I just read an interesting article in the July & August issue of AARP Magazine.
In the article, Martin Sheen discusses how he dealt with his son Charlie's drug addiction. Even though it was drug addiction and not gaming addiction, I'm sure all the parents here can relate to how strong he had to be to do what he did, and the barriers and enablers he had to overcome to get through to his son. The ending made me cry.
http://www.aarpmagazine.org/entertainment/martin_sheen_breaking_through.... Coping With Son Charlie's Drug Addiction
Q: I had a nephew who died of a drug overdose. He'd overdosed once before, but the hospital never told my brother and his wife because of privacy laws.
A: The only way I got Charlie, frankly, was because he'd skipped out of the hospital. I had to pay the bill. In paying the bill, I got to see why he was in there. He'd consumed an illegal substance; he was on probation; he was not allowed to have these substances.
Q: So you turned Charlie in to the authorities to help him?
A: This is a criminal matter. And so that was the wedge; that was the leverage I had. That is what I took to the court; thats what I took to the sheriff. It was the only way I got him.
Q: Can you talk a little bit about how you broke through his entourage of enablers?
A: You're dealing with a life-and-death situation. And the critical part of the equation is: are you willing to risk your child's wrath? They are not going to like you. Don't even think about them loving you. They're going to call you the most vicious, obscene names. You have to be prepared for that.
Q: Does that also extend not just to them but their friends?
A: Oh, God, yes. Because sometimes the only way you can communicate with them is through their friends. And he had two in particular who adored him, risked his wrath enough to tell him the truth. And who eventually had to abandon him because they couldn't take the pain anymore. And so we knew we had allies in those two guys. People adored Charlie, with good reason. He was adorable. So it was very difficult to get his attention. He had access to magic carpets, high-celebrity friends and a lot of money, power. He was hidden away in a tower you couldn't get to. The ones who were closest to him were his worst enemies. They depended on him for their living, and they would say anything and do anything.
Q: Yeah, it's the thing that can kill somebody.
A: That does kill. That will kill you. And you have to know that these people are there. And you have to go through them like a tank.
Q: How do you go through them like a tank?
A: You expose them. You never allow them to give you an excuse. You face them and you say, ~You're a **** liar. Get out of my face. I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw you." You have to believe enough in life to risk your own reputation. After a while I was outrageous. Outrageous. They would scurry like cockroaches when they saw me in public places. I was just fearless, could care a **** about protocol. In a restaurant, in a public setting. It didn't matter a whit. They'd want to be nice. ~So what have I done?" "You want to know what you've done? Anybody else want to know what this scumbag has done?" And they're gone. What's the alternative? It's never going to happen in a calm and civilized manner. And it was always the hardest core that we dealt with in the end, the one carrying the gun.
Q: And do you take the gun away from that person?
A: Take the gun away.
Q: You took the gun away.
A: Absolutely, yeah. When a life is at stake and it's your child, you become fearless in a lot of ways. I mean, you just become fanatic. Nothing ever gets done unless it's done by a fanatic.
Q: Yes, fanatics make miracles.
A: Exactly. The night I made the decision to go to court with the papers I'd gotten from the hospital was the most difficult decision of my life. They put out a warrant, and Charlie got it like that. And he called me. I was still with the sheriff. I can't repeat what he said. He used some choice words I've never heard before. I was very, very impressed with the language. And you realize that you're talking to the drug. I said, ~Whoa, whoa, wait just a minute. Are you coming in [to court] tomorrow?" "Yes, I am. I'm coming in with an attorney." And he brought [O.J. Simpson attorney] Robert Shapiro as his lawyer. I said, ~Fine. I'm delighted. I'm very impressed.
Do you mind if I'm there? I'll be at the court?" And he suddenly got kind of calm, and he said, ~Oh, sure. Why not?" I said, ~Well, you know, I don't want to suddenly show up and you're gonna lose it." He said, ~No, you come. Okay." Then he went back in a rage. And I said, ~Hey, hang on. Wait a minute." "What?" he said. ~When I see you," I said, ~can I give you a kiss?" He got very quiet again. He said, ~Well, sure, why not?" "Well, I just want to make sure if I go up to kiss you, you don't punch me in the mouth." He said, ~I wouldn't do such a thing." I said, ~I didn't think you would." Then he went back to raging. (Laughs.) He arrived that next morning with Mr. Shapiro, who was wonderful. [Charlie] walked right up, kissed me on the lips, went in to see the judge. Yeah, he knew it was over. And he was very relieved in a lot of ways that he couldn't express.
Q: It sounds as if Charlie has very much forgiven you and thanks you.
A: Well, I mean, that's his business. I did it for me. I wouldn't carry this with me all my life. I had to do everything humanly possible. If I had come up short and lost him, I might as well be dead.
