day I searched and found I was indeed right, there was only one school in that town with that name, so I knew something was wrong.

That night I had planned to confront her with what I'd found but before I could she told me she owed me an apology/ She said she had lied about the school and that in fact, she, and all the friends I had mentioned had been kicked off the team, and pending an appeal lost their scholarships, because they'd been caught cheating on a test. She told me she was embarresed by the whole thing and that's why she hadn't told me this before. So, after hearing her explanation, I asked her flat out, so, I was on the right website then, right? That was your college and I named the name again. She told me yes, it was, but that's why I didn't see her on the roster. She said she had been playing right up until May of 2002. At this point,I knew she was hiding something from me. I then told her that I had seen box scores and rosters from 1995 on and I never saw her name once, or for that matter anyone else that she told me was on the team with her. She really didn't have any response to this bit of information. I continued to press the matter and finally she said "You sound like you doubt me......I know I am me and there HAS to be something out there. We talked for a little while longer but I again let the subject drop. I wasn't sure what to think about this....she was obviously hiding something from me, but what was it? Why would someone lie about something so insignificant? I mean, I could have cared less if she played softball or not, but once she told me what a major part of of her life it was, it became important to me too. She also told me that back just before Thanksgiving, she had her appeal hearing and lost. She said she had lost her scholarship and was kicked out of school. She also told me that she had applied to and been accepted to a major Div I school near her and that she wouldn't be starting classes there until at least summer of 2003! I didn't say a word to her but first thing in my mind was what about OUR plans? We had planned to meet as soon as she finished school, but now she's telling me she be in school through at least the end of 2003? How long was I supposed to wait? I wasn't sure what to think anymore.

Christmas of 2002 came and my box of gifts arrived at Candannce's residence well before it did. Her box to me however hadn't even been mailed. I knew this was a bad sign. I talked to my nephews wife many times over the few days since Candannce dropped the news about school trying to get her opinions on what I should do. I had caught her in a lie, which in itself isn't too big a deal, but I had a feeling there was something bigger she was hiding. And with the type of relationship we had, based entirely through the Internet and e-mails, honesty and trust were ALL we had! If she could lie to me about the thing she said she loved most, what else was she lying about?

A few days before the new year, Candy, me and my nephew's wife (her game charecter was named Feebii) were all logged on and playing. I still hadn't decided what I wanted to do about this situation, so I was just playing the game as I normally did. My nephew's wife had been playing the game since April of 2001 and she and Candy also became very good friends. They too exchanged and occasional email and in the game, they called each other cuz. Well, that night we were talking when Feebii told Candy about a New Year's eve party we had planned and she told her that she was more than welcome to come and join us. Candy said thanks, I'd love to, knowing full well that she couldn't just drive 700 miles on such short notice, but she was grateful for the invitation. She then said to me "Why didn't you invite me?". Over the next hour or so, the two of them gave me a hard time about that and I laughed and refused to comment. Well, Feebii logged off the game and as soon as she did, Candannce told me she was really upset with me. She told me that even though she knew she wouldn't be able to accept it, she wished that I had invited her to the party. I tried to explain to her why I didn't but she only grew more upset and then she finally just logged off entirely. We've hard arguements before, but we had ALWAYS talked about and settled them before we quit the game. This was the first time either of us had ever left the other angry. I waited about 15 minutes to see if she planned to come back, but she didn't, so I logged off too. I then checked my email and waiting for me was an extremly long email from her explaining why she was upset and saying that if I wanted to talk, get in touch with her through Instant Messaging, which I did. We talked for probably over an hour and I explained to her that I didn't invite her because I don't kid around about that sort of thing. If I invite you to visit, I want it to mean something and I want you to accept. I took our relationship seriously, and I didn't feel it was anything to joke around about. I then said I would have LOVED to invite you, but I know you don't want to do anything until your done with school. In my mind I was thinking that if it were up to me, I would have invited her LONG ago, but I was trying to do what was best for her, so I never did. I was waiting until she was fully ready. We finally got that mess straightened out and we both called it a night.

The new year came and went with little excitement. I was upset about my father and I was confused by Candannce's actions and statements and I was now more confused than ever over where our relationship was headed. I had planned to tell her that we needed to sit down and have a serious talk about this, but before I could, my father's condition worsened. His pnuemonia was not responding to antibiotics and his kidneys had now failed .He was on daily dialysis and the doctors told us that given his age, 76, there was not much hope for recovery. They also said that he needed a trachiotomy and they wanted to do surgery to insert a tube that would make dialysis easier. We were told that it was time for us to make a decision, do we want to put him through these things, or did we want to take him off life support and see what happens. We discussed this for a couple of long, agonizing days and then finally decided that he had been through enough, it was time to let him go. We went to the hospital the day after we made the deision and informed his doctor of it. A new doctor came and and told us that he had just been assigned to his case and he had seen some marked improvement overnight, his lungs were clearing and he thought his coma may be related to his medication. He asked us to wait another day or two and see how things look then. We waited another 2 days and his condition did not improve. We again were told that it may be time to decide, so once again we agonized and decided to take him off life support. The following day we went in to see him an again were greeted with news that he had improved overnight and there was now some hope. They had delivered him some medication to take him out of the coma and they said that he did indeed open his eyes a bit. So again, we were all set to let him go and again, we were asked to wait a few days. Over the next couple of days his condition deteriorated and we went to see his own doctor and discussed with him our choices. He agreed that it was now best to take him off life support, so on January 9th we went into the hospital and spent the morning visiting with him. It was now nearly a full week since we had first discussed taking away life support and until you've had to deal with that with a close family member, you can't imagine how much it will wear on you. The entire family was worn out and exhausted, No one slept or ate as well as we should have and the emotional toll it took was immeasurable. Finally that afternoon, a doctor came in and talked to us and we informed him of out decision. He gave us several options as to how to go about this and we chose to have everything taken away except for a morphine drip. Within 10 minutes of our decision, his nurses came in and took off his drips and removed his ventilator tube. The entire family was in his room with him, which was very comforting to us all, but it was still hard to watch my father in what we all assumed would be his last moments here on earth. It was now 7:30pm and I had emailed Candannce earler in the day and ask that she wait up for me tonight. I wasn't sure when or even if I'd be home that night, but I'd need someone to talk to when I do get in. Well, by 9pm it was all over....my father had peacefully passed away. It was an extremely difficult thing to be in his room and watch, but I'm SO glad I was able to do that for him. Well, after alot of tears and hugs I finally headed home for the night around 10pm or so. I logged into Everquest and Candannce was indeed waiting for me as I had asked her. We sat and talked for a couple of hours and she offered me a lot of encouraging words.

