Just wanted to share this 12-step message from one of my daily readers:
"What a glorious thing to have hope! ... Many speak of being on a "pink cloud" their first months... Things are going great. Then reality sets in. Life is still life - we still lose jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick. Abstinence is not guarantee that life will always go our way.
When the reality of life on its own terms sets in, we turn to our Higher Power and remember that life happens the way it happens. But no matter what occurs in our recovery we need not despair, for there is always hope. That hope lies in our relationship with our Higher Power.
This relationship... develops over time... As we rely more and more on the strength of our HP, life's struggles don't have to drag us into the sea of despair." 30 MAR 14
Someone once said to me, quite wisely "Your concept of your HP is none of my business" and luckily it stuck. I don't step on others' toes by questioning their concept of their HP and I am more than comfortable with mine.
It wasn't always like that. For me dont STEP 2 meant having to deal with a residue of being brought up in a religious environment and letting go of some old ideas. It also meant I had to find a vague concept of a Power greater than myself. I didn't like the word "god" and certainly not the word "God" at the time. I felt lost. I did some reading and I talked to fellows in 12-step programmes and eventually, I got an intuition about my Higher Power.
I wrote down a list of things which I know for me were precious and spiritual. I could not deny my feeling towards these things/happenings/events. It was the seed of my faith.
Later as I moved throught the 12 steps my understanding grew. I got to apply the slogan of "Listen and Learn" or as a friend said to me "take the cotton wool out of your ears and stick it in your mouth for a while" :) ... it worked. That along with "take what you want and leave the rest". I slowly felt more comfortable with the idea of having an HP.
It took me some time to understand that my HP was loving, and always had been. I found this especially approaching my Step 9.
I had since the age of 15, maybe 16, a "hole in the soul" and nothing was filling that in... it was a hole, a pain that would not yield. I found it so hard to be able to relax and just be me, to be happy to be me, to know it's ok to be me... let alond know in my heart the my HP loved me. That was far far fetched for me. I felt suicidal at times too -sometimes often. My life was full of pain. AND I had a set of behaviours, later including my game-addiction which filled in the hole momentarily - it was a plaster/band-aid on a gaping wound. I did not know that at the time. I was in denial. I did not know my self well. My Step 4 and 5 helped me with this. I got to know that I am human like the rest of you. :) I got to know that it's ok to make mistakes. I got to know that I can let go of my guilt. I got to learn many many things. ...but the best was that I got to feel comfortable in my own skin. It felt good, proper good, to be me -with all my faults and all!
My connection with my HP grew and I began undestanding it more. I began understanding the events in my life more. My awakening to my addiction to games was very gradual. It took me a good three years to even have a little "wake up call". I used a code to check how many hours I had spend in-game to date... the number was shocking. I could have finished a PhD in that time, easily. Yet, I continued into its depths. It affected my physical health, my relationships, my general life and respect for myself and others, my work. It took over. When I woke up and decided to stop. To cancel my subscription. To delete and uninstall my files. That is when I woke up. I had no idea. I did not know OLGA existed. I only knew I needed to stop. I used my knowledge of the 12-step programs to stop; and stay stopped. It was very painful... sometimes maddening. I felt anxious, angry, sad to great heights and depths, but by the grace of my HP I stuck to it and stayed game-free. Later, I wondered if there was help. I looked it up and found you guys: OLGA.
I know that without the reminders I see here; without your voices, I cannot stay game-free one day at a time. I know this because my addiction says things like "maybe it will be different" or "you could play just an hour"... then I know I can simply FWD the scenes and I could easily be playing "just one hour every night" , then "every morning", then "four hours at the weekends" ... etc etc etc. Before you know it, I'm not eating well, missing work, missing sleep, taking holidays to check out new patches in the game, avoiding friends, family and neglecting my loved-one. That is my addiction.
I am lucky though. I have my HP. I have OLGA. ...now I have faith. I can do a little prayer or thought to start the day, simply "HP please keep me game-free for today" and at night "Thank you HP for keeping me game-free for today"... the rest is a bonus. I also sometimes, now more often, say a prayer or thought for my fellows "HP please keep other game-addicts game-free for today" - because I know I cannot make it without you. I want my life. I love my life.
I try my best to spare a thought or two, or three, for the newcomer. The one who is confused, at the end of his/her witts, who has lost or is about to lose important things in his/her life. The newcomer is the one that needs me/us. I know that.
I am very grateful for my journey into the discovery of my life - I am thankful for my game-addiction because it has introduced me to You, to my HP and to a new, more exciting, wonderous and fascinating life. I am not so shy to feel my feelings now, even the ones that get labelled as bad.
Like in the reading... now I can choose: before I had good or bad days; now I have good or growing days. All I need to do is ask my HP "what can I learn here?"... sometimes I get p***d off first, but the calm comes quicker now and the lessons clearer. The difficult things are easier because I know deep down "it's going to be ok, no matter what" - and I can stay game-free through it so long as I keep working my programme.
If you are reading this I have spared a though for You already and said "Please keep them game-free for today".
Take care.
ET
No one knows everything and that is the fact. When we listen and learn, we become wiser. We grow into the person that we always want to be, the true self.
It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen
Beautifully said! Thank you so much for posting this.
I joined AA in October 1985, and had a few wonderful years of growing in that fellowship. I was totally blessed.
And then about November 2002 I found games. And of course the first game I tried was an MMORPG which led to another MMORPG, the one every says is like taking smack.
And then for 8 solid years I gave up everything in my life to game. I gave up everything.
(oops phone call, will finish this later).