No point in living

Big hugs to you!  I understand your pain.  I lost large chunks of my life to active addiction, while making some horrible life-changing decisions.  I was full of regret too.

Being in a place where someone has absolutely nothing to lose can be a major turning point.  In recovery they call it the "gift of desperation."  When I was at my lowest, feeling like all was lost (or never gained in the first place) and I had nothing to lose, I decided I may as well try a few radical changes.  What's the worst that could happen?  Things couldn't get worse, only better.

My life is radically different today.  The changes were not easy, but were far better than the alternatives of continuing to scrape along bottom or just dying.  I tried some new things I had never tried before, opened my mind to new ideas, and mainly just followed the lead of people who had made radical changes to their lives before me.

I get that your head is telling you that all is lost, that there's no point in making any efforts now, that you'll always be the same.  Those are all lies.  Those are all lies.  The voice of addiction said those things to me too, to keep me chained down in the same patterns.  I highly recommend that you listen in on some voice meetings.  They're held every day at 10:30am and 7pm PDT.  If you do what I did, which was to listen in on meetings often, get to know the other people, and try out their suggestions, you're likely to get good results like I did.  What's the worst that could happen?

Feel free to write me any time.  We could set up a time to talk if you want.

Welcome Wastedmylife

It sounds like you are in a bad place right now. You have regrets about the choices you made at the time and the things that might have been. I'm a lot older than you and I can say that the best years of my life were not in my 20's ( the twenties are certainly over-rated) many people in their thirties/forties/fifties go for a career change and still make good even though they are 'old'. Thirty is a vey young age from where I am standing. You may not be where you want to be but it's still all the play for. You could be on the threshold of a great life. Please do not loose heart. Go easy on yourself ... the self that was not happy and felt compelled to game. There are good reasons you acted that way ...now you have woken up to reality and you can change. You are in good company... all you need to do is reach out and you will find help.

Hi Wastedmylife,

I know exactly how you feel. I did the same thing in college; played games until they were about to kick me out so I took a leave of absence (I spent 7 years at UCSD signing up for, taking and dropping classes before I finally gave up). I spent my entire 20's playing video games and had nothing to show for it - no relationships, no friendships, nothing.

Finally at 29 I threw in the towel as I had hit my "bottom". I absolutely didn't want to go any lower. I was filled with regret at all of the time and opportunities I had wasted.

I took the suggestions of others who had gone before me and had also hit bottom. I started out on a spiritual program of action called the 12 steps. I took a thorough inventory of everything that had been blocking me from genuine relationships with others. I went back to everyone I had harmed and attempted to make it right to the best of my ability. I started praying for guidance and helping others find the new, wonderful life I had found.

I'm 36 now. I was able to go back to UCSD and finish my degree in computer science after not typing a single line of code in my 20's. I met a wonderful woman who I got married to last November. I work at a job that I mostly love and that pays me very well to program computers for them. Most of all, I get to share my experience with others, which gives me great joy.

I hope you stick around and are able to find what we have found; a life not just worth living but more rewarding than anything we had previously imagined.

Welcome to OLGA. Thank you for sharing your story. Your feelings of depression, lonlines, isolation, and worthlessness are very real and valid. We do not want to give you any false hope. The battle you are in at 30 years old is very real and challenging. But just imagine, who you could be at age 60, if you would choose to start making better choices. Imagine the man, the brother, the friend, the husband, the father that you could become if you chosse to make better choices every day. You are here and you want to have a better life. You want to change.  Those are two very big steps that you have already taken.  Life is a gift, rather you realize that, aknowledge that, accept that, that is your choice. Life is a gift. What you do with your life is your gift back to  your creator.  Please consider, that you have a lot of years left. You can start today.

We are experiencing a very exciting time here, at OLGA. We are in the final stages of publishing a book about my son Shawn who did exactly what you are thinking about doing. Do you enjoy reading books? As soon as this is finished, we will gladly send you a copy of the book. If you would like to receive a copy of this book, please email me your street address to olga@olganon.org

Please look through the tools (links) at the top right hand side of the page. See what will work for you, to give you encouragement to want to live. I like to read through the Daily Slogans.  I find them uplifting.  http://www.olganon.org/slogans-daily-use  I hope you will read what others have shared on the forums, who have went before you.  

Do you have any brothers or sisters? Do you like going to the movies? I recently saw an incredible movie called "If I Can Only Imagine".
I would highly recommend going to see that movie, and I look forward to your comments and insights about what you think of it. 

You also may want to contact http://www.olganon.org/users/davidl and talk to him about getting more support. He is just starting a meeting in Los Gatos, CA for addicted gamers.  Maybe you would like to start a group in LA.

I want to encourage you and let you know that it is never to late to take that third step forward. Please call our hotline - 612-245-1115 if you need to talk!

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

Liz

wastedmylife, I am so sorry that you are feeling depressed right now. Yes, when one looks back we focus on coulda woulda shoulda, but since it is impossible to change the past, we must look forward. You may not realize it at this moment, but you are on the correct path. You now realize that you must make a change for the better and have joined this organization. Take care...