The next few days were filled with visits to funeral parlors and flower shops. On Saturday January 10th, I received a gorgeous potted plant offering me condolences on my father's death and it was from Candannce. I was surprised and it made me feel incredibly secure knowing that I had such a thoughtful, caring individual as a friend. Candannce and I continued to play and she noticed immediately that I now seemed like my old self. I was happier and more playful than she'd seen me in months. I felt that my fathers passing, in the end, was a blessing and a huge burden had been removed from my shoulders. Things seemed to be as good as they'd ever been between us, even though in the back of my mind I was still worried about the school mess. I had so many other things going on though, that it wasn't a priority at the time, so I didn't bring the subject up again.

Things went along very smoothly for a while. I was feeling much better, we were both having more fun and our talks were as good as they'd ever been. All of that changed on January 15th though. Late that night and out of the blue, Candancce asked me, and I quote "what if we were to meet and I HATED you? I mean think about it!". I was absolutely shocked at this comment. I had thought many, many times about what our first meeting would be like, but I can tell you right now that the thought of me hating her had never, ever even entered my mind. To know that she could even consider that caused me a lot of anxiety. Something seemed wrong, I sensed it but I couldn't put my finger on it. We logged off soon after that comment without really discussing it. I tend to get quiet for a while when something upsets me. She would always pick up on that, but we didn't stay on long enough to notice. Anyway, I didn't get much sleep that night, I was too upset over what she had said, so I got back up early the next morning and sat down at my computer and wrote her a long email telling her that we needed to talk. Every other time when I'd told her I needed to talk about something, she usually wrote me back quickly if she could, or we'd talk about it first thing that night. On January 16th I received an email from Candannce around 6 pm telling me it was snowing there and she was heading outside with her dogs and I should expect to see her around 9 pm. Snow was rare where she lived and I knew she loved to go outside when it happened. Well, I logged into EQ at 9 pm and waited until 1am the next morning and she never showed up or emailed me. This was VERY unlike her and combined with that comment, I was now genuinly concerned. The next day was a Friday and I knew she had been going out Friday night's lately with her friends so I knew I wouldn't get a chance to talk to her for another day. On Friday I again wrote her and told her I really needed to speak with her, but she wrote me back a short e-mail saying I had misunderstood her and I'd see her early Saturday night.

Saturday night finally arrived and I was now quite upset. That comment had been festering for 3 days now and I was not a happy camper. I logged on around 8 pm and waited, waited and then waited some more until finally she showed up a little after midnight. She told me that her cousin had been messing around with her computer and changed a setting or something an she couldn't get her AOL connection to work. I then asked her what had happened Thursday ngiht and she told me her brother pulled into the driveway around 9 pm and with the snow, slid off and into a ditch. She said they then waited until a tow truck arrived after midnight. She also said she couldn't log on because her brother told her to keep the phone line open. All the time I was thinking how hard would it have been to just log on for 5 minutes and tell me what happened so I wouldn't be sitting here waiting all night? I told her I felt that she was taking me for granted and she insisted that she wasn't. Anyway, we logged off and by the next day, I had pretty much forgotten about the whole ordeal. We did get around to talking about the comment she made about possibly hating me and she told me she didn't mean it that way, she was just thinking too much and she felt things were moving too quickly. I again assured her I'd never try to pressure her into anything, but I was telling it straight, I need to have an idea what you want, so I can either plan for it or move on.

Well, the next day we logged on and she wanted to discuss tour relationship again. She told me she most concerened about moving, that she'd always lived in the same area and she didn't want to leave her friends and family. I told her I understood that completely, but I also reminded her of my problem and that it would be extremely difficult for me to move. We logged off that night and again, I didn't get much sleep. I came to the conclusion that if I didn't do something soon, I may end up losing her before we even get things off the ground. After thinking long and hard I came up with what I thought was a good solution and I told her the following the next night. I told candannce that I'd like her to come up and visit within a few months...see if she liked the area. If she did,and we got along,fine, she can move here. I told her that if she did't, that I'd be willing to move to her area. Now, for a person who hadn't been more than 20 miles away from home in more than 15 years, this was an INCREDIBLY big promise, but it was one I absolutely would have followed through with. I thought so much of her that I would make, what was for me, the ultimate sacrifice. I had fully expected her reaction to this bit of news to be one of joy. She'd told me at least once a day that she loved me and now I was offering to move to her. Well, the reaction I got was anything but joy. First thing she said was well, that's an awfully big promise for you to make. I replied, yes it is, but I can tell you right now that I will follow through on it if it will make you happy. Again I expected a good response but instead she paused for a moment and then told me that she knew me too well and that I'd be miserable there. I told her that as long as we were together, I'd be happy regardless of where we lived, and with that she agreed, although she didn't seem very enthusiastic.

At this point our playing time was cut down dramatically. She was busy working and I was still worn out from the whole 4 month ordeal with my father. We now played generally from 9 pm until 12:30 or 1 am. This had been going on for approximately 6 months, but things were still good because we now spent nearly all of our time just talking and very little actual playing went on. The next few nights went along as usual, but that was all soon to change.