But this is an interesting thing. A year later, I'm driving down the highway and the news comes on the radio: ~Live from the Malibu Courthouse, our reporter is talking live with Charlie Sheen, and he's just left the courtroom." Charlie was clean and sober, and so now he's off probation. What a jubilant moment. "Well," he said, ~I want to thank my father for saving my life." I pulled off the road and I wept uncontrollably. I wept and wept. And I sat there staring at the ocean and I thought, ~What's wrong with this picture? Let's get beyond this business of who's to blame, who gets the credit." Then it occurred to me. I get to Charlie a couple of hours later. ~Say, Charlie, I heard your news conference." "Yeah, Pop, what do you say?" I said, "Bullsh**." "What?" I said, "It's not true." "What do you mean, It's not true." "I didn't save your life. I got your attention. You saved your life. Because if you go on believing that I saved your life, you're not going to take responsibility for it. And he got it like that. "Hmmm," he said. ~Thank you. Okay. Yup, that's the end of that, isn't it?" "Yup, it is." He never talked about it again."
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
That was sooo touching, Anna. Thank you for sharing it. I am sharing it with my son and his Dad. Liz W. On-Line Gamers Anonymous www.olganon.org Skype lizwool
Liz Woolley
That is a touching story and proof that family can make a difference in someone's life no matter how out of control they are with something. In Charlie's case it was drug addiction, in another's case it may be gambling, eating, or for many of us video games. The love of a parent, relative or concerned friend can do wonders for a person to break them free from their unhealthy obsession or addiction to something and move them towards something more healthy. I was talking to someone last night and he believes that everyone is addicted to something it just depends on whether or not the activity is constructive or destructive. Someone can be a workaholic, someone can be a drug addict. Which is better a workaholic or a drug addict? Then again in the case of a workaholic it depends on how much time their working is taking away from visiting their family. Leaning toward constructive activities such as exercise or family activities such as Monopoly, family movie night, family billiards night or whatever you can come up with can be helpful. We can all learn something from Martin's approach on talking to his son about drugs. (Edited for linking to a site not endorced by OLGA/OLGAnon)
Having gone through addiction I find that when I look back and hear what my family says. about their experiences with me during it, I appreciate life more each time. When using drugs you do not stop to realize how your drug use is affecting the world around you. At some point during my drug use I realized that I couldn't so it alone. I knew that ******** was the place for me and I showed my family why it would work. After my family talked to counselors at ******** and with the promise they made that ,"They would get their daughter back." is what got me their. I am the person my family always knew I could be and the person I've always dreamed about being. [Edited to remove references to a drug detox program that has been the subject of "rip-off alerts" and possibly lawsuits for questionable methods of treatment. Note that the above two posters are posting from the same IP address and are likely the same person posting ads cleverly disguised as replies. They have both been banned.]
In the 10 months I've been reading posts on OLGA I've been so troubled by what to say to the families of the addicted gamers....those incredibly people who come here aching and dying inside because someone they love has fallen for a game. This article truly makes me believe that it is possible to love your children or husband enough to make hard decisions and actually HELP. Thank you, Anna, for sharing this.
ElizA
.Left the games behind Tuesday, March 28, 2011...I have a new left knee and a lot more appreciation for the word "recovery"....blessings come in the darndest forms!
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One of the things that strikes me about this article is Martin Sheen's inner strength. He really went through a lot, and really stuck to it, to get the truth through to his son. I tried to do an intervention for my Dad, and I didn't have that inner strength. I broke down, got hysterical, and it took all the focus off my Dad, he did not go through with getting treatment. The one good thing about that intervention was that I started to go to Al-Anon. That was over 30 years ago, and I still go to Al-Anon.
I had no idea how much help I needed. The number one thing for the families is to get help yourself. Nobody knows what will finally break through the addict's denial, and usually the family are the last people who can do that, the addict has tuned them out long ago. Oftentimes, the family getting help and getting healthy really helps to break down the addict's denial - the good news is that the family can find contentment and even happiness whether the addict recovers or not. Keep coming back - it works.
P.S. Note the date on the original post. This was a previous time that Charlie got sober, his Dad could not keep him from relapsing. Remember the 3 C's: We didn't cause the addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.
Game free since 11/24/2011 (Thanksgiving Day). One Day at a Time.
Available by phone (904)437-0761.
wow. just found this and felt moved to reply.
That's the ultimate tough love. To intentionally take evidence and turn your own child in to the police, so they can get help and dry out. Martin Sheen played some badass guys but he really is one in real life, to take on the enablers and take their gun away from them, cool. How many of us can do that to save our child's life?
OLGA Home Page: "We advocate and provide a 12-Step Program of recovery. For those who are interested in a formalized meeting approach, we provide both a traditional 12-step program and a modified program for atheists and agnostics." I advocate and use the 12 steps programs, which have helped tens of millions of addicts of all kinds recover.
Hell yeah! Love it. Thanks for pulling this up, BBH. The movie "The Way" that Martin made with son Emilio is really good, too.
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!