On the night of January 23rd, we both logged on early and she soon suggested that we head to Bazaar to pick ourselves up some new armor. I quickly found an Engraved Royal Velium breastplate for her which killed 3/4 of my bank account, but it made her happy, so I was happy as well. She then suggested that we buy some new items for her cousin's character Mitzii, which promptly emptied my bank account completely! I then started looking for a new chest item for myself and saw a really nice Ranger only piece....I can't recall the exact name, it's been so long since I've played, but I think it was something like Etched Tin tunic. Anyway, I pointed it out to Candy and she agreed it was nice. I then told her I had no money left (I had after all just spent it all on her and her cousin) and she told me not to worry, she'd pick one up for me tomorrow. With that we headed down to Splitpaw where I power leveled her cleric Shawna all night. It had been probably 6 months or more since we'd played past 1:30 in the morning but on this night we stayed up until nearly 4 am! Candannce was always the one to decide when it was time to call it a night, her schedule was more set than mine was. I was self-employed and could make my own hours, so I always let her call the shots on when it was time to log off. Well, around 4 am, after a really fun-filled night, we told each other I love you, see you tomorrow night and then logged off like we had 100's of times before. But this one was different....this would be the last time I ever saw Candannce!

The following day was a Friday and, as expected, Candannce emailed me saying she was headed out with her friends and she'd see me Saturday night....early. Saturday came and sometime that afternoon I got an email from Candannce and my heart sunk when I read it. She said she needed some time away from Everquest to think. She said she'd be thinking alot about our relationship lately and she needed the time to sort things out and decide what she wanted to do. She ended the message with the following line...."regardless of what I decide, I hope we can be friends and talk and play some. This sounded like the classic kiss of death....I like you and all, but just as a friend! Needless to say I was shocked. Just a few days earlier she was telling me how upset her cousin was at the thought of her moving, and now she's not sure? I was completely confused by all of this. Saturday night came but I could not fall asleep. My mind was racing a mile a minute trying to figure out if I had said something to offend her. Maybe she was right, maybe I was pressuring her too much. Could that be it? Well, sleep was not an option that night so I got up around 3 am and sat down at my computer and spent a good 2 hours writing Candannce a long, heart felt letter. I told her how I felt we shared something unique, how much I loved her and how I couldn't promise her a big house or a new car, I could promise her I'd do everything possible to make her happy each and every day. And I meant every single word I said! Candannce meant the world to me and I would have done just about anything to have a real-life future with her.

Everquest - The Ugly

Sunday January 26th came and went and Sunday night I spent browsing online. Around 11 pm that night I got an Instant Message from Candannce and we talked for maybe over an hour. Around midnight I had noticed my watch change to January 27th, my birthday. I said to her "Wish me a happy birthday and she said...Oh,it's today? I knew it was in January, I had that in my planner, but you never told me the day. "I know for a fact I had told her the day more than once, and besides, she could have easily have emailed Feebii and found out quickly. I felt dejected especially after all the thought and effort I had put into her past birthday. I asked her what was going on and she insisted nothing, she just needed a little time, that's all. I told her I felt like she was getting ready to dump me and she insisted she was NOT dumping me, she just needed some time to sort things out. I asked her what things and she mentioned school, her feeling, etc. but I could sense there was more to it than she was telling me. I pushed the subject time and time again until finally she broke down and said quote.

"**** it!"
"Something has happened here"
"And I NEED some time"
"I NEED some time to decide if I want to be with you"
"or with someone else."

With those five lines my heart went up in my throat and I broke down and cried! I have never been an emotional person and until my father's last couple of months of life, I don't think I'd cried in years. But this news broke my heart and smashed it into little peices. We had been planning SO many good things for a possible future and now she's telling me she may not even give us a chance? I asked her if she'd met someone there and she said yeah, kinda. Again my heart sank. Before I continue, I need to backtrack a bit again. Back in September of 2002, while I was at the hopsital visiting my father, my mother apparently noticed a nurse trying to flirt with me. I've never been real good at picking up on those types of things, so I never saw it, but she insisted it did happen. I asked if I should have said something and my mother said to me 'Well,what do you think Candy would think about that? She meant it in a sarcastic way, and she obviously didn't think I should because it would upset Candy. Anyway, I thought that bit of information would make for a wonderful test to see exactly how much Candannce thought about me. So, that night I told her the story, kind of non-chalant and she got quite upset. She told me that I had better not be looking at other women or she would do what she called "Clip and Flip"...I'll let your imagination run wild on that one. I then told her this was something I wanted to be sure of though. I told her I'd be extremely upset if she were to meet someone else now and I asked her flat-out...are we waiting for each other, meaning,are we commited to one another until we at least meet once. And she told me yes, we were. Now this was not a short conversation...it took probably close to two hours.

Anyway, I reminded her of that conversation and what she had told me. She said she could remember the part about the nurse, but not the part about waiting for each other! I found that hard to belive because that was the whole point of bringing up the nurse in the first place! Anyway, this all went very quickly....and she knew how very upset I was, so she told me she was logging off before she made things worse and with that, she was gone! Worse? How can they get worse? Only way they can get worse if she left me all alone with my thoughts and no one to share them with, and that's exactly what she did! I know to some of you it sounds strange after what I'd just been through with my father in real-life, but honestly, that's as low as I've ever felt in my life. She insisted that she hadn't made up her mind yet and that nothing had yet happened between her and this new guy, but I could tell deep down that I was not going to win this battle. How can I, over 700 miles away, compete with someone that is there with her right now? I can't!

And now, for THE REST OF THE STORY.....

Once again,no sleep on Sunday night either,so I wrote her another heart felt email and this time I gave her my phone number and asked that she call me.I told her I thought it was important right now that she hears my voice so she'll know I'm much more than just a someone on the other side of a computer screen.It's funny,but talking on the phone had never really occured to me until that point.I think it was because we chatted so much online that there didn't seem to be much pouint in running up huge long distance bills.But now suddenly it seemed VERY important and I fully expected her to call.
Back just after she sent me the plant upon my father death,I had decided I'd do a litle earlyshopping for her for Valentine's Day.I ordered her,naturally,a dozen,long-stem red roses and I found her citie's newspaper online and they were accepting classifieds for Valentine's Day.I'd seen those before and I thought it would be a fun idea,so I took out an an that said "Thanks for a wonderful two years and I'm looking forward to many more! Love,Jim".Naturally,I included her first name,but unfortunately that ad,I imagine,went unread.I had planned to get her more gifts later,but we never made it that far.Well,I decided this night to change the order for the roses and have them delivered to her on Monday the 27th,MY birthday!
Monday came and went but Candannce never called.Not only that,she never even emailed me until early Tuesday morning.In that email she said simply thanks for the flowers,I'll have a decision soon.I sent her roses on my birthday,and that was all I got in return?Again,I knew this was a bad sign and something was very wrong here.
Tuesday fianlly came and I went about my normal day,when around 4pm I checked my email and there was one waiting from Candannce.I opened it up and could not believe what I read.She started off with a few lines about her day.The next paragraph said I've come to a decision and I think we should go our seperate ways and see other people.I hope we can still be friends and talk and play.I have NEVER in my life felt so alone as I did at that moment.Just a bit over two weeks since I lost my father,a day after she forgot my birthday,I had now lost another person in my life that I had loved most!The emotional toll of all of this was quickly becoming more than I could bear.After 2 years of talking to this woman,she writes me a 2 paragraph email to tell me she's no longer interested?I logged onto instant messanger to see if she was online and she was.I asked her if she'd talk to me and she said yes.I then asked her if we could do this over the phone and she refused saying it would make her cry.What about my feelings I thought.I asked her once again if she'd please do this over the phone....for me.This time her answer was that she did't feel like talking on the phone right now.
During this conversation,Candannce said some extremely hurtful things.I asked her why she was doing this and she told me that she has missed the physical part of a relationship and that she was looking forward to that with this new guy!That line put a picture in my head that I did NOT want there and I couldn't beleive she could tell me anything so hurtful and insensitive.I'd waited two years just to meet this woman,and now she's telling me this?This was not the same Candancne that I had known at all.She also told me that her new acquaintance made her feel really good about herself,something she hadn't felt in a long time.Again,a very hurtful thing to say.Being 700 miles away made it difficult for me to help and console her when she needed it most,but I KNOW in my hearstI did all I could.I rememer at least two occasions when she told me she wasn't feeling well,and I surprised her with flowers the next day.I was always willing to listen to any problem she had and what I had done for her up until this point was only a fraction of the things I would have done for her if we had ever met and started a relationship.But she told me to wait,and I,being considerate of her wishes,did.I waited two years and then 4 months before we were going to meet,she tells me she's over me!

The next couple of weeks were extremely difficult for me.I barely ate,I didn't sleep more than an hour or two a night and I had begun having severe panic attacks again.I had already been under 5 straight months of stress with my fathers situation.I was far from recovered from that and then with this whole ordeal with Candannce,I had no ambition to do anything.I was depressed to the point that I didn't care about anyone or anything.Most days,I'd get up in the morning,check my email only because it was part of my work and out of hope that Candannce would write me saying she wanted me back.The rest of the morning and afternoon I'd spend driving around town aimlessly,often cying and with my mind full of thoughts.What had gone wrong?Was it something I said?She had told me I was pushing her too hard...could that have been it?What about the whole mess with her lying about where she went to school?Could it be possible that I was getting too close to something bigger and that's why she dumped me?I had SO many questions and so few answers and it was taking a heavy toll on me both emotionally and phsyically.After I'd return from my drive
I'd try to have a litle something to eat,then I'd get a blanket,crawl up in my chair,try to watch a little TV and feel miserable.I felt like I was dying from the insdie out and at that point it would have been a relief if I did.
I went through maybe three weeks of that when I finally broke down and hand wrote her an 8 page letter and snail mailed it to her.I told her that I thought she was hiding something from me and I really needed to know what it was so I could put this whole ordeal behind me.I asked her to write me back,but she never did.I then sent her another email asking her if she'd talk to me one last time and that I needed to know the truth.About two hours after I sent the email,to my surprise,she instant messaged me.We talked and she asked me what I wanted to know.I told her that I wanted to know why she had lied about her college and she said that she once had a stalker,and since we had just met when she told me,she didn't want to give out any personal information.Now,that could make sense except for the fact that I never asked her what school she went to...she offered the information to me freely.And don't forget,she had sent me pictures of herself 2 months after we met and then sent me her home address 3 months after that.It just doesn't add up....there's too many inconsistancies.I then asked her what college she was attending then and she responded by saying I will NOT!! You're starting to sound like a psycho!I couldn't belive the words she was saying and again I thought,this isn't the same person I knew at all.I started to tell her what I thought about this whole mess and before I could finish she said "look,what do you want from me?Can't you seeI DON'T care what you think anymore?".I then paused and thought and told her all I wanted was the truth.Her response to this was "what does the truth matter now anyway?".What does the truth matter?A relationship based entirely over the internet and emails needed complete honesty and trust from both people involved.She could tell me she played softball,but seperated by as many miles as we were,I couldn't phsyically go and see her play.I had to to trust that she was telling me the truth and up until recently,I had done that without exception!We logged off Instant messaging soon after that and I never again talked to Candannce.
February was nearing an end and it was now close to a full month since Candannce had broken the bad news.I was feeling no better than I had,in fact I felt worse.I craved answers for the many questions I had,but I knew she'd never give them to me,so I set out to find them myself.
Now,before I go on,please keep in mind that Candannce and I spent ALOT of time together and we shared alot more of our personal lives with each other than I have told you here,infact,more than I could ever tell you here.But,I could tell something wasn't quite right with the stories she'd been telling me towards the end of our realtionship and I felt that I deserved to know the truth.So,I set about searching the internet to see if I could find out who I had been dealing with.I started out doing simple searches on such sites as Yahoo and Google and ended up finding some pretty obscure search engines that pulled up some very interesting results.I tried searching with her name,last name only,her name and her college,her name and city or state,etc,but I really didn't find anything but her own website that I had already seen many times.I went back to her website and scoured it for anything that may give me a clue,something that didn't fit with who she said she was,but I really didn't find much.I continued to search the internet for a few weeks,spening maybe 20-30 minutes a day,sometimes more,sometimes less,but I kept coming up empty.
Well,sometime in mid-March I thought of the idea of searching under her Instant messenger screen name and after trying several different search engines I found one missing piece from the puzzle!I found a site,from her city, that was devoted to Dungeons and Dragons type board games and she had a profile there that was without question hers(she used her real-life name and it listed her IM screen name for starters).I then checked the site to see if she had posted anything on the message boards,and sure enough she had.In one post from July of 2002,she mentioned that she had been playing role playing games for years,which was news to me,she had never mentioned anything at all about them.More importantly,she also mentioned that she had the week before played a couple of games and that she was looking for more.Now,like I had said before,first thing we'd do every night is sit down and tell each other about our days,or if we had missed a night,about the day/night before.She had never once told me that she had been playing these game...this was something she had hidden from me.Now,bear with me,I know this alone isn't too big a deal,but there's more.Occasionaly Candannce would miss a night and most often the next day would roll around and she'd tell me that she fell asleep on the sofa when she got home.I used to trust that she was telling me the truth,but I now suspect that at least some of those nights,she was actually out doing something that she didn't want to tell me about.Anyway,I read the posts and I then noticed that under one of them was a reply to her own post using her VERY unique nickname!I read the profile of that user and again,there was NO question it was hers.She mentioned her hobbies were Everquest,painting,fictional writing,movies,all things she enjoyed.I also noticed that this profile was created one day after her other one in October of 2001 had been,and her last post,in July of 2002 was the same day as her last post with the other profile.Too much to be just a coincidence!The thing that really caught my eye however was the first hobby she listed and it was Role Playing! Not role playing games,but role playing!!I was shocked and I knew I had just stumbled into what could possibly be the answer I had searched for.Now,like I had mentioned earlier,after chatting online with this person for 2 years I became very attuned to the way she'd word things and after reading her posts,there was NO question that both profiles were hers.She had a habit of ending every single post with the words Thanks....even if she hadn't asked a question and both profiles did that too.The thing I found really odd though was that she had started a topic under her real-life name profile and then posted a response answering her own question using her nickname profile!I found that odd to say the least.From her posts I could see that she was very knowledgable about these types of games and had been playing awhile..In one posts she said she han't been playing these games in awhile and wanted to know if all the game players were greedy nowadays.I found this to be odd considering she was 23 at the time.She wasn't really old enough to have years worth of playing experience,then quit and wonder how the game is played nowadays.Anyway,at this point I felt I had a piece of the puzzle...maybe she wasn't who she said she was after all,maybe she had created the charecter and was role-playing.The thing that confused me though was that I had sent her so many gifts in the mail,so how could they have been delivered if she wasn't who she said she was?
With that in mind,I then turned to the online White Pages where I did a search under the address she sent gave me as her home address.It pulled up a the right last name along with a female first name,not hers.She had told me she lived at home with he mother and this information fit in with that.I was getting more confused by the moment.I NEEDED an answer to know what those two years meant and to put closure to this mess,but it seemed every time I found something,all it did was open up more questions.

For about a week or so,I stopped searching.I had joined an online matchmaking service called Match.Com and I had met someone and we were talking over the phone.For the first time since late January I wasn't feeling all alone,and that was a welcome change .We talked for maybe 2 weeks through emails,then another 2 weeks over the phone and then we finally met for lunch.Things went well,we both had a good time and agreed to do it again sometime.We talked for the next week over the phone and she invited me over to her home for a cookout and to meet her son.I went over and we hung out and talked on here back porch,had a cookout for dinner,played a few games of Sorry with her son and then sat in her living room and talked the rest of the night.We got along well,but there was just no spark there for me,so after a long day I told her how I felt just before I left.After what I'd just been through with Candannce,there was NO way I was about to lead anyone on myself.And there was no way I was going to just avoid her either,I felt it was only right to tell her how I felt face to face.I returned home that night,and the lonely feeling returned with me.I sat in front of my computer,logged onto the internet and then into my Match.Com account.Right then and there,I got another idea.I thought maybe Candannce had an account here too.Now,I want to be clear on this too.Match.Com contains tens of thousand of individual users,each with their own unique profile name,just like email addresses.In your profile you list all your personal information such as where you live,height,hair color,eye color,astrological sign,like,dislikes,everything right down to the pets you own.My searches could have pulled up anyone from anywhere in the US,it wasn't anything specifically looking for her at all.I decided to use the user ID search to see if I could find anything.I first put in her real-life first name.That pulled up a woman in California...obviously not her.I then did her name with her uniform number and the search came back empty.I then put in her nickname....again,a woman from California,not her.I had one name left to try...her nickname with her uniform number and it pulled up a profile from her home town!Bingo! I thought,this is it!I read down the profile line by line and it all matched.

Home town and state Both matched
eye and hair color brown
Astrological sign Leo(she was a Leo)
Height 5'7"
Body type athletic
Languages english,french(she spoke both)
ethnicity caucasian
occupation student
smoker don't smoke(she told me she never smoked)
drinker don't drink(or drank)
status never married
children none
want children yes
ideal pace to live cabin in the country(she told me she wanted to move to Monatana and live in the woods)
sense of humor slapstick/3 stooges(she LOVED the stooges)
when it comes to Tv opt for a movie
Pets I have Cats,Dogs(she had 4 dogs and 3 cats.)

Now,if that wasn't enough there's also a place where you can descibe yourself in your own words.There were three lines that caught my eye.One was she said she believed in "treating people the way I'd like to be treated".That very line was also in her profile on her website under best advice I ever got.Second this person said their passion was softball,in fact the title of the ad was Softball player looking for their match.
The last line was the icing on the cake however,She said "I beleive in living the journey" Her webiste had a page that was called Living the Journey where she recounted some of her best softball stories!This was WAY too much to be a coincidence...this WAS Candannce's profile!I've always been trusting and I always beleive in giving people every possible benefit of the doubt,but there was just no other possible explanation for this.I then looked at the top of the profile and saw something that made me literally sick to my stomach.....the profile was for a MAN looking for a woman!I read the rest of the profile and the ad was not misplaced...it was indeed a man!I checked the age and it was listed as 30!I was sick,disgusted and I ran to the bathroom with a case of the dry-heaves.HOW could anyone do something like this to a fellow human being?I returned to my computer again and read the profile over and over....I didn't want to believe what I was seeing,but it was true.I had finally found the last piece of the puzzle...I had found the answer to all the questions I had been besieged with.Here it was,right in front of me and I had no idea what to think!This information answered so many questions.I now knew why this person refused to talk to me over the phone.I now knew why they never sent me any more pictures after the original first 3.I now knew why the things they told me about their college softball career didn't add up.
I had the answer I was searching for and I now knew that I hadn't lost anything at all.At this point,I really didn't have many feeling left for the person I had know,but the pictures that I had received still haunted me.Like I said,those were the only imagines I had of the person I knew,and that is the person I fell in love with.It was all so confusing still,but I did feel better initially.
At first I was satisfied just knowing I had found an answer,but after a couple of weeks,I decided to email this person and let them know I was onto their game.Just before I did,I pulled up the Match.Com website and found the profile again,so I could double check it and be 100% certain about this.I'm not the type to accuse anyone of anything lightly,I have to be certain before I take that step.I pulled up the profile and felt secure in my finding,so I wrote Candannce.I told them what I had found,how I had found it and exactly how I felt about it.About 2 hours after I wrote I was still online working and I noticed Candannce come online with Instant Messaging.They stayed online for maybe 15-20 minutes and then logged off.Later that night I went back to Match to check on that profile again and it was gone!I then went to Candannce's website,which had been fine the previous day when I last checked it,and it too was gone!I felt this was a confirmation that everything I had found was true and he was now either embarresed or,more likely,trying to cover his tracks.
Candannce's website,however gave me further clues.Even though you couldn't get to the homepage,the index was still up and I noticed some interesting things there too.On one one page that had been last updated in Feb of 1999,she listed herself as a Sophmore in college.When I first met her in Jan of 2001,she told me that she was a sophmore in college!Again,another lie!The same page also listed her best friend as a senior in college,but she had told me she graduated just this past year in May 2002!I''m such a trusting person,I still look for holes in my findings because I cannot fathom how one person could do this to another.Why would someone put SO much time,energy and money into deceiving someone?Life is too short to waste on such utter nonsense.This person knew exactly how I felt about them...why would they continue this charade?To this day,I try to convince myself that I'm looking at it all the wrong way,Candannce couldn't have done this to me,but deep-down,I know I'm right.Hopefully,someday,I'll be able to accept what I've found and finally be at peace with what this person has done to me.As of today,May 15,2003,I can only dream of that day.
JEB

Warning Signs

Hinsdsight,as the saying goes,is 20/20 and that is even more true in my case.I'll never know the full truth behind what happened with me and Candannce,but based upon the information I found,there were plenty of warning signs that something wasn't quite right.Some I just didn't notice at the time while some I saw as they happened,but I chose to overlook them because I had complete faith and trust in this person,so I accept part of the blame for what happened here.Looking back on our two years together,I can think of many things Candannce told me that either didn't sound quite right or conflicted with other information she had told me about herself.This is a list of those warning signs and a little advice for those of you who may find yourself in the same situation I was.

Candannce told me what school she played for and said it was Division II and she was on an athletic scholarship.I KNEW this school was Divisoion III and Division III schools do not give athletic based scholarships.I said nothing because I had only know her a few weeks at that point,so I just disregarded it.

She once asked me if I could picture her with curly hair.In the pictures she had sent me her hair was extremely curly.When I mentioned that she told me she had it permed even curlier.She also often told me that she needed to get her bangs cut.

Alien was one of her favorite movie series and she mentioned several times that she had seen Alien 3 in the theater with her then boyfriend.Alien 3 was released in spring of 1992 and rated R,making her 13 at the time.

At the same time Candannce first told me what school she went to,she mentioned that she had stolen 62 out of 65 bases the previous year,which,for those of you not familiar with softball,is an INCREDIBLE feat!I had later checked NCAA,NJCAA and NAIA record books and her name was nowhere to be found.

She once sent me an email signed with a man's name.She told me that she had left her room and computer with the incomplete email and her cousin came in and finished it up trying to get her in trouble.At the time,I thought that was a perfectly acceptable explanation.

She never once mentioned a school that she played against by name,just if it was a home or away game.I had always thought this was a bit odd.She even once sent me her schedule and all it hads was dates and either home or away.

I can recall here mentioning one doubleheader over 2 season.All colleges play many doubleheaders each year.

She was never late for EQ during the season,even when she told me she had played an away game.Eevn the smallest of community colleges plays road games 100's of miles from home that would require travel.I mentioned this in our last conversation and she told me that she had been using her mothers laptop.I told her I didn't beleive that becasue she first thing she would have said was,hey,guess where I am tonight?

I can't remember her ever mentioning a game played on a Saturday.Nearly all college softball teasm play every Saturday.

She promised me pictures of herself,but never sent any more after the first 3 in March of 2001.Once in early 2002 she surprised me and told me she had just sent me a new pic.I checked her email and it turned out to be one of the 3 she had already sent.

When I first viewed here website,her last name was different than what she told me and her first name was spelled differently.She told me it was because she didn't want her real name all over the internet.Again,at the time,perfectly acceptable answer,but looking back now,it looks much more suspicious.

She had told me that she knew nothing about cars,that she couldn't even change her own oil,yet she had bought a dashboard and steering wheel for her car and told me that she planned to put them in herself.I later found dozens of posts on message boards where she talks about such things as "replacing her stock cloth seats with leather ones in the GTS model".

During our two years together,Candannce didn't use my real life first name more than a handful of time,even in emails.I had always used her real first name in emails,and quite often when playing Everquest too(just not infront of other players).She called me Jim maybe 3-4 times and that was it.Her emails were always addressed to Kin(Short for Kincayd) and the cards she sent to me with her presents were addressed using both names Jim/Kin.I think this reflects the fact the I was never viewed me as more than a bunch of pixels on a computer screen.

Therre were many other warning signs too,but these are a few of the major ones.What it boils down to is this.If it sounds like something is wrong,it probably is!Trust your instincts!Trust your feelings.If you find yourself in the same situation I was,by all mean,ask questions!If I had questioned her statements the first time she told me about her college softball,I probably never would have gotten into this mess.I trusted Candannce to a fault and I unfortunately have paid the price.Remember,if you find yourself in the same situation,trust YOURSELF above all else!

Aftermath

Today,nearly four months after Candannce told me of her intentions,I still find myself thinking about her often....too often perhaps.I'm not ashamed to say,at times,I still shed a few tears over this.I'm lonely and I miss her.I miss opening up my mailbox and seeing an email from her waiting for me.I miss looking forward to chatting with her every night.I miss her coming to me with her troubles and helping to console her.I miss shopping for that perfect gift or card to send for her birthday,Christmas,or just because I felt like it.But most of all,I miss looking forward to the promising and bright future she made me think we'd have together.I want things back they way they were at Christmas when we opened up our gifts ''together" online and had so much fun!But I know that can never be.
I find myself a very different person today than I was just four months ago.With the exception of a few close family members and friends,I do not trust people the way I used to.I now look for hidden agendas and motives when speaking to strangers,when before I'd accept everyone at face value.An example.One day in March of this year I had been shopping at Best Buy.After paying for my purchases,I walked out of the store and a young man of maybe 19 or 20 walked up to me and said politely"Excuse me sir,could you possibly spare a dollar or two....my car just ran out of gas and I don't have any money on me".He then pointed to a car on the side of the road near the parking lot.I scoffed at him and said,"No,I don't think so!".Four months ago I would have given him a dollar or two and wished him good luck.That,I suppose would make me an easy victim for someone looking for something for free,but it also gave me the ability to help those in need and show some compassion.I've now been through so much emotional pain since my father has died that I find it hard to feel anyone else's.I like the old me better and I hope someday he'll return.
This has affected me in SO many ways,many of which you would expect,but some also that were surprising even to me.I have a fairly good size collection of DVD's and I have not watched a single one since this has happened.Candannce and I used to watch all of these films and we had inside jokes for each and every one.I tried to watch Lord of the Rings back two months ago and I had to stop about 5 minutes in because it reminded me of all the times we watched it "together'.In my car I had a shift knob shaped like a skull.I had told her about that and she told me MANY times that when we were together,she was going to hold a yard sale and sell it for 25 cents.After this happened,I had to replace it with the old shift knob.Little stuff like that........those are the things memories are made of,but all of those good memories are gone,replaced by ones of deception and crueilty.It's been a day-to-day struggle,and I rarely smile these days.
If this were all I had to deal with,in time,I have no doubt I'd get over it.Relationships are born and lost everyday,it's part of life.When one is lost,we hurt for awhile and then move on.But I've been hurt on so many different levels with this,I sometimes doubt that I'll ever fully recover.It hurts tremendously not knowing who I've been dealing with for the past two years.I don't even know the most basic of information.....was this a man or a woman?There is good evidence for both sides of that arguement.Did this person ever care about me at all or were they just out to get everything out of me they could?Did this start out innocently and then get to the point where they could find no other way out?I've come up with so many possible explanations,but there's only one person that has the real answers and despite how much I've pleaded with them to tell me,they've remained silent and have left me in the state I am now.
As for my future,I'm no longer certain what it holds.I'm still hoping to someday get married and raise a family,but at 42,it gets less and less likely with each passing day.I think,given enough time,I will be able to move on and at least live my life as best as I possibly can.I know I'll never be exactly the same person I was before this,but maybe,in some ways,that's a good thing.I have come a long way with my panic attacks/agoraphobia since this happened.Throughout February the attacks returned in full force because of this.However,In March I had decided I'd had enough and planned a trip to Floida with my brother,sister and a niece.In late April,we drove to Florida,some 1300+ miles from home, and I had an incredible time and was basically panic free.In the previous 15 years or so,I hadn't been more than 20 miles from home,so this was a MAJOR step forward in my recovery and as difficult as it was,I'm so glad I did it.At this point,I don't really hold any ill feelings towards Candannce.I don't hate her.I don't wish bad fortune on her.I just want to know why?After everything we shared,I don't think I'm asking for too much.

Other Findings and Thoughts

This is a list of other thoughts and findings I have on this entire ordeal that didn't really fit onto the other pages.They will,none the less add a bit more depth to my story.

Like I said before,I'm not one to worry about money,but just to show you exactly how serious we had become,here's a listing of some of the items I'd bought for and sent to Candannce.

2 Dozen long stem roses @$70 ea. $140
4 flower arrangements @$55 ea. $220
Autographed Lucy Lawless 8x10 $70
Softball Afghan $55
Pair of Nikes $70
2 soundtrack CD's @$15 ea $30
20 VHS movies @$2 ea $40
Long,Long trailer VHS $15
4 stuffed animals @$8 ea $32
Xena coffe mug $10
Xena calender $12
Snowman making kit $12
Pfaltzgraft Snowglobe $55
Radeon 7000 Video card $125
I love softball charm $8
WPSL pins & t-shirt $20
10 Stephen King books at $2ea $20
Star Wars Episode II VHS $20
Candles and Holder $15
Ebay Game $15
Ceramic mouse $6
Christmas stocking $7
US Olympic Softball team book $35

Total $1,032

Like I previously said,money isn't important,except to show that I did send her a significant number of gifts,as she did with me.If I were to think awhile,I'm sure I could come up with another $300 or more of additional gifts I sent her,not to mention shipping costs.

I've always had a great fear of Dentists and,being prone to panic attacks,I hadn't been in many years.In mid October 2002,a week or so after Candannce told me we were now waiting for each other,I made an appointment to see one so I could be at my best when we met.I went to a total of 17 visits,spent a total of over $4,000 out of my pocket(I had no dental insurance) and went through 2 oral surgeries.I finished up my dental work in ealy May of this year.

When I found out that Canndannce was into role-playing,I was devestated!I know that alot of people do that sort of thing online,and for the most part,I have no problem with it.It can be innocent fun,but when it's done in a manner where someone else gets hurt,that's another story.To role-play for two years,in a one-on-one relationship and make all sorts of promises you not only had no intention of keeping,but COULDN'T keep,is quite simply immoral.There was never any question in Candannce's mind how I had felt about her and yet she continued to mislead me.

Candannce told me her Ebay Id and I know for a fact that this person bought alot of womens softball jerseys,cleats,bats,etc,so these things do fit her story that she did play softball.On the other hand,I'm am extremely confident that the male profile I found on Match.Com was the same person.maybe I had been dealing with a husbdand/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend pair?

To this day,I'm still not sure if Candance was a man or woman,but even in a best case scenario,she did some very hurtful things.Let's say everything she told me about herself was true,she was a 24 year old woman playing college softball.She'd already admitting to lying to me for 2 years about what school she attended,she then told me she was committed to meeting me at least once,she then meets another guy,tells me we're done in a 2 paragraph email and then refuses to call me on the phone.She then tells me she's done with Everquest and I find out she's right back playing a day later with a new group of friends.She would also be guilty of posting a profile as a 30 year old man on Match.Com.

In a worst case scenario,this was a man,as I strongly suspect after finding the Match.Com profile,and he set out to deliberately mislead someone for his own personal satisfaction. and I just happened to be his target.He may have done this to others before me and could very well be doing it again to someone else at this very moment.
.
Candannce once told me that she needed a certain kind of car wash for her car,but the stores around her stopped selling it.Next day I went out and bought two gallons for her and mailed them to her.

One of the last few times I talked to Candannce she told me that she may have some regrets down the road about her decision.She hadn't been working in months,so I knew she was didn't have alot of money,so I offered to pay for her plane fare and a hotel room if she came up to visit me,so we could finally meet each other face to face and then neither of us would have any regrest,She turned my offer down.

In late August of 2002,my computer died on me while I was playing Everquest with Candannce.I went out early the next morning and bought what was at the time a top of the line model @ $1200 for the box alone,no monitor or printer included!If not for Everqeust and my relationship with Candannce,I would have opted to buy a $500 eMachines system which would have been more than sufficient for all my other computing needs

My Battle With Addiction

Everquest has a built in feature that keeps track of your total amount of time played since you created your charecter.I created Kincayd on January 17,2001 and played him for the last time on February 17,2003.Just before I logged off for the final time,I checked my time played..........159 Days!That's 159,full 24 hour days I spent playing this game.Let's do the math,that comes out to over 5 hours a day,7 days a week for over two full years! And I can tell you,95% of that time was spent with Candannce and that time was spent chatting and learning about each other,which is more time than alot of married couples spent doing the same.I won't even get into the time I spent with her with my other charecters,but I'm sure that would be another 20 to 30 days too.So,as you can plainly see,Everquest took up an enourmous amount of my time during those two years and this gives you a better idea of exactly how much time Candannce and I did spend together
Over the last several months of our relationship,I had always told Candance that I was playing the game only for her,and while that was true,the game itself had a different idea.After January 28th,I did not play Everquest for a few days,but I had no idea how to fill that void the game once had filled.I was miserable and Everquest beckoned to me.I would just log on for a minute,see if anyone I know is playing and say goodbye,I tried to convince myself.At first I'd log on for just an hour or so,talk to a few friends I had made,tell them what had happened and then say my goodbyes.But this didn't satisfy me.So,I created a new charecter that no one would know of and log on with him.I rarely actually played the game,I'd usually just find a spot and sit.I'd then check for my friends occasionaly to see who was playing while I watched TV in real-life.I wasn't having any fun at all with the game,but just seeing it running on my computer screen was soothing....it was familiar,it what what I knew.I saw Candannce's bard Mitzii on a few times and I had a suspicion it was actually her playing the charecter and not her cousin as she insisted.This left me feeling empty....she was able to go on and play,while I was sitting here as low as I'd ever been in my life.It didn't seem fair,but then again,life seldom is.I'd log off at night and tell myself I CAN'T go back on again,that had to be the last time,but the next day,I would repeat the whole process over.Somewhere around February 10 or so,after I had seen Mitzii playing again,I finally decided to delete Everquest from my system.I backed out of the game into the main menu and closed out my account.I then logged off the game entirely,thought about what I was about to do and then removed the game from my system,and it felt GREAT!I had finally done what needed to be done in order to move on and I slept well for the first time in weeks that night.The next few days,I had strong urges to play,but without the game on my system,there was nothing I could do.My account wouldn't be closed fully until the 18th,but I had no access to it.Or did I?I still had the CD's,right?All I'd have to do is reinstall it,sit through a 12 hour long patch and then I'd be right back in the game!And I can just enter my credit card number again and my account wouldn't be cancelled!So,on February 17th,I got up early that morning,installed the game and all the expansions back on my system and then dialed up my internet connection and proceeded with a 12 hour patch!By 9pm,the patch was done and I logged back into Everquest again.I could not break the cycle...I HAD to play,and that's exactly what I did.But I didn't feel good about myself,I knew now exactly how addicted I was to the game.I checked my friends list and there was Mitzii and it made me feel even worse.I missed her so deeply and she obviously didn't think twice about me.I logged off the game once again and uninstalled it immediatly.I then did the one thing that I knew would keep me from reinstalling it again in another few days.I took out the game CD's and broke them into pieces!I was finally done with this game!I'm proud to say that,February 17th was the last time I played Everquest and it's hold on me had finally been broken.
For weeks,I couldn't even be in the same room as anyone else playing the game.It brought back too many memories of better days with Candannce and I'd walk out of the room.Today,it looks more like a dream world when I see someone playing,like a faint memory,lost somewhere in the back of my mind.I can't even recall the keystrokes required for play anymore,something which used to be second nature just 4 months ago.
My nephew is now starting to talk about another upcoming online game,Star Wars Galaxies.He recently asked me if I planned to play,and I told me no,I don't think that wouldn't be a good idea.He aked why not and I told him,after the mess I just went through...I don't want to put myself through that again.He told me that all I had to do was to not get too close to anyone,but I don't think it's that simple.That's my nature,and even though now I'm a much more guarded individual,I don't trust myself.I'm afraid if I ever played that type of game again I'd fall right back into the same pattern and set myself up for the same bitter ending I had with Everquest.It's like an alcholic.You're fine as long as you don't drink,but if you do,what does it matter if it's Budweiser or Miller?